I was originally going to throw my hat into the ring and discuss difficulty in games this week, but it’s become such an overwrought, thoroughly covered topic in the last few days that it feels like pissing against the wind. Instead – on this dark, rainy and gloomy day (at least here in Johannesburg), I’m going to go with something light and fluffy and completely pointless.
Yesterday I tweeted out my opinions on one of South Africa’s favourite tea-time treats, the venerable, beloved Zoo Biscuit.
” Zoo biscuits are plain, boring-ass biscuits covered in a terrible icing that tastes like soap, with an indistinguishable white scribble on them. Cancel that shit. Don’t @ me. “
They are, to my mind, an abomination that nobody who can tie their own shoelaces should be eating. They’re horrible bits of soapy confection over a bland bit of biscuit, with the same nutritional value as eating raw sugar. When I shared this opinion of what has to be one of the worst commercially available snacks in the whole of South Africa, many took umbrage, telling me in no uncertain terms that my opinion was not just wrong, but that I, as a person, am of little worth to society.
I just can’t fathom it though. Why would any sane, rational grown human eat something that tastes like sugary washing up liquid when there are perfectly respectable things like Eat-Sum-Mors and Tennis Biscuits to be had? so you tell me. Why do you enjoy these things if you
The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Critical Hit as an organisation.
Last Updated: April 5, 2019
Caveshen Rajman
April 5, 2019 at 12:00
This might just be the most true thing I’ve seen on the site.
Alien Emperor Trevor
April 5, 2019 at 12:00
You need to git gud. Zoo biscuits are the Dark Souls of biscuits.
Captain JJ
April 5, 2019 at 13:17
So if you take the hard top off the biscuit does that mean you can make the biscuit more accessible to others?
BradeLunner
April 5, 2019 at 12:00
I really don’t agree with you, because there are other reasons we love this biscuit (they were aspirational, looked cool, all the well to do kids had them before my parents would fork out over this silly looking biscuit) but hot damn if you didn’t nail this line and give me cause for pause : sugary washing up liquid
Kervyn Cloete
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
Eat Sum Mors uber alles!
Geoffrey Tim
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
NOW THAT’S A BISCUIT
Pariah
April 5, 2019 at 13:01
If you’re going mainstream, sure. But it’s cheap shortbread. Real shortbread is so much better. Give me the Woolworths stuff any day. I’ll pay the extra, it’s worth it.
The Big Bad Wolf
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
You mean a digestive without any kind of taste?
Kervyn Cloete
April 5, 2019 at 12:32
Look, everybody is entitled to their opinion. Even grossly wrong ones like yours.
MaSeKind
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
I once puked after eating a whole box of Eat Sum Mors so I haven’t touched the things in years
HairyEwok
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
Screw that, meemaw biscuits uber alles!
HvR
April 5, 2019 at 13:01
Only the Bakers ones.
Shortbread should ALWAYS be made with real butter
MaSeKind
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
TAKE THAT BACK SIR!
Zoo Biscuits are the shit (okay possible they ARE shit, I’ve been too afraid to ask.)
And just because of this I’m going to go buy myself a pack and eat it all by myself
Geoffrey Tim
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
ENJOY DIABETES
The Big Bad Wolf
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
Zoo Biscuits are excellent. They may cost the Earth now, but they are still relevant and delicious.
justlikemo
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
I don’t know, my kids like em, so I buy mostly for them. If you kids don’t like it, buy somethin else.
Geoffrey Tim
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
Have you considered getting new kids? I dunno, maybe trading them in or something.
justlikemo
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
lol, you can have mine, I have 5 to trade
Gavin Mannion
April 5, 2019 at 14:38
… dude buy a TV or something
justlikemo
April 5, 2019 at 14:38
Married my high school sweetheart, and neighbor, surprisingly, got married young, had lots of kids. Its sall gud
Gavin Mannion
April 5, 2019 at 14:53
I married my high school sweetheart, got married really young, had 2 kids.. because I like money
kieker
April 5, 2019 at 15:12
RinceThis
April 5, 2019 at 15:33
loooooooooooooooooooooool
Geoffrey Tim
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
I have three of my own, and thankfully they don’t like Zoo biscuits or I may have sold them already.
justlikemo
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
I take em shoppin, they choose, they happy, I’m simple I like Tuc
Kervyn Cloete
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
As somebody who has had years of experience at being a kid, I can confidently tell you that most kids will like anything with copious amounts of sugar.
justlikemo
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
sugar n wifi 😛
Yahtzee
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
Get this and marshmallow eggs off the shelves
Guz
April 5, 2019 at 13:18
Those cheap Easter bunny statues that taste like they were made with baking chocolate
Geoffrey Tim
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
ESPECIALLY the beacon ones. Those things are disgusting
MaSeKind
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
Not as bad as the Woolworths ones. And I should know, I ate a whole box of them by myself.
