Which organs would you need to sell to actually buy new gaming hardware?

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Organs

We often post new hardware, toys and gadgets here that we’d easily sell our organs for, or keep a bathtub stocked with ice the next time solicitors pop on down to our offices. That’s a favourite joke in any circle, but have you ever really been that desperate? Have you ever actually thought of chopping off a limb or going under the knife just so that you can have the newest gear?

Well good news folks. Not only is Lazygamer clued up on the black market due to dealings that made us rich beyond our wildest dreams when we sold 9/10 scores, but we know a little something something about organ harvesting as well. So if you really, really want a new iPad and can do without some of your skin, we can make a deal with some shady chaps lurking in the back alley over there.

I’m using a case example from Medical Transcript here, via Gizmodo. Numbers from around the world which are largely the same and with few fluctuations between other accredited sources:

  • Pair of Eyeballs: $1,525
  • Scalp: $607
  • Skull with Teeth: $1,200
  • Shoulder: $500
  • Coronary Artery: $1,525
  • Heart: $119,000
  • Liver: $157,000
  • Hand and Forearm: $385
  • Pint of Blood: $337
  • Spleen: $508
  • Stomach: $508
  • Small Intestine: $2,519
  • Kidney: $262,000
  • Gallbladder: $1,219
  • Skin: $10 per square inch
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That’s not too bad. If those numbers are real, then selling off a spleen (MY SPLEEN!) will net you most of what you need for an HTC Vive or at least an iPad that is relevant for this year. If you’re a complete teetotaller like myself, then you can easily do without a liver and buy 327 of the HTC VR kits. Fun for the whole family!

In fact, I’ve translated the list even further, to show you what some fresh organs are worth in nerdy monetary terms:

  • Pair of Eyeballs: Almost two HTC Vives
  • Scalp: $607 worth of cat penises pennies
  • Skull with Teeth: One MSI Intel Core i7-6700HQ & NVIDIA GeForce GTX 960M gaming laptop
  • Shoulder: Pepper Potts and Mark IX Iron Man collectible Hot Toys figures for Darryn
  • Coronary Artery: Three iPad Airs with 32gb storage
  • Heart: 748 Black Series Star Wars Lightsabers
  • Liver: 21017 DVDs of the Oscar-winning 1994 Street Fighter movie that starred Jean Claude Van Damme and Raul Julia
  • Hand and Forearm: At least one LEGO kit
  • Pint of Blood: At least another LEGO kit
  • Spleen: The rest of the LEGO kit, this is the last time I mention LEGO I promise
  • Stomach: A very cool and realitsic Freddy Krueger mask made from soft silicone
  • Small Intestine: At least ten Hot Toys Iron Man figures for D’s House Party sixth-scale protocol plans
  • Kidney: Even more f***ing LEGO, yes I am a liar
  • Gallbladder: At least one night’s stay in Nkandla
  • Skin: Silk toilet paper per square inch
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Of course, chances are that you’ll be massively stiffed in the end by unscrupulous black marketers who’ll most likely leave you with just a few hundred dollars after deducting various costs and expenses from your trip to the surgery. But then again, it’s not my organs on the line here, as I quitely drop sleeping pills into Matty’s favourite soda…

    Last Updated: March 1, 2016

    Darryn Bonthuys

    Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia’s M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

    • Hammersteyn

      Kidney: $262,000? I’ll sell mine now!

      • Deceased

        My exact response

      • RustedFaith

        Wait for the rand to drop more first 🙂

        • Hammersteyn

          hahahaha

      • Praveen Kumar

        we will buy from you $280,000.00

    • Hammersteyn

      Not sure where the header is from but the balloon glove kinda underplays the horror

        • Hammersteyn

          I am ashamed.
          *Leaves planet

          • Commander Admiral Chief

            COME BAAAAAAAAAACK

            • Alien Emperor Trevor

              Steyn!, Come back, Steyn!

    • Alien Emperor Trevor

      You’d probably get a bit more for Matty & Sandy, they work out so their organs should be in good nick. Plus you’ll have a bit more time to shop them around because they’ll be a bit preserved with all that salt, vinegar & peri-peri.

      • Hammersteyn

        Plus you’ll get triple for Matty’s scalp

        • Alien Emperor Trevor

          You could shear him, knit a unique sweater & sell it a collector.

          • Commander Admiral Chief

            You could knit a unique sweater COLLECTION

    • oVg

      This one

      • Hammersteyn

        Your male organ? No don’t!

        • oVg

          My GOD organ

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            • You don’t know what he’s saying, do you 0_O

            • Alien Emperor Trevor

              That implies I’d have to listen to him. :/

            • WOW!

    • Jan Prins

      Skull with Teeth. Hmmmm. Think I will keep mine.

      • Alien Emperor Trevor

        I’ve got a few I can spare…

    • Greylingad[CNFRMD]

      Take my liver!! I’ll put in a sports car air filter from Midas, nothing could go wrong…

    • Commander Admiral Chief

      I need a 3D printer, gonna print me some kidneys!

    • Unavengedavo

      The scalp is by far the easiest to hide while transporting, just shave your head clean and then wear the donor scalp as a wig… uh… Not that I would know anything about that

      • Alien Emperor Trevor

        I hide the kidneys in a steak pie. I mean, a friend does.

        • Unavengedavo

          But it’s no use if it’s cooked. Unless you are providing it to cannibals or you are pulling a Sweeny Todd O_o

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            No one looks that closely at a steak & kidney pie.

        • HvR

          At South African airport the custom official will probably confiscate for inspection over lunch break.

    • How about a soul? I have some lying around here that i don’t need…

      • Alien Emperor Trevor

        Oh, you on a diet?

        • Looks are on the inside!

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            Faces taste like chicken!

            • What have you been doing?!

            • Unavengedavo

              Bath Salts? O_o

    • konfab

      Pint of Blood: $337

      And I am donating this stuff 0___________o

    • *checks browser*

      Ok… This is not a tor browser… Why does it feel like I’ve stumbled across the dark web here????

    • Deceased

      Soooo @Darryn_Bonthuys:disqus

      Where can I find these black-market people you speak of?
      And on a totally unrelated note – when are you planning on sleeping again?

    • HairyEwok

      Pint of blood price isn’t too bad….. at least you can get blood back.

    • ElimiNathan

      How is a kidney worth more than a heart. LOL

    • Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)

      What… no price for testicles?

      • VampyreSquirrel

        I doubt you’ll EVER find a pair of “slightly used” testicles XD

        • Jim Lenoir (Banana Jim)

          Man beans for sale: Previously Owned!

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