So it seems unlikely that you missed the furore as it kind of took over the Internet for most of this week, but the world finally got its first look at what the new Sonic The Hedgehog movie was going to look like. And I think there was a unanimous decision from basically everyone: It looks bad. From the directing to the writing, I doubt very many people were impressed with the Blue Speedster’s first live-action flick.
Beyond all of those complaints though, there was one specific thing that stood out in front of everything else, waving a flag smeared with rodent poo and taunting the audience to stare it straight in the eye without wincing in fear:
Sonic’s. Damn. Teeth.
Above and beyond the weird eyes and long yet muscular legs plastered onto the bottom half of a fuzzy Ken doll, the addition of human teeth inside the mouth of something that’s clearly not human is a…well, it’s a choice, isn’t it? I can only hope the plot of the movie is gonna have a painstakingly tortious scene of Sonic having his teeth removed by Jim Carrey’s Eggman aka Dr Robotnik only to be replaced by a white gum-guard, providing us with the faux-teeth we deserved. Hell, part of me was envisioning Eggman not being an evil scientist, but rather a dentist looking to right the sins of hideous hedgehog teeth.
Which got me to the idea that Eggman would be a pretty good dentist. With all the robots and contraptions constantly swirling around his be-goggled brain, Dr Eggman would probably be an incredibly trained dentist. He’s already a doctor, so that’s what, like 80% of the job already done? He loves torture, he’s got a good moustache and he’s already wearing gloves.
This was a bad idea for a Friday Debate, I’ve already won.
Anyway, which videogame character do you think would be a good dentist? I will be marking your answers out of ten, so best have good responses waiting in the wings.
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Critical Hit as an organisation.
Last Updated: May 3, 2019
The Big Bad Wolf
May 3, 2019 at 11:52
The Medic from TF2.
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 12:12
4/10. Nice effort, could be expanded on.
Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer
May 3, 2019 at 12:21
OR the Pyro huehuehue
He’ll be all daydreaming of picking sweet candies from a basket but IRL he is pulling out teeth with maniacal tendencies
PoisonedBelial
May 3, 2019 at 11:52
Father Gascoigne.
Who needs a drill when you have a fuck off big axe?
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 12:12
7/10. A true statement and unexpected, but he’s also very grimy is the thing.
Pariah
May 3, 2019 at 12:02
Rusty from Steamworld Dig. Because he can do a proper sterilization of his entire body + the drill before he gets to work.
Also he’d have a good supply of gold for gold teeth. You could even ask for shiny gemstone teeth if you like, and come out looking like a modern rapper from hell. If that’s your thing. Sonic just needs the tattoos.
Geoffrey Tim
May 3, 2019 at 12:02
I adore Steamworld Dig. 2 is especially amazing.
Pariah
May 3, 2019 at 12:02
Yeah it’s surprisingly deep.
Geoffrey Tim
May 3, 2019 at 12:12
OH YOU
Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer
May 3, 2019 at 12:20
HAH
Raptor Rants
May 3, 2019 at 14:34
LOL LOL LOL
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 12:12
9/10. Good job, I’m proud of you.
Geoffrey Tim
May 3, 2019 at 12:02
Shao Kahn.
Pariah
May 3, 2019 at 12:02
haha, I can just hear him going “FINISH HIM” just as he adds the filling.
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 12:12
8/10. Creative and unexpected. Good job.
WhiteRock
May 3, 2019 at 12:02
This guy – Immortan Joe: https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/aed7c5125623c36aaa042c075919fa6e3c5f17705fc83022ad283a1dfd058bb3.jpg
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 12:12
2/10. Immortan Joe is a movie character. While the enthusiasm is good, and he does have some badass teeth, I had to deduct marks.
HvR
May 3, 2019 at 12:02
There is only one proper dentist in the video game world.
Trevor
HvR
May 3, 2019 at 12:12
https://66.media.tumblr.com/fed7ae8bf3573bff466eba4dc83cf29c/tumblr_mvuxrmhvkY1s3qv2qo8_250.gif
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 12:12
6/10. A good answer, but could use some refinement.
Kromas
May 3, 2019 at 12:12
Mario. He is also already a Doctor.
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 12:12
10/10. Great job, you chose correctly.
Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer
May 3, 2019 at 12:12
The eye-machine-thing from Dead Space
HvR
May 3, 2019 at 12:12
He said dentist not ophthalmologist
Also fuck you for making me think of that scene
Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer
May 3, 2019 at 12:12
I know.
My work here is done in any case
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 12:12
1/10. Please see me after class.
Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer
May 3, 2019 at 12:20
How about I give you a 10/10 PK?
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 12:29
I’ll have to call your parents in.
Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer
May 3, 2019 at 12:29
You have a necromancy degree?
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 12:38
Surprisingly, yes.
Raptor Rants
May 3, 2019 at 14:16
Please hold this umbrella
SagatatiaRZA
May 3, 2019 at 14:34
Sub-Zero: freeze for anesthesia, he has a mask on already, can make a filling with an ice blast and with the right fatality can pull off a killer root canal.
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 14:44
8/10. Solid and creative reasoning.
Caveshen Rajman
May 3, 2019 at 12:46
Mileena?
Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer
May 3, 2019 at 12:46
…as the poster girl for what happens if you DON’T go to the dentist
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 13:24
5/10. Look, I trust her precision but I’m not taking anything she recommends.
Magoo
May 3, 2019 at 12:56
The dentist from Dentist Simulator. Which is you. You are the best dentist.
Original Heretic
May 3, 2019 at 13:34
That dude from Metal Gear Revengeance. Such precise blade work.
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 14:44
7/10. Precise sword work is key, but I don’t know if I’d want a dentist with a metal jaw.
Raptor Rants
May 3, 2019 at 14:16
Scorpion. Got the drill like thingy chain and everything
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 14:56
5/10. The drill chain could be useful, but I don’t want a burned tongue either.
Raptor Rants
May 3, 2019 at 18:31
lol
Raptor Rants
May 3, 2019 at 14:16
https://media1.giphy.com/media/HSdjSjfv84uZ2/giphy.gif
Dresden
May 3, 2019 at 14:56
Precision! Perfection!
Gareth Lagesse (eXCheez)
May 3, 2019 at 14:34
Bioshock’s Big Daddy. Really, is there anyone else?
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 14:44
4/10. Just because they have drills, doesn’t mean they have a diploma.
Dresden
May 3, 2019 at 12:29
If we’re being serious, I would obviously say Mercy from Overwatch. She’s qualified, has a ton of experience and I can think of worse things to look at while having my teeth fixed.
For the lols, definitely the Raging Badass Goliath from Borderlands. That would be one hell of a dentists appointment!
Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer
May 3, 2019 at 12:38
Starcraft 2 Medic…
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 12:46
10/10 for Mercy. 10/10 for Raging Badass Goliath. Top of the class.
Magoo
May 3, 2019 at 12:56
The dentist from Dentist Simulator. Which is you. You are the best dentist.
Admiral Chief Flammenwerfer
May 3, 2019 at 13:05
HAH
Brad Lang
May 3, 2019 at 14:44
9/10 for believing in yourself.
konfab
May 3, 2019 at 19:02
Geralt of Rivia.
Man hasn’t found a cavity that he hasn’t been able to fill.
And with that comment I am now permabanned. 🙁