Home Gaming The terrifyingly true tale of how an Xbox One chat headset drove me to madness

The terrifyingly true tale of how an Xbox One chat headset drove me to madness

2 min read
26

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Right listen here: I love the Xbox One controller. It’s fantastic, shaped perfectly and the various rumble motors are perfectly aligned to my nipples and my fingers. Yes. Fingers. A fantastic wonderful piece of technology, except for one glaring problem: That f***ing port to slot a headset adapter into. It’s the bane of my life, a back-breaking miniature terminal that is the Moriarty to my Holmes. Joker to my Batman. John Oliver to my Donald Trump.

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Right now, I’m currently on my third Xbox One controller in 18 months. That’s two controllers that I’ve broken, in tragic instances where I actually lost all reason and went berserk because of that damned headset. How? I’m not even sure myself. All I know, is that at one point, the world went red and I was left staring at some shattered technology.

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Much like the remains of my Xbox One chat headset however, I have pieced together memories of what went down. Look, it all comes down to this little bastard tag-team:

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For some reason, I could never get the two to align with each other. It was excruciating fumbling, much like your first time after your Matric farewell dance. And try as I might, I just couldn’t insert them into place. There comes a time, when you feel that fever. That sickness, the rage and the powerlessness, that turns a good man…cruel.

Or in my case, it got to the point where I got so fed up after an hour of trying to jack my damn headset in, that I went full-Hulk and bashed the input device in using the side of my desk. Which may have been a mistake. Because while I finally did get my headset in, it was at the expense of the electronics inside of the controller. Lesson learnt. Twice.

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Flub deux was the breaking point for me. A lesson of stupidity, that cost me R900 just so that I could go buy yet another new controller with the new 3.5mm audio jack which has so far proven to be Darryn-proof. So far. The headset itself is pretty much a write-off, after I tried to send it back to the tenth circle of damnation by creating an impromptu hellmouth portal from Christmas decorations:

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Which then led to the controller suffering a tragic fate that involved a moment of rage and an axe:

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I’m also genuinely hoping, that the third time is the charm.

THE END……?

fREDDY-D

Last Updated: March 17, 2016

26 Comments

  1. So… can you play Crysis?

    Reply

  2. konfab

    March 17, 2016 at 15:10

    Article of the week 😀

    Reply

  3. miaau

    March 17, 2016 at 15:12

    I dunno. I plugged it in. Went, ok cool. how boring. And now it sits, unplugged, in a cupboard.

    How did you struggle so much?

    Reply

    • Geoffrey Tim

      March 17, 2016 at 15:13

      I ASK THIS ALWAYS. he has broken two. TWO! HOW?
      BUT…
      HOWWWWWWWWW?

      Reply

      • Alien Emperor Trevor

        March 17, 2016 at 15:14

        Maybe it’s not the headset he deserves, but the headset he needs?

        Reply

      • Pariah

        March 17, 2016 at 15:17

        @disqus_YCIicGKzx5:disqus speaks like this. All the time. When dealing with people of lesser intellect. So all the time.

        Reply

      • miaau

        March 17, 2016 at 15:17

        My two year old has tossed the Xbox Controller around the room. Tiled floor in TV room. Still works perfectly well.

        Also, we try keep it out of hands as far as possible. Like we do everything. Parents say, awwww, sweet, my child is clever. But then have to, at home, cope with ingenious little one using all sorts of things as makeshift ladders and so forth to climb up. Our dining room has 0 chairs, our study door is locked. She is not strong enough to move the couches, in either lounge or TV room, but that is coming too.

        Reply

      • Admiral Chief [BFTS]

        March 17, 2016 at 15:28

        He should be an EXPERT and putting tiny things in holes

        Reply

  4. Ottokie vs the forces of Evil

    March 17, 2016 at 15:13

    • Alien Emperor Trevor

      March 17, 2016 at 15:15

      • Ottokie vs the forces of Evil

        March 17, 2016 at 15:17

        That’s totally justified. Printers are the biggest evil of all hardware

        Reply

        • miaau

          March 17, 2016 at 15:18

          If you struggle with the printer, ask the finance people. They know to make a printer work, cause at month end they MUST print.

          Reply

  5. Fox1 - Retro

    March 17, 2016 at 15:15

    They’ve integrated it the audio port into the new controller but you’ll stuff that up too 😛 /jk

    Reply

    • miaau

      March 17, 2016 at 15:18

      Nice Avatar.

      Reply

      • Fox1 - Retro

        March 17, 2016 at 15:22

        Thanks! I’ve been on the site for 9 years or so now so I find it fitting 😛

        Reply

  6. Dynamite Kieron

    March 17, 2016 at 15:26

    But did you try an american screwdriver?

    Reply

    • Admiral Chief [BFTS]

      March 17, 2016 at 15:30

      He should try the Binford 6100 screwdriver

      Reply

      • Dynamite Kieron

        March 17, 2016 at 15:42

        Its TOOL TIME!!!!

        Reply

        • miaau

          March 17, 2016 at 16:17

          tool time, plural, right?

          Reply

        • Admiral Chief [BFTS]

          March 18, 2016 at 07:29

          HAHAHA someone got it!

          Reply

  7. Dynamite Kieron

    March 17, 2016 at 15:26

  8. Admiral Chief [BFTS]

    March 17, 2016 at 15:29

    This needs a video Darryn

    Reply

  9. BakedBagel

    March 17, 2016 at 17:46

    So basically what you are saying is, you have difficulty finding the hole.

    Shame bro you know 4/5 males dont know how to find the hole either.

    One like = One prayer

    Reply

  10. Warren K Smith

    March 18, 2016 at 08:20

    Dude! I feel you!
    I had the same experience with two chat headsets.
    It drove me insane! To the point where I bought the full Xbone headphones.
    Problem solved… I thought.
    I DON’T F*&^#ing think so!
    Turns out the headset adapter is the Spawn of Satan and damaged my controllers. BOTH of them.
    So after many hours of speaking to three Irishmen at Xbox support (What is up with that? Getting through to Ireland when phoning from SA?) I finally got them to replace ONE controller. Yay for the 1 year warranty!
    I picked up the replacement controller at some dodgy store in Edenvale. The store was wedged between a motor dealership and a Sangoma’s practice.
    I have never been so nervous to insert on piece of hardware into another…
    What if it STILL didn’t work?
    What if I had to call Ireland again?
    What if Connor or Sean were off that day, and I had to speak to someone new? *(by now I was on first name terms with Xbox support)
    Thankfully it worked.
    And I was tempted to superglue the chat adapter to the controller for fear of it not working again in a week.

    Reply

    • The D

      March 18, 2016 at 08:23

      ONE OF US! ONE OF US!

      Reply

  11. Dane

    March 18, 2016 at 13:32

    Noob

    Reply

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