Top List Thursdays – Top ten films which only exist as trailers

5 min read
1

Drumming up some support for a movie, can rely solely on a good trailer. These days, we have to sit through teasers about trailers, an idea that should burn in an inferno along with the guy that came up with it.

Some movie trailers however, wind up being better than the film itself. Here’s a look at ten magnificent trailers, for glorious films that shall never be.

The Punisher versus Batman

On one hand, you have an orphan with mental issues and far too much money, waging a war on crime, but never killing. On the other, bloodier hand, you have a soldier out for revenge, taking his war to extreme levels, killing any and all who cross him. Now slap ’em together, throw in John Travolta (AH JEEZ!) and the Joker, and you’ve got the one superhero fisticuffs film that we’d actually pay to watch.

Scorcher

Sure, Tug Speedman may be venturing out into more dramatic roles, fully embracing them in films such as Happy Jack, but he’ll always be the action movie star from Scorcher to me, the man who made a difference, not once, not twice, but several more times.

Werewolf women of the SS

If you need one reason to watch this trailer, it’s to see Nicolas Cage at the end, dressed like an Asian stereotype, and eating all the scenery in site, an impressive feat that only lasts a few seconds.

Read  Take a look at Horizon Zero Dawn: The Frozen Wilds fire-breathing Scorcher

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Macbeth

Reading Macbeth in high school was crap. But getting detention for refusing to read the lines without an Arnie accent? Totally worth it. Watch Schwarzenegger wreck a Shakespearian classic so hard, that the famed scribe most likely spun in his grave hard enough to reach Australia with his drilling motions.

Scary Poppins

I never trusted Mary Poppins and her devil servant Dick van Dyke who was masquerading as a cockney chimney sweep. And now you know why. There’s only one word for this recut film: Scarycalifragelisticexpialodocious!

Thundercats

Bradd Pitt as Lion-O, Vin Diesel as Panthro and Hugh Jackman as Tigra? WHY HAS NO ONE MADE THIS YET? Either kill Schnarf in the beginning, or make him more like his infinitely more loveable incarnation in the current reboot of the iconic franchise, and I’ll be shouting THUNDER until launch day for this film!

1776

If 300 was as accurate as a one-legged man in ass-kicking contest, then 1776 would make it look like required textbook teaching. One day, thousands of years in our future, when fact becomes legend, and legend becomes myth, this is the film that will be made about the history of America and it’s polar-bear punching founding.

And my severed head in a jar will be there to witness it, before dying in peace.

Read  Take a look at Horizon Zero Dawn: The Frozen Wilds fire-breathing Scorcher

ET-X

Ah, good ol’ ET. He may have an addiction for Reese’s Pieces that was on par with a Heroin junkie, but he was a loveable, peaceful alien that resembled a walking turd. Pity the rest of his race wasn’t so 1960’s in attitude.

And when the world is about to be taken over by the monstrous snake-necked creatures from 3 million light years away, who ya gonna call? Why Bruce Willis and Morgan Freeman of course!

The Legend of Zelda

Why Hollywood has yet to adapt the wonderful world that Nintendo created so many years ago, is beyond me. And watching this legendary trailer from IGN, just drives home the fact that I’ll never ever get to hear John Williams or Hans Zimmer direct a time-travel Ocarina soundtrack-laden masterpiece.

Cock Puncher

I’ve used ol’ Stephanus Seevoel before, but when it comes to punching gentlemen bits, this kind of action never gets old. Steven Seagal is COCK-PUNCHER!

Last Updated: August 2, 2012

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia’s M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

  • What about the long awaited comedy version of The Shining?

Check Also

Take a look at Horizon Zero Dawn: The Frozen Wilds fire-breathing Scorcher

I’m not nearly as enamoured with Horizon Zero Dawn as just about everybody else on earth. …