![Austin[3]](http://media.criticalhit.net/2017/01/Austin3.gif "Austin[3]")
Conan! What is best in life?
Crush your enemies! See them driven before you! Hear the lamentations of their women…And maybe having a massive dong.
Wait what?
Nothing. Nothing at all…
Games these days allow for all manner of customisation, but Conan: Exiles may have upped the stakes lately. Because yes, yes you can check the size of your endowment before you wreck yourself. Thanks to a handy endowment slider in the game, players now have the opportunity to adjust their manhood from Earthworm Jim through to Gleaming Love Sword size if the fancy strikes them.
I’m not going to embed the tweets from Chris Livingston here (Thanks for the imagery PC Gamer), but I will link his Goo Bazooka tweets here for you if you happen to be in an office which has a rule against looking at digital versions of heat-seeking moisture missiles. So prepare yourself for some very NSFW imagery:
And it gets even better. Smack V on your keyboard in Conan: Exiles, and you can enable a vanity mode which allows you to ogle your freshly engorged tower of power from all manner of various angles. Because this is the best use of the Unreal Engine 4 possible. Conan: Exiles is in Early Access right now, as numerous players roam the Hyperborean lands seeking fame and fortune in a land that is unforgiving and hostile. With their trouser titans proudly on display of course.
Because that is very much what is best in life.
Last Updated: January 31, 2017
PoisonedBelial
January 31, 2017 at 12:05
Those gifs…
MY EYES!!!
PurplePariah
January 31, 2017 at 12:06
You looked?
LOL!!!!!
PoisonedBelial
January 31, 2017 at 12:07
It’s like car crash, you just can’t help looking.
PurplePariah
January 31, 2017 at 12:09
I didn’t look. Where’s your self control? In your pan… Oh wait.
PoisonedBelial
January 31, 2017 at 12:09
XD
PurplePariah
January 31, 2017 at 12:05
You must’ve had a lot of ‘fun’ coming up with all those puns.
PoisonedBelial
January 31, 2017 at 12:07
He may be a-dick-ted to them XD
PurplePariah
January 31, 2017 at 12:08
Um. This is what good puns look like:
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/c333abe812a2336d3c608e72282d12d3ce207d69656dfc1fa5eadf2945e21f90.png
Try it some time. 🙂
PoisonedBelial
January 31, 2017 at 12:09
NEVER!!
Ottokie
January 31, 2017 at 12:24
The links don’t work 😛
Admiral Chief
January 31, 2017 at 12:37
xD
PurplePariah
January 31, 2017 at 12:44
XD
VampyreSquirrel
January 31, 2017 at 13:21
Are you being a dick-tator about how to pun?
PurplePariah
January 31, 2017 at 13:24
Yes. Because the penis mightier than the sword.
The D
January 31, 2017 at 12:08
You should see what didn’t make it through the final edit.
PurplePariah
January 31, 2017 at 12:09
Why isn’t this site rated R? XD
Lu
January 31, 2017 at 12:38
CriticalHit got the D
Johann
January 31, 2017 at 12:06
Long Slong Silver, I guarantee you someone will call their character that.
Admiral Chief
January 31, 2017 at 12:11
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1c11b79d05c5d70bc463085e027ea22f19c6fa34d59dc8ed85ecd89946cd2a75.jpg
PurplePariah
January 31, 2017 at 12:12
That image is a phallicy.
Admiral Chief
January 31, 2017 at 12:13
I’m waiting for a certain Nana to show up and comment about it. So far, no luck.
Lets hope he comes (hehe) soon
Matthew Holliday
January 31, 2017 at 14:30
The bait is set, just gotta wait for him to bite.
Admiral Chief
January 31, 2017 at 12:12
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/77b67eea8a70b2c995c9979e2117f1b1ce3712e5eb94b874f0644def4067e512.jpg
Admiral Chief
January 31, 2017 at 12:13
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/1146409e696ce8d3246b2cf092dbaeae09aaf6e29390864460ddc534d2f7cf0f.gif?w=800&h=227
Ottokie
January 31, 2017 at 12:21
http://www.reactiongifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/thats-a-penis.gif
Mistake Not...
January 31, 2017 at 12:23
insta-buy
Dutch Matrix
January 31, 2017 at 12:23
If you could ogle digital boobs then I think they would have a license to print money.
Dutch Matrix
January 31, 2017 at 12:24
50 Shades Of Conan?
Dutch Matrix
January 31, 2017 at 12:28
Marauder 1 “Conan! Don’t be a dick!”
Marauder 2: “You just had to say it…”
Marauder 1: “What?!”
Marauder 2: “Wait for it…”
Conan: “Vait! Get to the Keyboard! Press V! I go Commando! You see Conan’s Junior and the Tvins!”
TitaniumTeddyBear
January 31, 2017 at 12:30
You know what? They should put frikking hitboxes on those things, so everyone can learn the hard way why humans evolved to have penii that are only large when they’re ERECT, not all the damn time :p
Dutch Matrix
January 31, 2017 at 12:31
Ahem! Speak for yourself! My wife call’s mine Doomspear!
TitaniumTeddyBear
January 31, 2017 at 12:33
I’m not saying there aren’t exceptions, I’m saying it’s the way humans as a whole have evolved. Frikking google it :p
And I’m also saying that we really don’t want to be running around a wild landscape with our wangs out, if they’re gonna be flopping all over the place.
Thorn bushes, and feral cats.
That’s all I’m saying.
Admiral Chief
January 31, 2017 at 12:37
Gas powered?
xD
Lu
January 31, 2017 at 12:40
They should also allow you club small animals with them!
Matthew Holliday
January 31, 2017 at 14:31
3x damage modifier for all dong hits?
Admiral Chief
January 31, 2017 at 12:38
http://i.imgur.com/uqY3IE2.gif
Original Heretic
January 31, 2017 at 13:00
Grabthar’s Hammer?!? Bwahahahahaha! I’ll never be able to watch Galaxy Quest the same, ever again!
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e161280d796121822f193fdd40a9427175bc1d46ff3b9ab52e9a67100ddad78e.jpg
Alien Emperor Trevor
January 31, 2017 at 13:30
Can’t open a single website these days without being bombarded by phallic news.