Yahtzee
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
Since we are talking beacon, throw 5 Star out as well
Geoffrey Tim
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
That’s Cadbury, you cad – but I agree. BRING BACK TEMPO
Yahtzee
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
whoops
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 12:32
Tempo >>>>>>>>> alles
Guz
April 5, 2019 at 13:17
I’d like to give the person who decided to cancel them a smack up side the head
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 13:18
I’d like to force that person to eat 5 star for breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, supper for a full year
Allykhat
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
YESSSS…. Tempo was the bizniz
G8crasha
April 5, 2019 at 14:21
Woolies eggs all the way for me!
Tracy Benson
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
I remember once, when I was a kid, I ate so many Zoo biscuits my tongue started to bleed. No biscuit should be able to do that.
MaSeKind
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
Only once? I’m sure that still happened the last time I ate them. I can’t help it, it’s just nice licking of the top
Original Heretic
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
Zoo biscuits carry Ebola?!
kieker
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
Jolly jammers, strawberry whirls, oreo, boudoir, eet sum more or gtfo. I’ll eat one zoo biscuit, then be like, okay, I’ve had enough. Either that, or my teeth broke during the process.
MaSeKind
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
I’m with you except for the Oreos. Never really liked them. Also not sure why I love Boudoir biscuits so much. There’s not a lot about them to love.
kieker
April 5, 2019 at 12:31
I can’t remember when last I had just plain oreo though, I just usually like them in a mcflurry or as those big-ass cookie ice-cream things that I can’t remember the name of. Also need to get some boudoir again. It’s been many years since i last had those
HvR
April 5, 2019 at 12:16
Oreos are overrated though.
Now the Cape Cookie’s Double Delight is freaking awesome.
Like Romany Creams on steroids with real chocolate.
https://www.capecookies.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/500g-Double-Delight1.jpg
Geoffrey Tim
April 5, 2019 at 12:31
Their “romeo” ones – ie Romany creams – are also the business.
HvR
April 5, 2019 at 12:31
And Muesli Yogurt if you are in the mood for something not as sweet
kieker
April 5, 2019 at 12:31
okay, you lost me here XD to each their own I suppose
Geoffrey Tim
April 5, 2019 at 12:31
Yeah, I’m out too. https://media0.giphy.com/media/g69ZPJfLy7hD2/giphy.gif
HvR
April 5, 2019 at 12:31
I’m actually not “yogurt flavoured” anything fan. But those cookies are nom nom nom.
Yogurt icing is almost like a sweet cream cheese type flavour
EDIT:
Stay away from their choc chip cookies, very flavourless
kieker
April 5, 2019 at 12:31
hmm, this looks delicious. I forgot about romany creams, and lemon creams. they are very good. But will try these for sure _m/
Kervyn Cloete
April 5, 2019 at 12:45
I drive past their factory on the way home every day. Often the traffic is backed up right at that spot so I have to sit there for a few minutes while the smell of the biscuits baking permeates the entirety of my car’s cabin. It is the most delicious torture you can think of.
HvR
April 5, 2019 at 12:46
Same, that is when I actually go into the office.
Smell of cookies does have calming effect though stop me from getting out of the car and releasing road rage unto the Milnertonnites who are still trying to figure out how merging lanes work.
PoisonedBelial
April 5, 2019 at 18:39
WE KNOW HOW LANES MERGE!!
Guz
April 5, 2019 at 13:02
I need these in my life!
Captain JJ
April 5, 2019 at 13:02
Yea, Oreos are super overrated.
Viper_ZA
April 5, 2019 at 13:33
So trying this, looks gooooooood
Pariah
April 5, 2019 at 13:33
They really are. Good texture, good flavour.
schitsophrenic-toothbrush
April 5, 2019 at 16:14
This guy knows his biscuits!!!!
MaSeKind
April 5, 2019 at 12:31
We’ve got these at the office. They don’t last long
Quentin Huggett
April 5, 2019 at 13:33
boudoir… lol wtf
this is why wars are started
Generic ZA
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
The Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animal Biscuits is not amused … ?
Original Heretic
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
I recently discovered Merba cookies.
My god, those things are amazing!
Gardos
April 5, 2019 at 12:32
You sir are a shining beacon of hope in this dark and twisted world of Zoo Biscuit lovers. Thank you!
HvR
April 5, 2019 at 12:32
Zoo biscuits are like Air wolf.
