Four decades on, and the Xenomorph is still one of the greatest movie monsters ever seen on the silver screen. A combination of Swiss artist HR. Geiger’s love of biomechanical penis terror and Ridley Scott’s talent for making the unknown horrifying, the Xenomorph at its most basic form is a lethal and deadly reminder that in space, no one can hear you scream.
With a little bit of imagination however, that creature has become even more disturbing over the years. Sequels, video games and comic books have all wondered what would happen if anyone but a human received the face-hug of death. Here’s ten particularly noteworthy examples of hostility perfected, just in time for the release of Alien: Covenant. You might want to turn away if you happen to suffer from Kolpophobia.
Your regular Xenomoprh is easily capable of killing you. I won’t lie to you, your chances are slim to none of surviving an encounter with one. Still! There is a chance to do so! A Xenomorph born exploding its way out of the chest cavity of a human still carries with it a certain frailty to the great equaliser of the universe: Bullets.
A Xenomorph born from inside of a crocodile however? Buddy, you’re kind of f***ed. Massive, unbelievably strong and hungry for the flesh of Batman (No really this actually happened), there was only one way to stop this fella from rampaging: By dropping its massive ass into a volcano. Fortunately, a Xenomorph with reptilian traits would never ever surface again. Ever.
Killer Croc Alien
Well I’m a bit of a liar. In a rematch with the dreaded Xenomorphs, Batman had to deal with a version of the beast that was created by combining biological matter from Killer Croc into the malleable DNA of the space nightmare. Greener! More scaly! And really not interested in anything other than murdering anything in front of it. What could possibly go wrong?
You mess with the Bull Alien, you get the horns. A couple of years ago, toy maker Kenner hit on a brilliant idea: Xenomorph toys, but what if a Facehugger had raped various animals instead? Out of that idea was born plenty of the plastic fellas, reimaginings of one-night stands and morning after chest explosions that resulted in creatures such as Xenomorph with the traits of a brutal bovine.
The end result was pretty effective: A quadruped with a big head and plenty of aggression. Someone call in the El Space Matadors to deal with this problem.
Aliens vs Predator. The idea simply sold itself, a beautiful crossover of the two deadliest species in the galaxy. It was of course only a matter of time until they crossed over…more intimately. That beautiful union resulted in the Predalien, the horror of two worlds. While it may not have the stealth of its host DNA parent, the Predalien made up for this with sheer overwhelming strength and a drive to conquer.
Often considered the ultimate prey, the Predators have one other reason for wanting to exterminate one of these creatures whenever they’re encountered: They’re not just a danger to the universe at large, but also an abomination and an insult to their entire culture.
You’d have to be a special kind of stupid to want to make a standard Xenomorph even more capable of ripping your face off. They may not know how to use a pulse rifle, but a Xeno is still plenty deadly all on its own thanks to natural defenses inherent to its biology.SO WHY WOULD YOU ADD PREYING MANTIS DNA TO THE EQUATION?!
The end result? A Xenomorph that comes running at you with a pair of sickles for hands and an urge to have its head eaten after intercourse. Did I mention that it happens to be really adept at jumping? Because it is. Happy thoughts!
Kervyn pleaded with me to keep the Newborn from Alien: Resurrection off of this list. Kervyn also underestimated just how much of a bastard I really am, because I dig this abomination of a design. The Newborn just ticked so many boxes for me when it was first seen on the big screen. It’s an unsettling combination of human and Xenomorph DNA, an uncomfortable fusion of horror and ballsiness that to me at least, is a crowing achievement in monster special effects on a practical level.
Speaking of ballsiness: Did you know that the Newborn was supposed to be an intersex nightmare fuel monster with both male and female sets of genitalia? It’s true, Google it. Fortunately a line was drawn somewhere, but it’s still one hell of a creature that deserves more love. Maybe just not from Ripley-7.
It’s good to be the king. Unlike the Queen Alien, the King has it easy: All the inherited DNA of the bloody remains of his host parent, none of the parental responsibilities of having to give birth to an entire brood of nightmare penis monsters. How does one become King Alien then? By sporting a crest more regal than any other Xenomorph around, having a larger presence and lording it over anyone within earshot.
It’s good to be the king.
I don’t like snakes. I know they’re merely animals, but they’re also frickin’ snakes. Seeing one of them slithering about, just minding their businesssssss? Bastards. The biggest snake in existence at the moment is the Anaconda/your family lawyer, a gargantuan beast that could easily squeeze the life out of you if you so much as poked it with a stick.
Now imagine that horror BUT EVEN WORSE. Imagine an even bigger snake, it’s entire being bristling with bony appendages and capable of flaring open its hood to make itself even more intimidating. All that, but with the added bonus of being instantly digested thanks to its acidic circulatory system. I’m never ever sleeping again.
White Hybrid Alien
Pop quiz: What happens when you combine Human, Xenomorph and Predator DNA? You get the White Hybrid. Also you wind up with a case of being dead, probably. Fatal stuff. Possibly the most dangerous Xenomorph ever encountered, White Hybrids didn’t just have strength and unparalleled survival instincts on their side: They also had intelligence. Capable of communicating with one another and using tools, the White Hybrids were eventually all wiped out by the original flavour of Xenomorph.
Or were they? Actually yeah, they were. Moving on!
Benny Hill Alien
The ultimate lifeform. Its perfection matched only by its stupidity and a rushed to market product. If all the examples above are highlights of just what the Alien franchise is capable of, then the Benny Hill variant from Aliens: Colonial Marines is the lowest point in the entire history of the series.
Last Updated: May 9, 2017