It'll take a million, says Boll

2 min read
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Could it be? Will we finally see the end of Uwe Boll, the talentless German director who delivered atrocious examples of cinema in the guise of Alone in the Dark, House of the Dead, Postal and soon Far Cry? ‘Talentless’ is a bit of a harsh word – in fact, if you have seen some of his films you might agree that Boll is truly gifted. In an Ed Wood kind of way. But that might open the door to a cult feature film about the guy many years from now. Best we move on.

Gamers, being the crowd of haters that they are, obviously just can’t let go. True, not all gamers are like that, but there is an unfortunate side to gaming that makes its participants appear to have the shared intelligence and social grace of a five year old. The ‘Gimme!’ culture of gaming is annoying and I bet quite a few developers wish they didn’t have to suffer the constant demands of a pretty fickle audience. Fortunately this isn’t universal. One opinion I read of Bioshock is that it sucked because it lacked more guns and you couldn’t carry an arsenal of total doom with you. Obviously the game’s sales reflect otherwise, but the gamer’s standard position is one of demanded privilege – as if the developers of the world make games because they love US, not games.

But I digress. Uwe Boll sucks, so much that the whinging masses of gaming think it’s a worthwhile and noble pursuit to try and stop him. Everyone’s already doing their bit – I doubt there is a single one of his game movies that even made anything resembling a profit. Still, the guy gets under gamer skins, which is roughly as tough as slipping a condom on a pencil that has been marinating in oil. Thus we hate him and projects like this have risen to stop the madness. Please, Uwe Boll, stop making game movies, because we all know the other game movies were simply terrific.

But Boll has agreed! In an interview he said 1 million signatures will dot he trick! So here is your chance. Really – you can’t lose: either you vote Boll to stop and you prove my position that gamers are a bunch of reactionary, self-diluted prima-donnas or you don’t vote, I look like an ass and Boll keeps doing what he does (though for a lot less).

Frankly, I say go for option two. Boll will stop anyway without your help. I, myself, am proof of this – without any input from my side, Jessica Simpson has stopped singing and Paris Hilton really has no movie career.

Last Updated: April 8, 2008

James

A total movie glutton, nothing is too bad or too obscure to watch, unless it’s something like The Human Centipede. If you enjoyed that, there is something wrong with you. But bless you anyway – even video nasties need love…

  • LazySAGamer

    I’m not sure I agree with you here to be honest.

    I see no reason for the guys inside gaming to be immune to being criticised, it’s the same as every other entertainment industry. You can’t please everyone but the rewards for pleasing most are great.

    However if you fail then you have to be big enough to take the punishment….

  • James Francis

    It’s not about criticism. That’s a different matter. I don’t think the audience behind games are nearly as appreciative of the media s say movie or music fans are. It’s less about the wonderment of what a developer can achieve and more about instant gratification. As far as games go, most inevitably resemble the produced qualities of a girl pop group (catchy, polished, flashy and soon forgotten by most) than something that really seems to mirror the developer’s real intentions. Not that there’s much wrong with catering for the masses, but int his case that’s almost all that’s happening, combined with a rather indignant, self-interested mob doing the buying and complaining. In the rare case, the other side shows itself (Beautiful Katamari) and the game can come back to do well (Beyond Good & Evil on Steam), but often a game has to be ridiculously innovative to make a scene.

    Don’t ask what the game can do for you, ask what you love about the game.

  • I have a question though:

    If his movie adaptations have bombed so badly, then why does he keep securing new projects? Is it because he is the only person willing to do them?

    Is it a scenario where he is the reason that so many adaptations are bombing that no one wants to take on the projects, and in turn, the projects land in his willing hands, only to bomb more? Is he creating the circle here?

  • James Francis

    Apparently it has something to do with a German tax shelter law, though that has been stopped. But maybe it’s the theory from The Producers, where making an absolute flop is more profitable than a huge success. Who know? The financing of movies and how the money comes out of it is not entirely clear. Then again, maybe he just knows lots of stupid rich people.

    What I find more interesting is how quickly the studios signed game titles over to him, despite his terrible films.

  • Yeah, but thats exactly my point, what’s going on!?

    All his movies bomb, none have been remotely successful (or has there been one?) yet he still gets new projects thrown at him all the time.

    I haven’t seen it myself, but a friend tells me that the house of the dead movie actually reused footage over and over in the movie (Zombies running through a forest or something). He has now aptly dubbed it, “the house of the copy paste”

  • I think he did hte first Street Fighter Movie which was marginally successful. From it looks like he secure a lot of rights in one big blob before any of them came out.

    doobiwan’s last blog post..’08 exclusives, the other side.

  • SlippyMadFrog

    The cost of his movies can’t be high so the break-even point can’t be that hard to reach.

  • James Francis

    No, he had nothing to do with Street Fighter. In fact, his movie list reveals a bunch of obscure and terrible films. Maybe in the beginning investors probably believed the hype and figured that games are so popular the movies would turn a profit no matter what.

    Not that it matters where Boll gets his cash. After the Dungeon Siege fiasco he’s likely to be out of any serious investors. Then again, maybe the guy is a charmer. He has managed to get some decent a and b-list actors onto his films (Christian Slater, Michelle Rodriguez and Ray Liotta come to mind).

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