I have great memories of it in the 80’s but every time I tried either of them after 2000 the nostalgia was completely ruined in 2.64 seconds.
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 12:32
Quite true
RinceThis
April 5, 2019 at 12:32
They are designed to cull the soft kids from the hard. They serve a purpose!
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 12:32
Gaan kak jy
HvR
April 5, 2019 at 12:32
On the cookie subject. Tried Tim Tams for the first time last month because they were on special and there is no f…. way I’m paying full price of like R90 for a pack of cookies.
What an underwhelming experience; not bad just very meh.
Kervyn Cloete
April 5, 2019 at 12:32
THANK YOU! Been saying this for ages! They’re just super sweet chocolate. That’s all!
Gavin Mannion
April 5, 2019 at 12:46
Tim Tams are crap, overly sugared cakes parading as food
Pariah
April 5, 2019 at 13:02
Tim Tams are great if you do the Tim Tam slam. I like them now and then, but only really the dark chocolate or caramel ones.
The D
April 5, 2019 at 12:32
R90? They’re R40 at Checkers.
HvR
April 5, 2019 at 12:32
Still too much
Magoo
April 5, 2019 at 12:46
More like POO biscuits amirite?!
hashtag #fitting in
Pariah
April 5, 2019 at 12:46
Shortbread biscuits are the only true biscuits. I didn’t even know Zoo biscuits still existed, if I’m honest. They were always pretty meh. You are not alone in your thoughts.
Guz
April 5, 2019 at 13:02
They taste kak! End of story!
Captain JJ
April 5, 2019 at 13:02
Right there with you Geoff
Quentin Huggett
April 5, 2019 at 13:02
This is zoo biscuit’ist…
Worst biscuits are the finger biscuits boudoir… bleh
Kenn Gibson
April 5, 2019 at 13:17
Anything except Boudior biscuits. Those things are nasty.
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 13:17
They used to be great, then, went off the market, came back as cardboard
G8crasha
April 5, 2019 at 13:47
When I think Boudoir biscuits, I think slimy sticks that have been in a baby’s mouth for too long.
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 14:03
AGNEEFOKKENSIESAMAN
Sk3tz0
April 5, 2019 at 13:18
If you past the age of 12 and still eating Zoo Biscuits, time to get a job and move out of your parents spare bedroom.. Biscuits are for Children and Grandmothers..
G8crasha
April 5, 2019 at 14:03
Royal Creams are like biscuits from Heaven for me! Zoo Biscuits I agree are an abomination. I hate all the crumbly icing. It tastes like the icing from those cheap cakes you buy.
Geoffrey Tim
April 5, 2019 at 14:04
Those almond flavoured ones? MY man.
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 14:04
That the new name for romany creams? Loved those
G8crasha
April 5, 2019 at 14:21
Nope. Romany Creams are different to Royal Creams.
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/7a0bbc1b095455957a242fe2c3d408e16552a244034fe49c4450af8dc8add813.jpg
G8crasha
April 5, 2019 at 14:21
I just raided my company’s kitchen and found a pack! I am a happy man today! F*ck being pre-diabetic
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 14:21
Actually, my favourite are custard biscuits (vla-koekies)
My mom used to make those herself. Two halves, inner ‘icing’ was melted white chocolate. Let that sucker set. Good grief man, I used to stuff my face with those.
And even prior to that. THE DOUGH MAN, THE DOUGH!!!! NECTAR OF THE COOKIE DEITIES
justlikemo
April 5, 2019 at 14:21
Custard, the best man, you must come home when the wife makes. Then you’ll be like MINE Precious
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 14:21
But isn’t she YOUR precious?
justlikemo
April 5, 2019 at 15:13
she is, until she takes my cookies
R1ker
April 5, 2019 at 14:39
You sir have my up vote. My mom used to make these as well. They were awesome. She still makes it but my kids will ransack the whole tin. If it lasts 2 days then it is a record
R1ker
April 5, 2019 at 14:53
I can’t remember the last time i had these to be honest. I had a very sweet tooth when i was a kid but must have lost it somewhere. I prefer salty snacks rather – like salty cracks
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 14:54
You like salty cracks???? Weird fetish, but ok
I prefer salticrax
R1ker
April 5, 2019 at 15:13
lol – sorry – could not remember what was written on the box xD
Craig "Crios" Boonzaier
April 5, 2019 at 14:53
Everybody seems to be forgetting the real winner here https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/e5afef8c3abf7a85706673ceaec3e3e10837be3d5922182d06a1d4e645d3b992.jpg
Savatar
April 5, 2019 at 15:33
Zoo biscuits are awesone. They don’t taste like soap at all. Your palette is clearly limited
Llama In The Rift
April 5, 2019 at 15:34
I actually prefer home made cookies….not keen on the shop bought biscuits except an Oreo or Choc-Kit here and there..its like you can taste the factory in those biscuits..home made cookies taste like love, appreciation and effort.
