Oh to be a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree, as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The giant Redwood! The Larch! The small Scotspine! The smell of fresh-cut timber, the crash of tress, with my best girly by my side! We’d sing, sing, sing! I’M A LUMBERJACK AND THAT’S OK!
Yes sir, a lumberjack game is indeed on the way. With the barrel still full of ideas, you can prepare yourself for…a lumberjack simulator. And no, it’s not a solo mode ripped straight from a WWE match that includes a dozen man-mountains beating on one guy as if he were of the wrong sexual orientation in a seedy Russian alleyway filled with bigoted jerkasses.
Professional Lumberjack 2016 is the name of the game, and will be published by Bandai Namco on PS4, Xbox One, PC, PS3 and Wii U this November.
“In Professional Lumberjack 2016 players manage their mighty crew of cutters, create a prosperous sawmill and expand their woodland business in a realistic world ruled by the different seasons,” the press release blurb read, while also adding that: “A great lumberjack knows their Bigtooth Aspen from a Slippery Elm.
To get the job done, players must understand each tree and identify the right tool in order to gain the greatest return on their hard work in the most efficient way possible.
Other features included in the game, which I have just made up, include:
Sleep all night, work all day action
Intense buttered scones for tea action on Wednesdays
Skip and jump QTEs
Wild-flower pressing mini-games
Customise your lumberjack with women’s clothing, hang around in bars
High heels, suspendies and a bra DLC confirmed
I wish I’d been a girlie just like my dear mama challenge map included
Always remember: Once you go lumberjack, you never go lumberback.
The new God of War has been five years in the making. It’s a big change for Kratos; not only has he switched over to a new Pantheon of gods to kill, but he’s also got a son in tow. In a world with new gods and monsters, Kratos must teach his son Atreus not only to survive, but also prevent him from making the same mistakes. It’s got everything you’d expect from God of War and more – with a strong narrative, a dark world and unflinching, brutal combat. AND NOW YOU CAN WIN IT!
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