The Hit List – Top 5 ways that games dicked with software pirates

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Patchy-the-Pirate

For as long as there have been games, there have been video game pirates. The software swashbucklers have long been a thorn in the side of many a publisher and developer, forcing such companies to resort to some creative methods of enforcing digital copyright protection. And uPlay, the bane of any customer who actually bought a game. Still, with the Sims 4 taking a unique approach to enforcing their right to free and fair trade,w e decided to take a look at five other innovative methods of keeping pirates away from playing popular game over the ages.

In case you can’t watch the video above (For R9.95 per month, I’ll hobble your IT department and unlock the proxies), these are the games we’re discussing today:

  • Zak McKracken and the Alien Mindbenders – Software piracy jail
  • Michael Jackson: The Experience – Lord Of The Flies
  • GTA IV – Wibble wobble
  • Crysis Warhead – Chicken!
  • Serious Sam 3 – The unstoppable pink scorpion of death

I don’t think there’ll ever be a reason to justify video game piracy. Not ever. I understand that some games feel like a gamble these days, and that not everyone can afford to throw down several hundred Randelas on a new title. And if that’s the case, then don’t. Take a chance when the game is on sale. Be patient. Find a pal who bought the game and experience it there. Rent it from a video store. But don’t steal it.

Because who knows what methods developers will go to, especially when they get ticked off, of dealing with a thief and his ass? I’m telling you, one of these days we’re going to experience a fatality…

Last Updated: September 8, 2014

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia’s M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

  • The Adventures of JJ

    Where can I deposit my R9.95?

    • Admiral Chief Assassin

      Gavin’s fund?

      • The Adventures of JJ

        Well, last time I got a tent. Which is way more than what I bargained on. 😉

  • The Adventures of JJ

    I think Uplay created more pirates than it dispelled.

    • Hammersteyn
      • Sir Rants A Lot: On Pandora

        yoh GG

      • Sageville

        PK 101.

      • Norm

        FANTASTIC!

      • Admiral Chief Assassin

        Hehehe, how long did you save this gif for?

        • Hammersteyn

          4EVA!

      • Haha! I love how it’s actually the dude sitting next to him! Violence never pays kids…

      • Anon A Mouse

        Why the need to take off his shirt though?

        • Hammersteyn

          Because if the other guy gets up to fight he’s shirt could get ripped? That’s what I would do.

          • Anon A Mouse

            If the other guy stood up after that PK he’s doing it wrong.

          • Hammersteyn

            LOL agreed

        • The Adventures of JJ

          He’s too sexy for his shirt?

    • UltimateNinjaPandaDudeGuy

      Well I don’t use uPlay, but I have Watchdogs……. 😀

      • The Adventures of JJ

        Hehe. My point exactly.

  • PERSONA 5!!!! (Umar)

    This is actually by far my favorite one.

    A freaking fairy pops up and tells you you’re playing a pirated version…I mean, that’s worse than being exposed in RL. Being exposed by a fairy is sure to make any man cringe.

  • Mossel

    I fell victim to that wibble wobble of GTA4 back in the day. Man was I bleak when I finally managed to crack the game (not easy) only to find it is unplayable!

  • Hammersteyn

    I think the Sim character in the beginning might have diarrhea

  • Hammersteyn

    My favourite part is where the pirates complain on the forums about a in game “bug”

    • Sir Rants A Lot: On Pandora

      The funniest part is when it’s a legit user who managed to trigger said bug with a legit copy. It happens all the time lol

      • Hammersteyn

        O_o wow

        • Sir Rants A Lot: On Pandora

          happened to me once. It was devastating and no one would help me because I was a pirate. Couldn’t even return the bloody game. I can’t remember the game though. So couldn’t have been such a great loss

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            Both Far Cry & Vampire Bloodlines wouldn’t run on my PC because according to their copy protection the fact that I had my original game disks in a DVD-writer meant that I was a pirate. Thank goodness for no-CD patches.

          • Skyblue

            Amen. Too often I would just patch my brand new game to get away from all the disk swapping.

