Destiny The Taken King sure does have some sexy new gear and weapons

3 min read


Welcome, true believers, to another episode of Adventures in Destiny Addiction! When we last left Darryn, he was busy thrashing at his screen after losing his 14th Iron Banner match of control in a row, before he assumed a foetal position and started weeping about his rank in that event.

And that’s a common ailment in Destiny. You might have a friend who has retreated into a dark and dank corner, which is the preferred habitat for many a player after their skin has been reduced to a translucent glow that cannot handle natural sunlight.

So how do you coax them out? By letting them get a whiff of some loot from the game. Yes, nothing is better at reintroducing Destiny players to society, by trapping them in a cage with Doc D’s patented formula of Upcoming Premium-priced Expansion Gear and Guns.

With my new formula from Destiny The Taken King, you can rest assured that even the most dedicated of Thorn-wielding level 34 Hunters will be unable to resist taking a peek at what they’ll be shunning their friends and family for in September. Here’s a sample of things to come:

It’s kind of weird when you think about it. Here is a game, where I will plug untold hours of my life into attaining that loot, in a process which is essentially the pursuit of grabbing a weapon that can deal bigger numbers of damage to enemies who can resist many, many more numbers of your onslaught.

Read  Destiny 2: Forsaken is going to make future Iron Banners an easier grind

It’s a very weird philosophy that applies to just about any game, but what the hell, I’m going to fall for it again in September when Destiny The Taken King arrives. Anyway, back to the sales pitch:

Order now, and I’ll throw in a free can of deodorant. Because only the Traveller knows just how sweaty a Guardian gets after barely surviving the Prison of Elders. And if it’s good enough for Jaren Ward’s last words, it’s good enough for you! Yours, not mine!

Last Updated: July 30, 2015

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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