Borderlands 3 – Weapon loot boxes, ranked

There’s a whole galaxy out there to explore in Borderlands 3, one filled with danger, exotic alien ruins and most importantly a billion guns of varying quality. From classic shotguns to Tediore SMGs that can sprout legs and chase after opponents while uttering pure patriotism before they explode, the hunt for guns is the driving force behind everything in this game.

Guns which are kept in many a storage container across the cosmos. Now I don’t know about you guys, but hearing the whirring of locking mechanisms, the coil of a spring and the click of a latch springing open is music to my ears. ASMR at its finest, a relaxing collection of sounds that make me feel at ease and peaceful before I grab a shiny new revolver and use it to make heads explode across all of creation.

Naturally, as an expert in nonsense and last minute features pulled out from the colossal singularity that is my butt, I decided to grab all the lootable containers and rank them according to a set of criteria that only makes sense to me. Disagree? Well tough luck, why don’t you go start your own award-losing blog and write your own list. DEMOCRACRY IS NOT FOR THE PEOPLE HERE!

One more quick note: The bandit toilets don’t count. They’re not loot chests, they’re poop chests.

Dahl supply chest

Someone has to start at the bottom, and it might as well be Dahl. It’s not a bad loot chest by any stretch of the margin, but with a mere expulsion of hydraulic gas from its servos and a single tray of goodies to pick and choose from, it pales in comparison to the heavyweights on this list. Dahling I told you once, I told you twice, you have to do better.

Jakobs weapon chest

Points for effort, because in an age where people can hop between planets there’s something special about a storage container that is meant to evoke a classic feel. On the other hand, that’s all this collection of wood and steel has, its door flinging open with hardly any real excitement. Boring.

Eridian weapons coffin

Jakobs may love wood (teeheehee), but the ancient Eridian race sure did have a fondness for stone! We’re getting to the good stuff here, as these chests hidden within the vaults are centuries-old collections of weapons, their granite shelves scraping against one another like an orgy on Ria as sultry Kronan rub their marbled flesh together in a dance of passion and oh hey look at the time moving on…

Jakobs weapon chest

We’re at the big leagues now of weapons storage now! There’s something special about a Jakobs weapon chest, old world charm meets modern engineering with a dash of audio bliss. That jumble of locks and doodads, all colliding together to reveal some disappointing death-dealers is just too good. Heck, these chests may be more valuable than the contents held within.

Maliwan weapons crate

Fancy! The bleeding edge of design and development in the Borderlands universe, Maliwan aren’t content to just leave a weapons stash lying around. Instead, they’re ready to flex their technological superiority with a device that teleports weapons directly to you, once you activate it and marvel at the sleek aerodynamic plates splitting apart to reveal the contents within. Sexy stuff that.

Atlas weapons chest

I love these caches way too much. They’re ordinary as far as chests go, but the sheer volume of locks, all whirring about and jolting free of their restraints as they pop open to reveal the treasure within is just pristine over-engineering that puts a smile on my face every time.

Eridian big weapons tomb

If the Eridian chest above is fun to gawk at, then its bigger brother is a marvel of wacky space-alien magic. Impossible to understand and possibly a case of too much not being enough, these bigger chests are hypnotic attractions which operate like an animated Mobius drawing. Where it begins and where it ends is anyone’s guess, but it’s well worth a fight against a colossal Vault guardian to get your mitts on one of these beauties.

Bandit red chest

They’re spiky, massive and you’ll probably get tetanus from them but just look at this steampunk beauty. They’re an explosion of weapons when opened, but the chest itself might be proof that Bandits actually have culture. What when they’re not crafting meat bicycles and starting blood feuds. BLOOOOOD FEEEEEEEEEUUUUUUUUUUD!

Jakobs musical weapons chest

If Jakobs is a fan of handcrafted products, then this chest is their finest work. It’s pure poetry, a luxurious and ostentatious storage container that is filled not only with guns, but class. Guns rest on soft velvet, every lock is made by hand and before you can even peer inside you have to listen to a hand-cranked jingle that reinforces the Jakobs brand. If it wasn’t perfect for storing the finest of weapons inside of, it’d probably make a killer couch as well.

Golden chest

Just…just look at it. This insane cache for the deadliest guns, nestled away in a corner of Sanctuary. A skull so overt it would make the Punisher jealous, a crafted look that combines big-ass locks with the sturdiest of woods and the sexiest of metal inlay finishes to create an altar to guns. The golden chest is meant to be the creme de la creme of dreams and glory, the ultimate prize at the end of a meat rainbow in a galaxy that wants you dead.

It delivers on that promise, exploding with golden light as it scatters the best guns in all of Borderlands 3 at your feet. It’s like gambling for guns essentially, each light, vibration and sound tickling that lizard part of your brain that makes you tell a blackjack dealer to hit you with another card when you’re on 21. And that’s why the Golden chest, in all of its limited glory, is the best damn repository for mayhem, that there ever could be.

Last Updated: October 9, 2019