Ten better debates than GamerGate

5 min read

Master debaters

Here at Lazygamer, we know that we’re terrible journalists. Or writers. Or blobbers. Or whatever it is that you call a bunch of sub-humanoid who are paid in cardboard boxes in order to cover the news. We’ve been following GamerGate closely ever since the axe was ground into a fine dust against the likes of those damned SJWs. We’re as bored as you are with the whole brouhaha. So here are ten debates, which are way more important.

AMD vs Nvidia

ATI vs Nvidia

When it comes to graphical cards and pretty pictures on your PC, there is no middle ground. You’re either AMD or Nvidia. So who’s it going to be? Better red than dead? Or is it cooler to be green? Put your Voodoo 3000 graphics accelerator away son, because the grown-ups are talking! Now choose your graphics card and head into the Thunderdome! May the best terrafloppy thingamajig, win!

Winner: Intel for running well with both hardware labels.

Battlefield vs Call Of Duty


Every year, we get subjected to perhaps too much pew pew violence. Which is all fine and dandy, because it’s easy to avoid watching any of the FOX news coverage of the Iraq War Part 2: The Stuff-uppening. Instead, it’s better to be distracted by some video games. Like Battlefield. Or Call of Duty. But which one? One of them is barely an iterative upgrade in name and number, while the other is…uh. Well, crap. This debate could take a while longer to properly flesh out. Read the other entries while I figure this one out.

Winner: Whoever gets copyright cash every time we use the words “pew pew” in a sentence.

PlayStation 4 controller vs Xbox One controller


The PS4 controller is a hell of a lot better than the usual DUal Shock 3 hardware that accompanied the PlayStation 2 and 3. But it could be better. The Xbox One controller though, feels better, has a nice heft to it and looks stylish. But the PS4 controller has a cool touchpad. But the Xbox One controller has analogue sticks that feel like they can survive being gently pushed, unlike the PS4 sticks. But the PS4 controller has a kickass speaker. But no one uses it. But the PS4 controller also easy share functions. But the Xbox One controller has vibrating triggers that jiggle in sync with your nipples…

Winner: The makers of rubber tips for those PS4 controllers.

Doritos vs Pringles


We all know that a healthy diet is essential these days. We all know that no one has the time, money or Oprah influence to eat a dozen tiny organic meals every day, so it’s easier to stuff your face with crisps instead. So which is the best? Doritos have the power of Halo and Call Of Duty attached to them. But Pringles don’t leave your fingers covered in a fine cheesy dust. Then you have quantity vs quality, because a bag of Doritos can last you an entire week, while a tube of Pringles is easily consumed within the first ten seconds of being opened. One is cheaper, the other is expensive enough these days to require a bank loan in order to purchase. So what are you stuffing into your face lately?

Winner: Not your waistline.

Boxers vs commando gaming


I’m just sitting here, dangling, free as a bird as I play some Forza Horizon 2. Which may not have been a great idea in hindsight, as my in-laws are visiting right now.

Winner: The neighbour who is secretly filming this and selling it as fetish porn to the Germans.

Power Rangers vs VR Troopers


GO GO POWER RANGERS! WE ARE VR! In the 1990s, you were either a fan of the VR Troopers or the mighty morphin’ Power Rangers. Kids who enjoyed Beetleborgs on the other hand, could get stuffed. Right now, I’m waiting for a resurgence in VR Troopers thanks to all this VR kits on the market. Because Geoff and I do not want to go back to earning our pay by being stunt doubles for Bulk and Skull on Power Ranger episodes.

Winner: Saban Entertainment

Port Elizabeth vs East London


East London thinks it’s so great. Just because they believe in marrying out of their bloodline. Well I tell you, I won’t stand to live in a town that deprives a man of the chance to marry his cousin! Because she’s so pretty! I’m off to PE!

Winner: That priest who doesn’t ask too many questions.

Bovril vs Marmite


There is no topic more divisive in the Lazygamer office, than Bovril vs Marmite. Personally, I think that Bovril does what Marmite do if it had a pair of balls. Accordng to the others, Marmite is yeast as good today as it was fifty years ago. This is a debate, that will never ever be settled I think.

Winner: Anyone but that motherf***ing Oxo brand.

Manchester United vs Liverpool

Man U vs Liverpool

I’d write up a paragraph detailing the key pros and cons between both teams, but the contract that Gavin made me sign when I started working for him clearly states that I’m legally obligated to back Liverpool whenever I mention them. Go that team then, I guess.

Winner: Liverpool, unless you were watching TV last night.

Spider-Man vs J Jonah Jameson

JJJ and Spidey

PARKER! Look at these photos you took of that miscreant Spider-man as he stopped some muggers in a seedy alley! These clearly prove that Spider-Man was behind the recent ISIS bombings!

Winner: The Daily Bugle’s sales

Last Updated: October 23, 2014

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