If you want your horror movie to really be a cult classic, then you’re going to need a memorable monster. Think Freddy Krueger, Jigsaw, Jason and Kirsten Dunst. Now those are creatures that’ll haunt your dreams for years to come.
And then you get these rejects, which were found by scraping a barrel bottom beneath another barrel.
Sometimes, it ain’t easy being an actor in Hollywood. Success, fame and being so detached from reality that showering in champagne is seen as as normal start to the day for you, is the kind of lifestyle that takes a toll on the mind of the average actor. And then there’s Gary Busey, who is to Hollywood what Ozzy Osborne was to music.
Busey stars as, wait for it, a serial killer by the name of Millard Findlemeyer. Inevitably, things go awry and Findlemeyer finds his evil spirit stuck in the doughy form of a calorie killer. Now on it’s own, a Gingerbread man is easily stopped, but when fused with the demonic energy of Gary Busey, all the milk in the world won’t save you from this home industries homicidal maniac.
What is Blood Freak? Well, a while back mommy did something nasty with a chicken and then nine months later…Actually that’s a lie, but it’s a helluva lot better than the reason behind this Colonel Sanders nightmare, a 90% man-junkie with the head of a turkey craving the groovy blood of fellow Mary Janers.
Watch how he uses the strength of an average man to incapacitate his victims. Behold his pecking power. Witness how he poops where he pleases! BLOOD FREAK!
Nope, that’s not a photo of Kervyn naked and wearing a space helmet. That, is Ro-Man! Destroyer of all life on Earth except for eight people, which doesn’t look good on a resume, Ro-Man is most likely the number one reason why Phil Tucker’s Robot Monster is considered to be one of the worst movies ever. After all, there is no possible way that a fat guy in a gorilla suit could be topped as the worst monster ever.
I stand corrected. Patton Oswalt once went on a famous rant about Death Bed: The bed that eats people, but nothing can actually prepare you for the horror of a motel matress with digestive juices under the covers. Death Bed is essentially the Jiu Jutsu of movie monsters. Fall on top of it, and you’re dead.
Frosty the snowman is a childhood song that will warm your heart and give Micheal Keaton a few extra royalty bucks every year. Jack Frost is kind of like that as well, except less painful, so terribly bad that it’s actually brilliant and filled with special effects that will make you question your own existence. It might also be the reason why adult shops now stock carrots.
There’s bad, and then there’s the kind of bad that can only be whipped up by Hollywood executives high on all kinds of drugs while using their office interns as racing horses. The worst thing though about Tabonga the killer tree stump? The lazy bark doesn’t even get his stumps dirty, preferring to chuck victims who somehow failed to escape his lumbering presence into quicksand pits.
And honestly, if you can’t outrun a Greenpeace poster, then you deserve whatever happens to you.
Leatherface is a frighteningly simple monster. He’s a massive maniac with a chainsaw, and if you find yourself on the wrong end of his lumberjack tool, remmeber to run away and barricade your safety hole with conveniently placed pieces of wood. But Leatherface as a shrieking drag queen in a next generation version of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Kill me now, and make it quick.
The only thing more terrifying than a land-shark with Japanese animated porn abilities, is the CGI that powered this monstrosity onto land. Half shark, half octopus and all suck. Sharktopus!
Ever wondered what happens to a Muppet when it’s not working on Seasame street or a movie sequel? It gets bit parts in bad horror movies, judging by this photo of the Cookie Monster swapping his biscuit addiction for weed. According to actor Antony Carbone, the cast “really had to do some deep concentration in order not to laugh when we saw it.” You telling me that a monster with ping pong balls for eyes ain’t horrifying? What a strange world we live in.
OH LERD! KILL IT WITH FIRE BEFORE IT TEACHES US MORE HUMBLE LESSONS ABOUT LIFE!
Last Updated: July 25, 2013