          • Brady miaau

            Or cause I lost disk 1 disk out of 4 and cannot play that portion, even though all the content is on the HDD. Knights of the old Repblic, I think of you!!!!!! Lost play disk, had to buy off steam again

          • HvR

            Happened to me as well with one of the Wing Commanders; luckily early enough so that I could return the game as damaged out of the box.

            From then on out I copied play discs for use and stored originals on the shelf.

      • Brady miaau

        Yeah, Battle for Middle Earth. All my chars died when I had CDROM X installed, unplug it and game would work.

        • Sir Rants A Lot: On Pandora

          ah yes. I had multiple games that wouldn’t work due to having a dvd writer installed. even just vcd software installed was enough for many games not to work

          • Brady miaau

            Yip, at the time I did server software installation, so I had (year 2000) several virtual machines and stuff like that so I could test work stuff in peace. Games did not like ISO file mounting stuff, not at all!

  • Sir Rants A Lot: On Pandora

    Pfff. Why would I pay you? I AM the IT department

    • Admiral Chief Assassin

      *spoken in Dredd Stallone voice*

      I AM…..THE IT!

      DROP…..YOUR FIREWALL!

      THESE INTERNETS…..ARE OPEN…..TO ALL

  • Admiral Chief Assassin

    Hot Shots reference FTW!

  • Michael

    For the life of me I can’t figure out why people pirate PC games. Wait for the next steam sale if you don’t have $50

    • Admiral Chief Assassin

      I’m thinking of pirating EA games, installing them, and then never playing them!

      • Michael

        hahahahaha

    • Brady miaau

      Early 90’s, there was no such thing as Steam and when I was at school, games were passed around like hotcakes

      • Michael

        Same here, these days it is so much easier picking a game up in a special than in the 90’s. plus back then there was no budget for games either.

        • Brady miaau

          Yeah, age 13, R20 a month pocket money, a movie was R9.

          • Michael

            Bit older than you, R9 used to get us a movie, popcorn and coke. Those where the days.

          • Brady miaau

            I think perhaps it was movie,, coke and stuff too. All I knew was my friends did not have pocket money, i.e. no real budgeting. I could see max two movies a month, if worked out like that. That was the benchmark for my pocket money.

            1990 -ish, about.

    • geelslang

      Its free, fast, easy and they dont have to wait.

  • Brady miaau

    For me the, viewer? Hug hug, kiss, kiss.

    Right, thats me scarred

  • I liked how Batman dealt with the piracy, think they made it so that you couldn’t make a jump but it was so unobvious they ended up raging and outing themselves. LOL

    • The Adventures of JJ

      That’s excellent.

    • Brady miaau

      quick google search. Comments are interesting

      • Sir Rants A Lot: On Pandora

        Wow. Those comments

  • Willem Swanepoel

    Didnt they do the same thing with Dark Souls ? If you pirated the game it spawns an impossible boss to kill or something 😉

    • Sir Rants A Lot: On Pandora

      I think that featured bugged out. Every player I speak to has the same issue. They all bought the game legit

  • Pieter Smal

    Do you remember the Pirate screen from Rayman 2?

    • Sir Rants A Lot: On Pandora

      How would you know huh? 😛

      • Pieter Smal

        Rayman 2 is a golden oldie – which I was in the mood to play. I could not BUY the game anymore – so I had to “download” it.

        The loss of old favourite games is rather tragic. Too many of them are only available on Piratebay – shame on me or shame on the publisher? Will Steam/Origin sell these old games in the future? A games library? I can only dream on.

        In my defence, however, I buy games. I am not a pirate – unless it is so old you cannot buy it anywhere.

  • J_Joestar

    List is Missing “Cross Days”

  • Mark Sake

    And Half Life 2 with its out of date node graphs eish… have to love Far Cry though… lent my original to a buddy who returned it with a barely noticeable scratch that made it fail the securom test… lovely, so I burned it… vowed to NEVER buy a Ubisoft game again and downloaded a version that umm works sigh 🙁

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