Home Features We’re putting the ass back into Mass Effect, with our revolutionary new technology

We’re putting the ass back into Mass Effect, with our revolutionary new technology

3 min read
29
Miranda

These are dark times that we live in. Pollution is increasing, politics are becoming more fractured than ever before, and a virus rages out of control. Did you think life couldn’t possibly get any worse? WRONG. On Friday, the most devastating news since the untimely death of Princess Diana was unearthed: BioWare, developer of the upcoming Mass Effect Legendary Edition, was preparing to cut butts from the package.

A tragedy of the highest order, BioWare’s decision to reframe camera angles so that its vision of a grand space opera trilogy can stand on its own two feet instead of resorting to cheap sexuality is nothing but an attack on perverts everywhere. For those of us who played the original game, uncovered strange feelings in our loins, and rejoiced when Valve’s Source Filmmaker engine was used to create Rule 34 art, this was the final straw.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you spent an afternoon enjoying a decade-old key art for an upcoming game that features a female protagonist contorting her spine into an impossible pose just so that she can show off hams that saved multiple galaxies?

Miranda Butts

Miranda’s booty which could cause spontaneous werewolf transformations due to its original full moon appearance whenever she entered a room, Grunt’s thick thighs, and Mordin’s bony posterior all deserve to be seen in their glory on new consoles and in 4K. Just who does Bobby BioWare think he is, to make changes in his game that appeals to humanity’s better side? And how do I stop this?

Well I’m glad you asked! Using cutting edge science, Critical Hit has spared no expense in creating a solution to humanity’s darkest hour. Using our patented system, you can now bring the beauty of the booty back to Mass Effect with our Ass Effect add-on. Using the very finest of papyrus and adhesive materials, all you need to do is overreact to the censorship that the SJW agenda has clearly inserted into Mass Effect Legendary Edition and apply the Ass Effect add-on to the part of the screen that you desire to see get enhanced to the Gluteus maximus.

Ass-Effect

But wait, there’s more! In each package, you’ll find not only a butt that faces to the left, but also a butt that faces to the right! We’ll even throw in more butts, to suit every fetish you could possibly have! Krogan butts, Asari butts, butts wrapped up in skintight leather, and butts with scales. We’ll even include our revolutionary Ass Effect blank butt space and our ink-based butt-creation toolkit so that you can draw the lumpy butts of your dream. Go for a renegade rear or a paragon posterior, the choice is yours!

Ass-Effect-Butt-DIY

Even better, our technology is BioWare-proof. No matter how the game is patched in the future, your chosen rump-a-dump of exotic glutes cannot be removed from the game. Goddamit, you want even more? FINE. With every order, I’ll include a torremt link to my “homework” folder that collects various Mass Effect-related Rule 34 art that’s so heinous, it makes every deity under the sun weep for our species.

Ass-Effect-folder

Call now! Stocks are limited, and operators are standing by. Do we take credit cards? Butt of course!

Last Updated: February 8, 2021

29 Comments

  1. Now this is a fine ass-ample of a Darryn article.
    We need more of these!

    Reply

    • The D

      February 8, 2021 at 07:13

      Dude I’d write one every day if I could, but finding the time to do so is always a challenge!

      Reply

      • Original Heretic

        February 8, 2021 at 07:39

        Yeesh, I know what THAT’S like.
        I’m currently in book 2 of my series, only reached chapter 3. All these ideas churning, I’ve got it all planned. But I’m just not getting to it!
        After a full day of work, when I’m borderline brain-dead, I cannot still sit and give my best to it.
        So it sits in my desktop and mocks me with it’s very existence.

        Reply

        • Gr8_Balls_o_Fire

          February 9, 2021 at 02:22

          At least you got to book 2. I’m still on chapter 1, of a 20 page booklet.

          Reply

        • Gr8_Balls_o_Fire

          February 9, 2021 at 02:22

          At least you got to book 2. I’m still on chapter 1, of a 20 page booklet.

          Reply

          • Original Heretic

            February 9, 2021 at 03:22

            Hang in there! It’s never easy to really get going, but once you do, it flies.
            In my book 1, took me about 6 years to write 3 chapters. The next 17 chapters were written in 2 months!

          • Gr8_Balls_o_Fire

            February 9, 2021 at 07:49

            You sound like a Limitless episode

          • Original Heretic

            February 9, 2021 at 08:55

            Ugh, I wish I could tap into crap like that.
            You gotta bear in mind, I’ve been churning this story in my head for at least 10 years.
            I eventually got so irritated with myself that I just had to write it.
            It also helped when I started sharing it with people. If you’ve got about 10 people constantly messaging and asking “what happens next, when can I get more?”, it tends a light a fire under your ass!

          • Gr8_Balls_o_Fire

            February 10, 2021 at 03:21

            Now I’M curious! When are you gonna finish it???? 😛

          • Gr8_Balls_o_Fire

            February 10, 2021 at 03:22

            Speaking of Limitless, get a book called Limitless, by Jim Kwik. Fantastic book

  2. MaSeKind

    February 8, 2021 at 07:13

    Lol! Can I buy some of these to stick on the screen when Miranda shows up? Might make it difficult to see and play the game, but at least I’ve got some nice booties to look at.

    Reply

  3. Insomnia is fun

    February 8, 2021 at 07:17

    • HvR

      February 8, 2021 at 07:54

      Now with your post and also getting the same ad, the amount of ass on the one page is growing exponentially.

      Reply

    • HvR

      February 8, 2021 at 07:54

      Now with your post and also getting the same ad, the amount of ass on the one page is growing exponentially.

      Reply

  4. Alien Emperor Trevor

    February 8, 2021 at 07:54

    It really is false advertising. How can they call it the Legendairy Edition if there are no milkshakes to bring the boys to the yard.

