The good, the bad, and the ugly of the past week – 03 February 2017

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AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

I got myself a Rasberry Pi for Christmas, and I’ve only just recently gotten around to turning it into a retro gaming console. You know what it’s taught me? Old games are effing hard! Seriously Capcom, what were you thinking unleashing the likes of Mega Man 1 onto innocent consumers?

Anyhow, onto more important things. It is with great sadness that I announce that I am leaving Critical Hit. I always planned to move onto something different in 2017, but I always thought I’d still write for the site in some capacity – maybe the odd review here and there for example. Unfortunately, with the new job I have taken, it doesn’t seem like that will be possible (it’s a bit of a conflict of interest in my eyes), at least not in the immediate future.

Though I’m definitely excited about the new adventure that lies ahead of me, I am heartbroken that I am leaving this wonderful team behind. They are passionate, talented, dedicated, and just goddam awesome to work with. I’m going to sorely miss our office discussions, which more often than not bordered on absurdity.

I’d like to thank Geoff for giving me this opportunity. Several years ago, I dropped him an email asking if I could submit a piece or two. He kindly gave me the go ahead, and that opened up the door for me to do something I’ve always dreamed of doing.

I can say that I wrote about games for a living. I can say that I had to actually sit down and play something for work, so I could review it. I can say that I was flown to different parts of the world just so I could preview code before it reached the hands of consumers.  I can say that I’ve been to Gamescom, BlizzCon, and even the biggest show of them all, E3. I can say that I’ve met some of the creative people who made the very games I love playing.

I’ve made vivid memories that I will carry with me forever. More than that though, and more importantly I think, I’ve forged awesome new friendships.

To Alessandro, Marco, Darryn, Gavin, Geoff, Kyle, and Zoe – the original Lazygamer team – thank you for everything; the general banter, philosophical discussions, and all the laughs. ALL OF THEM! To the original The Movies team; Craig, Kervyn, Nick, Noelle, Tracy, and Trevor, I’m sorry our time together was so short. I would’ve loved to work with you all for a lot longer! Last but definitely not least, to you the readers, thank you for everything;  the comments, the memes, the giggles… everything. It has been such a pleasure writing for you!

Best Stories

Let’s start with some real good news, shall we? Here’re a whole lot of competitions we’re running that you should totally enter:

If you’re a fan of racers, you’ll be happy to know that the first trailer for Project Cars 2 was leaked earlier this week. Check it out:

If racing ain’t your thing, fine, how about some Batman? Apparently a new game is going to be announced come March the 8th!

Worst Stories

In WTF news this week, PETA has called for a ban on plastic fur worn by Warhammer figures. No really, we’re not making this up! Plastic figurines need to stop sporting fake fur, because it’s sending the message that such a thing is acceptable. Well with that logic, I’m surprised more people aren’t out and about reenacting the bloody battlefields of Warhammer.

Ben Affleck is no longer directing The Batman. I only consider it a potential piece of bad news because I consider him a great director. I was looking forward to seeing his take on the caped crusader. At the very least, he’ll still be acting in and producing the film. Phew!

Lastly, Trump decided to impose a ban on Muslims a couple of days ago. That in itself is already WTF, but it carries some other ramifications that you may not have considered. For example, it’s having an impact on eSports.

Random Stories

This week, it came out that Conan: Exiles would allow players to generously play around with their endowment. That’s already quite random I guess, but not as random as this NSFW video that Darryn put together:

I don’t have any intention to grab the Nintendo Switch anytime soon, and thus, the new Legend of Zelda, but this new Nendoroid figurine? Holy hell – just shut up and take my money already. That thing is too damn cute for its own good!

It’s either that, or this Horizon Zero Dawn Collector’s Edition. Damn you gaming industry, why must you hate my wallet so?

