Six gaming-themed Olympics events that didn’t make the cut this year

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Myself and Geoff, happen to know nothing about sports, But dammit, we still want to see some gamer representation at the Olympics this year! We tried our best though, to get some new, exciting events to make a debut, but the Olympics committee wasn’t interested in our bribes. I mean, we even offered them a new copy of GT5 to play, but they weren’t interested!

Several thousand Rands later, some massive delays at Heathrow and one scary incident at customs, and we’re back, with little to nothing to show for our efforts. Had we been successful though, the Olympics would have been infinitely more watchable, thanks to these new events:

Synchronised Shrill Screaming

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While playing a game online, have you ever though to yourself, “Man this little turd on the other end of the team-speak has one heckuva of a high voice!”. Yep, me too, all the time. For this event, the rules are simple:

  • Players will engage in a round of Call of Duty Modern Warfare.
  • Each competitor will be told to tell the rest of the participants that they may only use one specific weapon for this map.
  • Each opposing competitor however, will be given a different weapon to insist on being used in that map.
  • Headsets are mandatory, and will be turned up to max volume for the duration of the match.
  • Points will be awarded for whoever reaches a certain decibel level amidst the screeching.
  • Bonus points will be awarded for any bleeding that their voice happens to induce in their opponents.
  • The last competitor to remove their headset shall be declared the winner.

The Tri-Clickathon

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We put our index fingers through some absolutely brutal exercise, during a regular bout of PC gaming. Not everyone can handle that stress though, with their limp wrists succumbing to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, but for those brave online warriors out there, that massive callous on your finger is an adamantium-strong badge of honour. And in the Tri-Clickathon, it’ll be put to the ultimate test, in the following events:

  • Heat One: Endurance event using Team Fortress 2, where players are only allowed a modified machine gun that is on semi-automatic firing mode only, while players are given extra health points as well.
  • Heat Two: Players will then start a game of Diablo 3, from scratch, on Inferno, with a hardcore character. Whoever gets the furthest, or manages to slay Diablo first will qualify for the final event.
  • Heat Three: Qualifying players will engage in an endless survival mode match of Arkham City on the toughest difficulty against a never-ending horde of thugs. The final survivor, will win the Tri-Clickathon.
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Thumbs of War

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True story, I can never beat my father at arm-wrestling, due to the fact that his insane, daily labour muscles have cheat codes flowing through his veins. But the one thing that I can beat him at, despite the fact that his digits are twice the size of mine, is thumb-wrestling. Console gaming has resulted in us developing strong, durable thumbs, with the speed and agility of Bravestarr. Time to see who’s the best though.

  • All competitors are required to have neatly trimmed nails, because using long nails to distract an opponent with pain while gripping their hands is illegal.
  • All matches will take place on a regulation arm-wrestling table, with both hands tied together.
  • All matches shall begin with the prerequisite chant of “One, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war…”.
  • Matches shall be a best of three event.

Controller Hurling

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We’ve all been there before. We’ve played a game that was so difficult, so frustrating, that it made us hurl our controllers in disgust. So why not make that an actual event? Here’s the low-down, on how the Throw-down will commence.

  • All competitors will use a standard Xbox 360 or PS3 controller, although these will be considered separate classes for the event.
  • Players may choose any game to get their rage worked up, although copies of Bloodforge, GI Joe: Rise of Cobra, Brink, Ninja Gaiden 3 and Neverdead will also be available.
  • Players will need to throw their controller towards a LCD television.
  • Points are awarded for making contact with the television.
  • Bonus points are awarded for damaging, breaking and knocking over the television.
  • The competitor highest points tally at the end of the event shall be declared the winner.
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Video game cord untangling

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Is that a wild Tangela? Nope, it’s a mess of video game cords. The bane of any gaming existence, a mess of those power cables, controller wires and headset extensions makes for one time-consuming ordeal. And also one great competition.

  • Competitors will be assembled, and each handed a bundle of chords that are equal in length, weight and knottitude.
  • At the sound of the lightgun being fired, competitors will then engage to untangle all the cords.
  • Each item untangled, must be placed separately from the others, for the judges to inspect.
  • Whoever can untangle their ball of cords the fastest, will be declared the winner.

The 100 Meter holding of the bladder

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Ever wished that some times, you could just pause the action and go drain the ol’ bladder? Not every game has that thoughtful function added to their stunning cinematics or addictive gameplay, resulting in some amusing positioning of the legs, in order to survive long enough to finish off a title and rush to the loo. But what if it happened to be a contest, at an Olympic level?

  • Competitor will all be lined up, and instructed to sit in a chair. In front of each of them, is a private cubicle, exactly one meters away, containing a toilet.
  • Each competitor will then be instructed to down a 2 litre bo
    ttle of water.
  • Competitors will then be subjected to a brand new Square Enix produced cinematic, which stars various Final Fantasy characters as they battle monstrous toilets, sentient waterfalls and evil flowing streams of river.
  • Crossing of legs will be allowed, as will foot-tapping and sitting upside down.
  • Each competitor that abandons their seat to run to the toilet, will be ejected from the event.
  • Chariots of Fire will play every time a competitor runs to the toilet.
  • The last man/woman sitting, shall be the victor.

Last Updated: July 31, 2012

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia’s M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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