    Reply

  5. cloudzn

    February 8, 2021 at 08:21

    What i find amazing is that there’s certain media outlets that condemned the booty scenes and praised it’s removal but yet was thirsting for the tall vampire lady , like wth seriously

    Reply

  6. For the Emperor!

    February 8, 2021 at 09:13

    Who first reported it? Was it someone who saw “oh dang the booty is gone”, or did they add it to their marketing?

    Reply

  7. Mandalorian Jim

    February 8, 2021 at 10:25

    There’s nothing wrong with a bit of booty….. be it a pirate’s booty yaaarrr.. or a maiden’s derriere! https://media2.giphy.com/media/aqZ35dLBN08BW/giphy.gif

    Reply

    • cloudzn

      February 9, 2021 at 01:59

      I never understood why the woke crowd got upset over it, it’s human nature to be attracted to something good looking and unlike women we actually are open about it

      Reply

      • Insomnia is fun

        February 9, 2021 at 04:01

        because it doesn’t really offend them but they get their jollies by denying the rest of the world what makes them happy.

        Reply

      • Mandalorian Jim

        February 9, 2021 at 04:20

        Have you seen the creatures that make up the woke crowd? It makes perfect sense why they’d wage a war on the aesthetics of natural beauty. They despise the fact that there are people out there that are stunning looking, and instead of merely accepting that we’re all different, we all have our talents, some of us aren’t models, while others look like they’re mutants from a 2045 nuclear war…. there are some who are blessed with beauty. Sure, it’s unfair, but sex sells, and to change that is folly. You can’t change what people like. It’s like how the Christian right wanted to tell gay people that they can become straight – if only they believed hard enough or now with the woke crowd moaning about straight people not wanting to date transfolk, and calling everyone who says “oh hell no, I’m not comfortable with that…”, transphobic. You can’t change what people prefer.

        *snap fingers* “Darling… you can’t flip the script when it suits you”

        Bioware tried to throw the most ugly and plain looking chicks at us, to counter the male gaze (in Andromeda) and yet… still want males to buy their games. Same thing with the last mortal kombat… (jesus… if you ever want to see a collection of unfortunate looking female creatures. Mortal Kombat’s women are truly vomit-inducing).

        And, just two years before they released one of the best looking fighting games in years, with absolutely stunning looking women (Injustice 2).

        But that’s the problem with developers listening to angry creatures who would rather see the world burn or for everything to look as ugly as they are on the inside and out.

        The renaissance taught us that there is an aesthetic to a fuller body, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t have sexy ladies with curves, but for the love of god, at least make them sexy. At least, realise that gaming is an art form, and you can make things visually-pleasing. You don’t have to make your characters look like the unfortunate-looking mutants that go to Shoprite at 9 in the morning with their hairrollers in their hair or still dressed in their PJs.

        Reply

        • cloudzn

          February 9, 2021 at 22:12

          When i first heard that straight men must date transwomen or they are transphobic, i thought these people just got even more crazier but i know it’s only a matter of time before it reaches here.

          As for game studio’s not making female characters not as good looking as they can that first caught my attention after the release of The Last of Us 2, couple Youtubers pointed out that Dina is modeled after a real person but in the ingame character is actually is less curvy than the real person and that it’s being done intentionally as to not offend trans people and i had too agree with it as how manly Abby looks as well.

          I noticed a common thing on Twitter is woke western artists “improving” anime by drawing them to their standards and thereby completely changing the characters looks. A good example is Uzaki Chan, they was trashing her before the anime came out just because how the character looked.

          It’s unfortunate that companies are listening to people who are not the majority but who simply make the loudest noise

          Reply

  8. Gr8_Balls_o_Fire

    February 9, 2021 at 02:27

    I think the uproar is more about how the SJW crybabies have created such an environment where these few instances of camera cuts are a scary proposition to the company that releases it.

    Have it there, don’t have it there. That has absolutely NO bearing on what made Mass Effect such a great series in the first place.

    Reply

    • Mandalorian Jim

      February 9, 2021 at 04:37

      Sometimes I wonder if many of the uproars are started on 4chan as a joke and then they see if the game journos take the bait by writing insipid and idiotic articles. On the other hand, Bioware is a dumpster fire, and they’re so far up their own arses at this point, sniffing their own colons, that it wouldn’t surprise me if they want to remove scenes featuring Miranda’s epic booty. And lord knows, it was an epic booty!

      But, honestly, I wasn’t going to get the re-release upscaled Mass Effect any ways. I loved the first two games, especially Mass Effect 2, and I’ll never forget how much fun they were (until I suffered through 3 and stopped playing Andromeda – truly a turd on a stick), but to pay R1400 for a re-release on PS5.. hahahah piss of EA. Go suck a donkey’s wang!

      Reply

      • Gr8_Balls_o_Fire

        February 9, 2021 at 07:47

        The 1st two games are perfectly playable on PC, and I’m sure you can mod those too.

        Yea, R1400??? Is that the price of games these days?? GTFOH

        Reply

  9. Caveshen Rajman

    February 10, 2021 at 08:02

    Delicious. Finally some good content.

    Reply

  10. No, YOU are flat out wrong as

    November 16, 2021 at 23:58

    Everyone knows that the issue here is that there are hoards of activists making demands of media, and eventually developers like Bioware will get so drummed out by it that they will self-censor.

    No one actually gives a damn whether ass appears or doesn’t. I can’t imagine you don’t actually know this, I think you 100% know you’re being disingenuous.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Check Also

Xbox Series X Restock Update Today: Track on Twitter, Walmart, Best Buy and More

New consoles are on the horizon, and while Sony and Microsoft have spoken plenty about wha…