Button Basher: I Want These Games

4 min read
0

LegoBond

Flashback HD

So many games have been raped by Hollywood and then discarded on the sidewalk, left sobbing and maybe with a buck tucked in for the cab ride. The problem is not just that people don’t know how to make movies. They also seem to choose the wrong ones, where the story was written on a napkin and then smeared on a men’s room toilet door. Think about the last game you played? How much was story and how much was killing stuff? Nothing annoys more than a long cut scene after a short gameplay session. Secretly all gamers hate stories. But we pretend we don’t, because that is the only way you can justify playing a JRPG. And even then there is no justification to play a JRPG.

But Flashback is different. Flashback was awesome. It was fresh. It was new. It had action, exotic locations, aliens, mutants, crazy old men, a functional subway system and ideas stolen from Schwarzenegger movies. So why hasn’t it been molested by the Hollywood machine yet? Because we all forgot about it.

Why, in this day and age of HD games that you can download, has nobody remade this classic? Why is it that the only modern version is on the iPad, which in controller terms sounds like porting Forza to use a DDR pad. Why? Why? Why? Don’t respond – there is no proper rebuttal other than “We’re working on it!”

Assassin’s Creed 3

Ezio is a nice guy. I like him. Running around in pre-bankrupt Italy is fun, especially once you were allowed to create your own team of female ninjas. Sure, his fellow association members are annoying – isn’t it unbelievable how at the end of AC2 they deem you worthy of joining their little club. After you killed HALF OF ROME? Seriously, guys, what have you done? With my record, I should be running the Assassins, not wet myself in joy because I got an invitation to meet a bunch of cloaked morons in some tower.

Anyway, enough already. Ezio’s relevance ended at the end of the second game. The rest was just farting around, killing people and getting rich. Like finding out what happened to the dinosaurs after the first Jurassic Park. I don’t care. What I care about is what happens next. I want Assassin’s Creed 3 and it should be in 19th century London, with pistols. Or 19th century Japan, with pistols. Or 19th century New York, with Daniel Day Lewis. And pistols. Let me go all Guy Richie in a Sherlock Holmes kind of way, but with more running and jumping. Let me blow up stuff. Let me find out how exactly I will be kicking Templar ass. And, for goodness sake, bring back the random Knights roaming the street. Enough of Italy already.

Lego Bond

This is not a working or announced title. But it should be. If I was put in charge of Traveller’s Tales, I’d be sending flowers, money and Russian prostitutes to the offices of whoever owns the Bond franchise these days. I’d court anyone with the surname of Brocolli, take them to nice restaurants and take care of bribing the cops when the party gets out of hand. I would do everything in my power to make this happen.

Why? Damnit, it’s BOND. You have six main characters, plenty of support casts, villains up the wazoo, gadgets galore, plenty of map locations and more. The hub base can be a big casino with a hidden MI5 base underneath. Seriously, this writes itself! Bonus points if they add a deathmatch mode in which all the Bonds can fight each other. The world cannot move on until we settle that argument.

Last Updated: November 11, 2011

James

A total movie glutton, nothing is too bad or too obscure to watch, unless it's something like The Human Centipede. If you enjoyed that, there is something wrong with you. But bless you anyway - even video nasties need love...

Check Also

The best comic book covers of the week – 03 September 2018

From James Bond to Paradiso, Captain America to The Dreaming of the Sandman universe, here…