Let’s face facts: Every great movie is eventually going to be remade. Hell, even the bad ones are going into reboot territory. Top of that list? Fresh rumours that Titanic will go headfirst into iceberg territory once again. James Cameron’s classic film and the number one reason for bleeding ears thanks to that godawful Celine Dion song will most likely get the biggest of remake budgets, seeing as how the first film did massively well, while the 3D re-release added even more coin to the coffers.
Here’s who we’d like to see direct that floating disaster.
You know what the worst thing about Titanic was? Well, besides that song from She-Who-Warbles-And-Shall-Not-Be-Named. And also besides the fact that Jack could totally have fitted on that wooden panel next to Rose. The worst thing about Titanic is that anybody who’s glanced at a history text book over the last few decades knows exactly how it’s going to end. Predictability is sies.That’s why I think we need to bring in the greatest twist-artist of the modern age (well, 1999 to 2002) to spice this sucker up a bit. Ladies and gentlemen, my pick: M. Night Shaka Zulu (Sorry, site running gag rules force to never write his name correctly).
M. Night SHAZAM! has always been a stronger director than a writer, but here both those skills could be put to use with great effect, as this one-trick pony does his singular act of equestrian prestidigitation, and pulls the rug out from under filmgoers in the final act.
Jack faked his own death so he could avoid a needy relationship? Rose never loved Jack but just manipulated him to get the Heart of the Ocean for herself without having to marry Cal? There actually wasn’t an iceberg at all, it was all the trees’ doing? M. Night Shakira Shakira’s plot-twisting genius would know no bounds!
Arguing about how unnecessary this remake is, is besides the point. I’ve already seen the best version of whatever kind of tale that James Cameron was trying to tell while bitch-slapping accurate history in the face with his ocean-obsessed penis. Now I want to see an exciting version of the film, which will most likely use more CGI than a Tupac hologram for the reboot. So give me Michael Bay as my director.
Kervyn was joking that I would go with this choice. It’s scary how well he actually knows me. I don’t want a romantic story. I want a goddamn battle for the ages where shoddy engineering loses to an iceberg that may or may not have ulterior motives. I want period-era one piece costume sunbathing while the camera slowly tilts into a dutch angle as too much detail is poured through a high-definition lens. I was bored as hell during the first Titanic movie. I don’t intend making that same mistake twice, and would rather see Jack sink to his forzen death as an Aerosmith tune plays over the visual background of a sinking ship.
If I’m going to sit through this drek yet again, at least give me something to gawk at.
Isn’t it obvious? The world deserves a Baz Luhrmann interpretation of Titanic. Throwing in a role-reversal spanner, Jennifer Lawrence is the free-spirited artist girl who befriends the shy Michael Cera (showing off his singing chops) while being unwillingly engaged to the battleaxe Mila Kunis. Jack Black plays the old man who helps out Lawrence and Beyonce replaces the Titanic’s band, singing from the tip of its bow as the ship sinks, which doubles as the theme song for the film. There will be fireworks.
Wow, talk about dredging up bad memories. I remember sitting in the cinema with my ex, thinking to myself that being single is the best option and that no one should have to sit through a movie of such epic proportions for this thing called ‘love’. Alas, I did. Moving swiftly to the topic at hand though, I would demand that any remake of the sinking ship include a talking iceberg. I want to know its motivation for the sinking. Was it angry at its frigid state? Did it harbour ill will to the boat for arrogantly sailing through the sea? Or did it just want to cause chaos?
Either way I think Leonard Nimoy would do a sterling job as the iceberg’s voice. As for the other roles I’d mix things up .Kate Winslet’s character would be played by the ‘Rock’ and Leonardo’s by Ellen Degeneres. I think this role reversal would work played against the evil machinations of Woody Allen, who’s character would be motivated purely by his need to be heard. All of this would be directed by Alfonso Cuarón, who would shoot the entire film in one shot.
There, put that in your pipe and smoke it!
Last Updated: March 11, 2014