Your mother's ass you bugger

I’ve played a lot of games. I was there when Crackdown made me hunt for orbs. I played as the last Dante in Devil May Cry 4. I drove with titans in Project Gotham Racing 4. I unlocked the secrets of Fist of the North Star, knowledge that must never be revealed. But try as I might, I can’t not suck at a game of FIFA. because SPERTS!

 Here’s videographic proof of just how bad I am at FIFA 14. Right now, I can’t even tell which team I’m on, because I’m too busy shouting SHORYUKEN every time I try to tackle someone. And what is this offsides nonsense? And why is my goalie on the other side of the screen after half time?

THIS GAME MAKES NO SENSE?!

Last Updated: September 12, 2013

1.1
was reviewed on PC

33 Comments

  1. Lol. As years went by the game became less forgiving for noobs haha. Play on the lowest difficulty, the go slowly up. You’ll improve, but don’t play online, you’ll get ravaged.

    Reply

  2. Marc O Polo

    September 12, 2013 at 18:03

    sport games don’t really work if u don’t understand the rules… hence the reason i don’t play sports games!!!

    Reply

  3. YeahBaby

    September 12, 2013 at 18:20

    Also helps to choose home and away kits so that your players stand out from the opposing team. And pass, pass, pass that’s the key – well for FIFA 13 it was. Even better is try to create your own “Pro” and then you can play with just one player the other 10 controlled by the AI, you can demand that they pass you the ball.

    Reply

  4. oVg

    September 12, 2013 at 18:55

    and not a single vooooovuuuuzela was heard, WIN

    Reply

    • RincemySniperKittEH0-O

      September 12, 2013 at 20:13

      You mean, not a single shit was given?

      Reply

      • oVg

        September 12, 2013 at 20:18

        that

        Reply

      • That Tall Twit

        September 13, 2013 at 08:54

        Your comment makes me feel like posting this.

        Reply

        • RincemySniperKittEH0-O

          September 13, 2013 at 09:01

          YES! You win! AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

          Reply

  5. Blackhawk

    September 12, 2013 at 19:03

    Man, I wish I could hear your running commentary of “WTF?”, etc. Loved that run up the middle in the second half!

    Reply

    • oVg

      September 12, 2013 at 19:08

      that was the demo 😛

      Reply

    • Major Commodore 64 Darryn B

      September 13, 2013 at 08:55

      I actually did record a commentary track for it, but the damn Imovie app on my iPad refused to render the video with it. So I had to use the raw video instead.

      Reply

  6. SmurFyZA

    September 13, 2013 at 07:12

    The new FIFA is really tough. FIFA 13 is a joke compared to 14, so if you only started now, then I think you will struggle. Best way is to play on amateur and move your way up. Also make sure you know what side you’re on 😛

    Reply

    • James

      January 3, 2014 at 13:58

      Amateur and semi pro are so easy, but once you try the pro and world class levels then it just gets ridiculously hard..

      Reply

  7. Umar Final Fantasy 15 Hopeful

    September 13, 2013 at 07:41

    Could not stop laughing for this!! how do you make your player trip over air…AIR…..LOL Oh man this made my week

    Reply

  8. Hammersteyn

    September 13, 2013 at 07:42

    Straight red? That also doesn’t make sense. Here’s an Idea for EA. Ads during halftime. Unskippable ads that you have to watch. Muhahahhahaha!

    Reply

  9. Sargon

    September 13, 2013 at 08:04

    Lol. Lol. Lol. I’ve never seen a goal like Bale’s corner. Such bad luck.

    Reply

  10. Brady miaau

    September 13, 2013 at 08:05

    Um, how is that a red? V Kompany?

    Reply

    • Sargon

      September 13, 2013 at 08:07

      Late tackle. And game probably registered him as the final defender? Only reason I can think of, since other central was sold already. PC can make some weird calls.

      Reply

      • Brady miaau

        September 13, 2013 at 09:28

        that was my thought as well, but it still seemed a bit weird.

        Reply

        • Sargon

          September 13, 2013 at 09:51

          I understand a lot of the red cards I usually pull in FIFA. They’re always the letter of the law. I miss me them humans. Unless I’m one nil down against Man Utd and Ferdinand gets a red…

          Go ref!!!! 😉

          Reply

  11. Spathi

    September 13, 2013 at 08:10

    1:08 – Hi I’m Martin Taylor, and this is the new c$%t…?

    Reply

    • Sargon

      September 13, 2013 at 08:27

      Maaan. Smith has been around for ages!

      Reply

      • Spathi

        September 13, 2013 at 08:35

        No but what are they saying at 1:08?

        Reply

        • Knapsekerel

          September 13, 2013 at 09:05

          Camp Nou. Barcelona’s home ground. He just says Nou Camp cause its translated as new field.

          Reply

          • Sargon

            September 13, 2013 at 09:07

            Yep. This. It was a friendly, so game could be played anywhere.

          • Brady miaau

            September 13, 2013 at 09:28

            I know, but in spain?

          • Sargon

            September 13, 2013 at 09:37

            Darren already stated that he has no idea what he is doing. He probably just selected for the criteria that the stadium needed seats. 😉

          • Brady miaau

            September 13, 2013 at 10:25

            Ok, good point. I thought it was random

  12. ElimiNathan

    September 13, 2013 at 08:51

    Hahahha. This game is epic judging from the demo

    Reply

  13. Jonah Cash

    September 13, 2013 at 11:09

    Good try, not the worst I have seen…. Joe Hart screwed you with the first goal!! And the red was really a bit harsh, there was a defender coming behind Kompany…. Other than that if you practice you will get better, it really is just about putting in the hours…. But if you don’t like it then you won’t put in the hours and you will never be better…

    Reply

  14. Tero

    September 13, 2013 at 12:29

    hahahahahahaha

    Reply

  15. olie

    October 18, 2013 at 01:21

    fifa 14 is worst football game ever!!!

    Reply

  16. James

    January 3, 2014 at 14:01

    I always have the same problems. This game has the most explainable events.,,

    Reply

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