Editorials, Previews, and Reviews this Week

Hit or Miss: The 89th Academy Award Nominations
Bravado Gaming – The hero SA needs or the one it deserves
Fitbit Charge 2 review – a great, feature-filled fitness device
Resident Evil 7: Biohazard review – a terrifying and excellent return to form
Darling Brewery – fantastic atmosphere and some great beer
Collateral Beauty Review – A quotable piece of therapy – if not entertainment
CAYNE Review – Barefoot and pregnant in space is only the beginning of the horror
Poochy and Yoshi’s Woolly World review – A slight compromise on platforming magnificence
Nioh Review (in Progress) – Immensely satisfying samurai action
Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: Mega Battle Review
Yakuza 0 review – An engrossing origin story that’s perfect for newcomers and a treat for veterans
It may be nearly 20 years old, but Castlevania: Symphony of the Night is still amazing
Matty’s Top 10 games of all time (for now)
A personal wishlist: 8 things I want to see in Overwatch
Seven directors we’d love to see helm The Batman
5 games to play on your new PlayStation VR
Sriracha Showdown – Who’s got the best locally available Sriracha?

Header of the Week

Deus-Ex-MK

Deus Ex is taking a vacation, and according to Darryn, Adam Jensen is off to do some fishing. That Photoshop (we never asked for) is just too glorious to not feature here.

Comment of the Week

Remember that PETA request to ban Warhammer figures from wearing fake fur? Dutch Matrix explains why it’s so important. Just look at this legit testimony:

A mother sits on the steps of her stoep, dabbing a tissue at a tearful eye. Once again she takes in the horrible blood soaked scene in front of her and again, for what seems to Paul the hundredth time, she starts bawling. “I don’t know what happened!” she admits as she stops crying long enough. “I just bought little Pieterjie a Warhammer statue, next thing I know he takes the broodmes to poor Twinkies yelling MUST.WEAR.IT’S.FUR!!!! Winter is COMING!!”

Oh you!

Bonus Premium Content

Here’s a video Darryn and I have always loved because REASONS:

Next up, my own choice, a classic Wronchi animation:

And then something from Kervyn:

Lastly, a little something something from Geoff:

So long everybody. Thank you for everything, really, from the bottom of my heart!

Last Updated: February 3, 2017

Matthew Figueira

Defence of the Ancients? More like Defence of the cabbages! Have you seen my head? I look like a Merino Sheep on pole. NO SHANGE only SHAPPIES! :D

    • *sniff*

      Goodbye Figgy Stardust

    • Matthew Figueira

      <3

  • MonsterCheddar
  • Dutchy!!!!!!!

  • MonsterCheddar

    Well Done Dutch.

  • PurplePariah

    You will be missed man. Good luck with your future endeavours, whatever they are. Just drop in to troll or be trolled once in a while?

    • Matthew Figueira

      Of course!

  • Matty, we will miss you. I’m not going to elaborate more becuase darnit the site changed and now you are gone.

    Just feels wrong ok?

    • Hammersteyn

      I agree

    • Praise KEK

      Feels wrong on multiple levels. At least seven of them.

  • VampyreSquirrel

    Baai Matt! Don’t be a stranger! We know people that know where you live! We’ll find you!

    All the best with the new job and endeavors! We’ll miss you!

  • NO MATTY! HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

  • Alien Emperor Trevor

    tl;dr 😛

    All the best, Matty!
    http://soepic.pl/stor/items/03ba82ffe1ad162dc.gif

  • Original Heretic
  • Member Berry Bob

    Bye Matty. So long and thanks for all the fish… er, cabbage.

  • MonsterCheddar

    NOOOOOOOO!!!!! Our favourite befluffled Porra is leaving!!!!! WHY MUFFYOU, WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/ff9b4d694f6cf00213659c5354c84bca4aef06015c0239e272a8bc570d798471.gif

  • You better swing by a lot. No one else talks speedrunning and hearthstone with me!

  • MonsterCheddar

    Good luck with your future endeavours, Muffyou. You better pop in like EVERYDAY!!!

    • Matthew Figueira

      I will try 🙂

  • DragonSpirit009

    Aw… farewell Matty!
    Enjoy your new adventure 🙂

  • konfab

    In other news…
    Meat lovers unite as the tyranny of the cabbage lord has been toppled.

    • Hammersteyn

      Also, a sharp drop in Dota articles are reported

      • Matthew Figueira

        And Blizzard news 😛

    • Matthew Figueira

      FINALLY! Hopefully Alessandro can fill my cabbage shoes 😛

  • Matty, I trust your new adventure is successful beyond your dreams. Just sucks to see you go. Really. You have become such a part of many of our lives. People will notice the gap in writing styles. Each of the writers here have such unique ways of putting articles together and yes, your style will be missed

    • Matthew Figueira

      Thanks! Really means a lot 🙂

  • Magoo

    Whew, I thought he would never leave!

