Guys, we have to talk. You love films, and I bet you have quite a few classic experiences in DVD form. But they’re going to get remade eventually, as Hollywood scrapes the bottom of the barrel for q quick buck. Here’s a list of ten films that probably will get that treatment. And here’s how they’ll play out.
The original:When the world is in danger, who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters! Balancing strange science with blue-collar attitudes, Ghostbusters proved that you don’t need to be afraid of no ghosts when you have a paranormal extermination group on call 24 hours a day.
The pitch: Prepare for an all new team of Ghostbusters, as we finally stretched Dan Akroyd’s patience too far and signed him up for a quick cameo instead! The proton packs have been redesigned to feature unnecessary vents and fancier lights in order to screw the cosplay community forever, while Slimer gets an expanded role because we need to shift some merchandise! Coming this summer, in 3D!
The original: Often dubbed one of the greatest movies of all time, Citizen Kane tells the tale of Charles Foster Kane, a wealthy newspaper publisher who dies and leaves a nation wondering as to what his final words meant. Told through flashbacks, Kane’s life story unfolds, and reveals how not even money can buy you true happiness.
The pitch: Desperate to finally get an Oscar, Jim Carrey stars in the remake of Citizen Kane which is littered with subtle messages warning parents not to vaccinate their children, before the film eventually bows under intense pressure and transforms in pure anti-Kane, resulting in it being ejected from this universe.
The original: Mel Gibson leads a ragtag band of Scots in an epic attempt to win back independence for Scotland and right several injustices from the past, as England begins to realise that they may have woken a sleeping dragon by abusing their power for centuries. Love, massive battles and patriotism on a grand scale in this Oscar-winning movie.
The pitch: Russel Brand leads a ragtag band of who’s available Scottish comedians to tell the British that Scotland is totally going to start a revolution any minute now and that he doesn’t believe in King Edward I, and that his revolution is totally going to be off the wall and stuff and just you wait, just you wait.
Smokey and the Bandit
The original: Burt Reynolds is a fast-talking ladies man in a Pontiac Trans-Am, Jerry Reed is the blue collar trucker with a dog named Fred. Together, they’ve got mere hours to wina bet and deliver a truckload of bootleg beer across state lines, while Jackie Gleason goes after them in hot pursuit as Sherriff Buford T Justice. Laughs! Speed! Beer! This film came only second to Star Wars in the 1970s!
The pitch: The Rock is a fast Texas driver with a dangerous past, who agrees to take on one final job to bootleg new age health drinks across state lines, keeping the attention of his partner Snowman, played by Johnny Knoxville. But he’s going to have to drive fast, because Nicolas Cage is in a high speed pursuit and is driving very angrily and dammit is there no role on Earth that Nicolas Cage will ever turn down?
The original: Britain’s greatest slapstick comedic troupe made audiences split their sides for years,a s Sid James led his group through dozens of films bearing the infamous Carry On logo. Whether it’s Tiddles discovering why the Scottish guard was so feared in India or your nurse turning out to be a medical dude in disguise, Carry On had something up its sleeve in every single film.
The pitch: Leftover comedians and people that were forgotten about once they left the Big Brother house unite to remake several Carry On skits that crap all over the classics, by not introducing a shred of originality or decency into films that will never, ever manage to live up to the originals before a barrage of Twitter hate shuts down any chance of success.
All dogs go to heaven
The original: A dark and cruel tale, All dogs go to heaven was nevertheless filled with charm and heart, as one incorrigible pooch learnt to put himself before others or suffer the wrath of dog hell and holy crap this movie must have scarred children back in the day.
The pitch: Stripping anything religious out of the remake, the latest All Dogs go somewhere film is rendered in cutting edge CGI that is completely unnecessary, while a comedic duo of some sort is hired to voice Charlie and Itchy. Maybe those guys from Key and Peele, they’re pretty funny. Childhood memories are crapped on like a park tree, while various Chinese and Eastern European animation companies turn a quick buck by releasing mockbusters that are far more damaging than the original film.
Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
The original: Johnny Depp, Benecio Del Toro and a suitcase full of drugs hit Las Vegas just in time for a weekend of debauchery that makes no sense whatsoever, as director Terry Gilliam finally trips the light fantastic and somehow manages to convince a studio to fund his madness, resulting in a movie with lizard people that was freakin’ awesome.
The pitch: Not content to have not made any money from the original film whatsoever, Tim Burton decides to remake Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, and casts Johnny Depp as Johnny Depp as Hunter S Thompson, with Helena Bonham Carter as Doctor Gonzo. And a ton of that creepy Gothic CGI that was left over from Beetlejuice 2, because this will all somehow make sense to him and he’s going to be richer than ever.
The original: Zucker, Zucker and Abrams revolutionised slapstick comedy in 1980 with Airplane!, as well as introduced the world to the perfect deadpan delivery of Leslie Nielsen. An airplane in trouble, an old lady who talks jive and an autopilot system that requires plenty of pumping. If you were working air traffic control that day, then you would have picked a helluva day to give up smoking/drinking/sniffing glue.
The pitch: Not content with ruining the genre completely, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer return to wreak havoc on the classic film, with a final cut so revolting and reprehensible that Leslie Nielsen begins spinning in his own grave at a rate that starts a tunnel towards a China. Lame jokes, the budget of a high school play and writing lazier than a twist in a soap opera do nothing to stop people from still attending the film, making Seltzer and Friedberg more money than ever.
Leprechaun in Space
The original: A Leprechaun in space…with terrible jokes and a budget that was spent on keeping the majority of the cast coked up. It doesn’t get more direct to video than this turkey.
The pitch: While WWE is still working on getting their resident Irish-themed midget in a remake of the first film, they’d never go so far as to remake this classic, would they? WRONG! With an even lousier budget and actors who have no choice but to make a quick buck by starring in this train wreck, Hornswoggle once again dons the Leprechaun make-up and I just give up at this point.
A Clockwork Orange
The original: The future, or thereabouts. Crime is on the rise, and various gangs stalk the streets of London, robbing, beating and raping to their heart’s content. Enter one radical new system of behaviour modification, tested on one Alex DeLarge, who manages to rehabilitate and become a proper member of society. It’s just a pity that all his victims aren’t in a forgiving mood at all once they discover that he has been released from jail…
The pitch: Justin Bieber stars as the new leader of the Droogs, a rough and tumble fella who leaves his marks all over London by being super-rebellious and fighting the system, until he is eventually captured and why do you have a gun Kervyn I’m sorry I won’t write anymore of this please put it down KERVYN NO!
Last Updated: January 23, 2014