Introducing Critical Hit’s new game review system

2 min read
38

No-more

Every year, billions of game developers die because of Metacritic. An arbitrary collection of numbers and some other aggregate crap that makes no sense to a guy who barely passed his Maths exam in Grade 7, it’s clear that this system is holding us back. But Critical Hit (previously Lazygamer) has heard your cries. Critical Hit is here to save the day. And as the most important website in Africa (Behind Bathroom Bizarre Online, SpareBeetleParts.co.za and MugabeFalls.org), we feel that we have a duty to be a shining beacon of inspiration with our review system.

For starters, none of our reviews will contain any words whatsoever. Market research has proven that audiences don’t exactly care for a thousand-odd words of hastily written tripe, especially when it has been penned by a gang of foul-smelling Morlocks with the manners of a bloated dead horse. So words are out, and instead our reviews will use revolutionary new Negative Space Technology ™, while we pretend to have actually played the game.

Instead of using those bastard numbers to assign an opinionated value to our reviews, we’ve overhauled the system to now use the finest reaction GIF’s, gathered from five minutes of drunkenly surfing through 4Chan. Our new system works as follows:

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100-91:

90-81:

80-71:

70-61:

60-51:

50-41:

40-31:

30-21:

20-11:

10-0:

There may be a level of adjustment required for this new format, but seeing as how we spent over R1 Billion to hire the guys behind the eNATIS system to create this for us, we really don’t care about any complaints. Tune in next week, where we stay ahead of the curve once again by closing the website down for good, so that we can be as cool as 1UP.com and GameSpy.
*We’re not ditching numbers. Numbers are awesome. If you believed that article though, I’d gladly share of some of your medicinal “medicine” with you.

Last Updated: February 13, 2017

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia’s M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

  • Brady miaau

    A great read and a great response to a problem that may or may not exist!

    Thanks, LG (and Darryn), for restoring my faith in numbers in general

    Numberwang!

  • Hammersteyn

    This can be for games that equals a wet fart

    http://img-9gag-ftw.9cache.com/photo/aMrQV91_460sa.gif

    • Sageville

      “I just shat myself” face.

      • Hammersteyn

        hahahaha

  • Hammersteyn

    Visiting 1UP.com and GameSpy is depressing. You can see when the sites died.

    • HvR

      Sad feelings. Gamespy was my go to site after we got our Mweb dial-up line and 1UP had probably the best gaming podcast ever.

      Hope Gavin never sells to Ziff Davis.

    • So Hard (Umar)

      I loved 1up so much!

  • HvR

    This is an outrage, typical Lazygamer making a mockery of gaming journalism. You are messing with people’s jobs here, THEIR FUTURES!!!! Using a stupid Top Gear gif when you can use this:
    http://media.giphy.com/media/1gb2lApBCtzm8/giphy.gif

  • Sir GIF Sexy

    YES! Let the GIFs rule! LET THEM RULE ALL! OUR MASTER PLAN IS WORKING! MWHAHAHAHA!

    10-0 should be:

    http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–2GBIS6jW–/j6pmsupiw1rfxmvuemuj.gif

  • Nick de Bruyne

    Holy crap that was funny. Man those GIFs were perfect.

  • Nick de Bruyne

    “Okay team, we have just been informed that unless we get a Jeremy Clarkson, we are all out of a job”. Last year we scraped by on a Gandalf, but Gandalfs aren’t good enough anymore”

  • Mathias

  • Ryanza

    Oh Gallifrey.

    If I’m standing ina shop and want to buy a video game and I use my phone to quickly check review scores, I will need a number. I can’t stand there in the shop, can’t make up my mind, and read a long fucking review.
    But by Gallifrey, those review numbers need to be right. No leniency. I can’t be buying no 8.5 boring ass shitty games.

    Don’t Support DRM. The Witcher 3 is coming. 9.2 easy.

    • Splooshypooh

      Now THERE is a good point

  • Geoff

    I laughed so hard at the second last gif, I almost had a heart attack.

  • Tracy Benson

    Oh man, love it! The 10-0 gif was just… perfect, on multiple levels. If you guys actually did replace review scores with these gifs that would be amazing

    • Admiral Chief

      It has been many moons since I last saw you comment here

  • Mossel

    lol this is awesome. Although I feel this Jonah Hill gif could’ve been worked in somewhere.

    http://replygif.net/i/237.gif

    • Admiral Chief

      Agreed

  • Brilliant Darryn!

  • Kensei Seraph

    And for those that score negative:
    http://funnymama.com/store/131123/239061_v0_600x.gif

    • Admiral Chief

      Too sparkly

    • Sageville

      Needs more “Le Sigh”

  • This made my day…

  • CAE9872

    hahahaha – actually I like the GIF idea…

  • Sageville

    Rating 0 – 10 the best!

  • Gideon Venter

    I so wanted MugabeFalls.org to be a thing… Way to raise my hopes and then expertly dash them sir.

    You could have a future in telling orphans how great biological parents are.

  • I don’t understand, this article has nothing to do with how many Pokemon @Darrangedd has caught. I came here to read about his mastery!

  • Ryanza

    You know personally I liked the old way Lazygamer.co.za used to score games. Because in the end one number is not going to work for a lot of people. People play games for different reasons and highlighting those reasons will always be better, especially when you in a hurry and need feedback fast.

    Evolve:
    Story – 3
    gameplay and shooting mechanic – 7.5
    single player – 3
    multiplayer – 7 (4v1)
    weapons, classes, – 7
    maps – 7
    graphics – 7.5
    audio, music and fun effects, 7
    cost of DLC – 8
    DLC worth – 2

    ok Evolve doesn’t have much to offer but you get my drift.
    Evolve score – 5.9. and that’s about the right score for Evolve.

    So if you looking for a good shooting, multiplayer, guns, maps and graphics. You looking at a 7.2 game.
    If you looking for a single player, story game. You looking at a 3.

    I think Lazygamer.net should go back and revisted the Lazygamer.net days when it comes to scoring games.

    • Ryanza

      *revisit Lazygamer.co.za days…

  • hairyknees

    How the hell did I miss this article? XD this is amazing!

  • Ha ha ha, great article

  • Majik

    Bwahahaha, most classic read ever! Nice one Darryn 100/10

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