    AMARAAT? /s

    Cheers man, gooden lucken!

  • Zoe Hawkins

    So sad to say bye, mattstick. I’m glad we will always have murder hotel….
    https://youtu.be/pX-6AuyXAPg

    • Admiral Chief

      #NeverForget

      • Hammersteyn

        hehe invades colon

    • Matthew Figueira

      Omg forgot all about this video. Apartment for ants! I was so young and innocent back then 😛

  • Guild

    All the best Matty for the future. Hopefully you won’t be a stranger here. Will definitely keep in touch.

  • Dutch Matrix

    Oh wowee thanks for the win Matty! And for the Cabbage Sarmies! Oh, and for I dunno, porra-ing up the place a bit! Good luck with your future endeavours old chap!

    • PurplePariah

      There was no way your comment wasn’t winning this week XD

      • Dutch Matrix

        Thanks man!

        • Hammersteyn

          That was awesome

  • Admiral Chief

    YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE
    YOU HAVE FAILED US ALL YOU HAIRY KNEED BASTARD!!!

    Anyway, best of luck dude!

  • Ir0nseraph

    Cheers Matt , you will be missed especially the horror vids of you screaming.

    • Admiral Chief

      Matty horror vid reviews were the best!

  • For the Emperor!

    That last video…what the heck did I just watch? And why am I repeating it? Can’t make it stop!

    • That’s been me for the last week. It’s oddly mesmerising, and terrible, and I’ve watched it a half billion times.

      • miaau

        Like that Spanish Asereje video ky Las Ketchup (spell?) a few years back

      • For the Emperor!

        I downloaded it and got it on repeat…what am I doing with my life? lol

  • Dresden

    Cheers Matt, your Blizzard articles and other interesting topics will be sorely missed.
    I think the comments section is a testament to the impact you had on me and others on this forum.
    Best of luck in your future endeavors sir!
    https://media.giphy.com/media/q4EYdXJQlcgr6/giphy.gif

    • Matthew Figueira

      Wow… thanks so much! Really means a lot <3

  • miaau

    Best of luck. I hope the new direction is a good fit for you and you settle quickly.

    Is there anything stopping you from, you know, reading the site and commenting from time to time?

    • Matthew Figueira

      Thanks! Really hoping new company doesn’t have this site blocked 🙂 if not, I’ll definitely pop in when I can!

  • Hammersteyn

    MATTY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

    • Admiral Chief

      He is coming to work for me

      • Hammersteyn

        Say what?

        • Admiral Chief

          Yep, need a mop

          (dies)

          • Dutch Matrix

            You are going to a warm place…

          • Admiral Chief

            Pretoria is quite warm yeah

          • miaau

            was at a weekend getaway last, last weekend just north of Brits. Heat there is just…. extreme.

          • Dutch Matrix

            Come to Vereeniging…

          • Hammersteyn

            XD

          • Matthew Figueira

            Lol xD what a prick!

  • Sageville

    DAMMIT MATT!

  • Umar

    Once more you open the door
    And you’re here in my heart
    And my heart will go on and on

    • Matthew Figueira

      <3

  • Goodbye and goodluck in your new job.

    Stop by the comments section at least every now and then at least!

    • Matthew Figueira

      For sure! Will be around whenever I can 🙂

  • Praise KEK

    Cheers, bro. Hope things work out well for you. Other than that, I still think they should have contractually bound you to play Outlast 2 on VR as a Lets Play 😉

    • Matthew Figueira

      Hahaha maybe I’ll pursue horror let’s plays in my own capacity 🙂

      • Praise KEK

        HA! Set up a youtube channel. I’ll subscribe just for the lol’s. Good luck and God bless, Matthew.

  • Best of luck

    • Matthew Figueira

      Thanks! 🙂

  • Good week! Great articles too!

  • HvR

    What go for quick (by Cape Town standard) lunch and come back to this …

    How? why?

    Really with no forewarning, so disappointing.

    Dutch won comment of the week ?!?!?!

    O well cheers Matty Feeeeeeeeeeg

    • Matthew Figueira

      Sorry to disappoint xD

      • HvR

        🙂
        Have good one, good luck with your future endeavors

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