MGS: Mental Geriatrics (can't eat) Solids: Grandfathers of the Patriots

3 min read
15

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After watching the trailer for MGS4, the only thing running through my mind was: This game looks cool but why in the hell are all the important characters a bunch of old-timers in serious need of some anti-wrinkle cream?

They say this is the last episode of the Solid Snake saga. Well thank goodness for that. If they carried on any longer, MGS5 would be a Nintendo Wii title, where the object of the game was to use your WiiMote to wrap diapers around the characters and spoon feed them bottles of puree food.

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I have nothing against old people, I quite like them actually but a bunch of old people running around shooting guns and causing trouble? Sounds like a delusional feud between two members of a retirement village to me.

There are reasons that they never made a videogame of The Golden Girls, it’s because it is very rare that people find themselves wanting to control someone who has very little control of their own bodily functions to begin with. Who wants to prance around in a warzone controlling a decrepit old geezer with only one eye (don’t start) and a gun. That’s why Sean Connery isn’t still acting in the James Bond movies. Even the new Indiana Jones movie is pushing the limit.

Yes, I know Snake is a clone and yes I know that it makes him age faster than usual and no I don’t really care because it still means that you are carting an old man around. I see he is still puffing away on cigarettes too, I am sure that will help keep him in tip-top shape.

I am assuming that he is on the job because of experience. Why isn’t Boris Becker or John McEnroe entering or winning Wimbledon anymore? Oh yes, that’s right. It’s because of their age, they just aren’t as physically fit and mentally focused as they used to be. Snake is old, Ocelot is old, Campbell could croak any minute. I sure as hell hope the games doesn’t require you to check Snake’s blood pressure every now and then.

Let us all, for just a moment, visualise a new Tomb Raider game. Lara Croft is on her final mission, the story is intense, the stakes are high, but her skin is wrinkly and her breasts hang below her knees. That is sure to put a lot of people off. “But this isn’t the same thing” you say, “Lara Craft is a sex symbol, it directly affects the appeal of the game”. All the die hard fans will try and justify everything, but what about other gamers.

This game is for the fans apparently. Good for them. What about everyone else? How many retrospectives do I have to read before I get an idea of what this game is all about? This game is supposed to be a huge mover for PS3’s, but most new comers are going to feel overwhelmed by it all. Try to explain to your run-of-the-mill gamer that he is going to need to pack a lunch before watching some of the cutscenes. He will think that you have gone mad.

So let me get this straight. I’m going to be spending a lot of my time watching really long cutscenes of two old guys having a go at each other? Well, in that case, I’ll rather save myself the money and go rent “The Bucket List” instead.


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Last Updated: June 6, 2008

Nick De Bruyne

Video games writer, editor and critic since ’08. Living and breathing video games, movies and cars since the 80s. Follow me on Twitter if you love tons of gaming talk, and @pennyworthrevs for fun stuff and links.

  • darthdad

    LOL, Nick are you a “run-of-the-mill gamer”? πŸ˜‰

  • Etienne Vlok

    You forgot to mention that most of the really, really old people have a degree of mullet-ness that rivals Patrcick Swayze back in the ’80s.

    I wonder if the PS4 could have some sort of way to integrate smell into the game. When playing with Snake, you’d be inundated with the smell of boiled cabbage, Marlboro and Brylcreem!

  • darthdad

    πŸ˜† Old spice!

  • Fox1

    Hahahahahahaha :mrgreen:

  • Etienne Vlok

    /shudder

    Vicks!

  • Not gonna bite πŸ™‚

    Jinja’s last blog post..Evolver Music Video featuring Koekoemoer

  • Wow Ettiene, that technology is sounding a little less appealing all off a sudden.

  • Preparation H … 😯

  • Milesh Bhana ZA

    Don’t worry MGS5 will be MGS:The next generation with androgenous characters and funky bright coloured hair.

    (Sorry, watching too much Yahtzee vids)

  • Goose ZA

    speaking of which… what happened to yesterday’s ZP Lazy? Surely I don’t have to actually go to the site myself instead of getting it in my handy RSS reader?? πŸ˜‰

  • LazySAGamer

    It was posted… I never miss Yahtzee….

    http://www.lazygamer.co.za/review/zero-punctuation-oblivion/

  • Milesh Bhana ZA

    hey that reminds me, Lazy, when are you meeting that nutter anyway ?

  • Etienne Vlok

    Dude.

  • jared

    Nick

    Then u havent heard that MGS4 is coming to the xbox360?

  • Nice email address jared. Im actually going to go to some very great lengths to organise a ps3 to play this on. But hey, keep screaming “fanboi!!” if it helps you sleep at night.

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