Human beings are a strange and turbulent form of life. On the one hand, we’re capable of massively fantastic feats of engineering, building monuments to our tiny penises from gigantic steel and glass structures. Knock it down, and we’ll rebuild it. But bigger! Stronger! On the other hand, we’re also a race that delights in the misery of others, for the most random of reasons.
Whether it be Geoff’s attempts to make the entire corporate arm of a social media campaign wish that it had studied to be a lawyer instead, or fundamentalist nutbags who delight in tearing down anything that doesn’t line up with their particular ideology. And then there’s food. We’re the only species around that enjoys spicy food, something that every other biological organism on this planet avoids.
We’re also the only species that willingly submits to the pure mental abuse of Dark Souls games, because have you ever seen a Koala try and code one of those games? Long story short, they’re rubbish at it, we’re not. Anyway, the point of all this is that both seemingly random threads here are actually linked. Because for some reason, at least one UK restaurant chain is teaming up with Bandai Namco for a Dark Souls III challenge that involves hot wings.
The challenge itself is simple: Contestants line up at some place called MeatLiquor, and then have to see who’s the fastest at shoving 20 amputated chicken wings coated in the hottest sauce around, down their gullet. And then presumably clenching their knees the following morning, when all those wings initiate stage 2 of the exit burn when they’re sitting on the toilet.
The quickest devourer of poultry pandemonium wins themselves a collectors edition of Dark Souls 3, while the grand champion gets a Prestige Edition and an actual statue of the Lord of Cinder. And presumably some vaseline for the morning after. So what’s the actual link here between spicy chicken wings and Dark Souls III? Well, they’re punishing to eat. Just like the game. Get it?
Meanwhile, if it was up to me, I’d add random bits of jagged metal to each wing, to really drive that link home. Because I’m terrible like that.
Last Updated: March 22, 2016