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 15:53
True dat
Gavin Mannion
April 5, 2019 at 12:00
Zoo biscuits are an abomination that should be hurled into the sun, along with anyone who likes them
Craig "Crios" Boonzaier
April 5, 2019 at 12:00
They used to be legit back in the 90’s.
Now, however, I agree with you.
The quality is absolute shit and the animals look more like roadkill.
At least roadkill has more nutritional value.
SagatatiaRZA
April 5, 2019 at 12:14
Opinions and arguments around flavor (like the pineapple on pizza argument) are absolutely worthless because taste preference is down to the individual, through biology, heritage and even childhood. Tl;Dr your opinion on the matter could be controlled by the friggen spacing of your taste buds.
But I think they are okay. Like havinghavi every few months maybe. I’d much rather stuff my face with strawberry swirls.
Geoffrey Tim
April 5, 2019 at 12:14
Pictured: A Zoo biscuit https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/9e4448c889eb6d909f4d555f3530afe34caffd3a8ea955da6011821b7e19c52d.jpg
MaSeKind
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
Haha okay this is pretty good
HairyEwok
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
I would eat that, its herbal and aromatic.
Viper_ZA
April 5, 2019 at 13:33
https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/3d52ab4f32a0718ed2db086b31ac725ade2e517f503328b37a0b0bfaf7c4d413.jpg
Spathi
April 5, 2019 at 13:02
is it bad that your picture of a Zoo cookie has a better drawing of an animal than actual Zoo cookies?
Geoffrey Tim
April 5, 2019 at 13:33
Yes. Yes it is.
Allykhat
April 5, 2019 at 12:15
Double Stuffed Oreos is where its at…
G8crasha
April 5, 2019 at 14:21
I tried Oreos and milk, and I’m sorry, but I don’t get the enjoyment of this combination!
Alessandro Barbosa
April 5, 2019 at 12:31
I quit
Captain JJ
April 5, 2019 at 13:17
Maybe that’s his plan
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 12:32
Strawberry swirls yo
G8crasha
April 5, 2019 at 14:03
You have my upvote!
Kervyn Cloete
April 5, 2019 at 12:32
https://media3.giphy.com/media/3oEdv6sy3ulljPMGdy/giphy.gif
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 12:45
I try to….acquire…one of those assorted ‘trays’ they have for VIP meetings here at the office, and keep it in my drawer. The Strawberry Swirls git in muh belleh first
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 13:02
Biltong >>> biscuits
Captain JJ
April 5, 2019 at 13:02
This is like saying you like sitting more than you like the colour pink.
Yahtzee
April 5, 2019 at 13:17
Thats a tough one…
Captain JJ
April 5, 2019 at 13:17
We’re having a biscuit discussion and Admiral throws in red meat…
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 13:17
Both are snacks, I see the relevance. I like a biscuit, but I don’t get up in arms about it. I prefer red meat
Captain JJ
April 5, 2019 at 13:18
red meat always wins
Yahtzee
April 5, 2019 at 13:18
Unless Trevor is close
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 13:18
Then everybody loses
Pariah
April 5, 2019 at 13:33
Except Vegetarians.
Vegans lose by default though.There’s a limit.
Captain JJ
April 5, 2019 at 13:17
And I know you prefer pink over sitting because you could always just lie down and appreciate your pink Warframe.
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 13:17
[has flashbacks of pink Nova]
G8crasha
April 5, 2019 at 13:47
Biltong biscuits! Popcorn and chocolate eaten together is the shit, you think it would be the same for biltong and biscuits, or is that a sacrilegious statement?
Admiral Chief
April 5, 2019 at 14:03
I’ll try this, FOR SCIENCE
Viper_ZA
April 5, 2019 at 13:33
Rice Krispie Marshmallow “biscuits” anyone? 😛
WyvernCT
April 5, 2019 at 14:03
That is even more evil than zoo biscuits, everyone knows you make Rice Krispie treats with dates and brown sugar!
Brenz
April 5, 2019 at 14:39
As a child, zoo biscuits were awesome, as an adult, not so much.
If you as an adult find an issue with zoo biscuits, then the problem is that they are not actually intended for your consumption.
I dont go online and complain that purity baby food is gross, because im not a baby anymore and I am not the target market.
Yondaime
April 5, 2019 at 14:54
I agree, I had a Zoo biscuit once & I don’t remember finishing it…never put one in my mouth again