What with it being Halloween and all, we decided to talk all things scary. Apparently though, I’ve been told that there isn’t really a market to discuss Darry’s body hair, so instead we’ll be looking today at all those horror movie tropes, that for some strange reason, even after films like Scream pointed them out, are still getting used to this veROH MY SWEET LORD WHAT WAS THAT?!
Oh, wait. It’s just a spring-loaded cat.
There’s a reason why you’ll find several crazy cat ladies wandering around a Hollywood film set. Tossing a cat at your audience is cheaper than making your set dangerously unsafe and leaving the stuntmen to find this out.
Plus cats yo. Everyone knows that you can’t have a legit horror film without having a symbol of pire, fluffy evil present.
It never surprises me, how a gang of soon to be dead university students will manage to barricade themselves inside of an inescapable room, with the very substance that the homicidal killer happens to be wielding a tool for cutting through.
Honestly, you’d be better off escaping Leatherface and his chainsaw by sealing the room up with the packing plastic used to sell video game controllers than a wooden door.
Because obviously, using wooded barricades will work perfectly when you’re trying to get away from a maniac with a chainsaw.
Let’s say that Mikey Mike Myers is coming at you. In a straight line, with a machete. In plain view. And he’s menacingly lumbering closer. And as the pretty blonde girl, you happen to have a loaded gun with you, and manage to fire a round into him.
Honestly, one bullet won’t stop him. Empty the whole damn clip into his body, because like all serial killers with twisted family values, you’re only one quick peek of curiosity away from having his hand suddenly grab you and strangle the stupidity out of your frame.
Good news buxom ladies: Serial killer maniacs are actually pretty slow. Sure, they’ve got that menacing stroll down pat, but as long as you can run and get your adrenaline flowing, you’ll be able to get out of harms way.
Unless there are trees present. Because you’re about to break your ankle, and there’s not a damn thing you can do to avoid those deadly, deadly roots of doom.
If you think about it, humans are pretty much movie monsters already. We need more than one bullet to kill in most cases, and our vital spots are few and far between. In fact, some alien right now is probably telling his kids that the only way to truly kill a human is to aim for the head.
And why, when we’re confronted with a walking corpse in front of us that’s slower than a police emergency response, do we shoot anywhere but the head? This shouldn’t be common knowledge in movies. It should be instinctual dammit! KILL IT!
If you like hip hop music and have a permanent chocolatey tan, then following all your white so-called friends into that creepy cabin in the woods is probably not the best thing for your life expectancy.
Ladies, if you ever find yourself in the forest/house/secluded spot of your horny teen genes’ choosing, alone with a boy you like, then no matter how much your raging hormones might be encouraging you to do the exact opposite, make sure you keep your clothes on. Exposed perky breasts are unfortunately almost always followed by knives, chainsaws and bloody screaming death.
Downstairs Is For Sissies
When knife wielding murderers are trying to get their stab on, you know who runs out the front door, down the road and out of the path of imminent danger? Losers, that’s who. Real men/woman run upstairs with all it’s dead ends and corners you can’t escape from.
It’s a scientifically proven fact that the closer you are to being shish-kebab’d, the more difficult it is to start a car and drive away from danger
Pro-tip: When you think there maybe a monster/masked murder/sexually frustrated spectre trying to kill you, and you hear a noise in the next room, don’t ever investigate as there’s a good chance it probably is a monster/masked murder/sexually frustrated spectre trying to kill you.
Last Updated: October 31, 2013