Home Features We’re putting the ass back into Mass Effect, with our revolutionary new technology

We’re putting the ass back into Mass Effect, with our revolutionary new technology

3 min read

These are dark times that we live in. Pollution is increasing, politics are becoming more fractured than ever before, and a virus rages out of control. Did you think life couldn’t possibly get any worse? WRONG. On Friday, the most devastating news since the untimely death of Princess Diana was unearthed: BioWare, developer of the upcoming Mass Effect Legendary Edition, was preparing to cut butts from the package.

A tragedy of the highest order, BioWare’s decision to reframe camera angles so that its vision of a grand space opera trilogy can stand on its own two feet instead of resorting to cheap sexuality is nothing but an attack on perverts everywhere. For those of us who played the original game, uncovered strange feelings in our loins, and rejoiced when Valve’s Source Filmmaker engine was used to create Rule 34 art, this was the final straw.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you spent an afternoon enjoying a decade-old key art for an upcoming game that features a female protagonist contorting her spine into an impossible pose just so that she can show off hams that saved multiple galaxies?

Miranda Butts

Miranda’s booty which could cause spontaneous werewolf transformations due to its original full moon appearance whenever she entered a room, Grunt’s thick thighs, and Mordin’s bony posterior all deserve to be seen in their glory on new consoles and in 4K. Just who does Bobby BioWare think he is, to make changes in his game that appeals to humanity’s better side? And how do I stop this?

Well I’m glad you asked! Using cutting edge science, Critical Hit has spared no expense in creating a solution to humanity’s darkest hour. Using our patented system, you can now bring the beauty of the booty back to Mass Effect with our Ass Effect add-on. Using the very finest of papyrus and adhesive materials, all you need to do is overreact to the censorship that the SJW agenda has clearly inserted into Mass Effect Legendary Edition and apply the Ass Effect add-on to the part of the screen that you desire to see get enhanced to the Gluteus maximus.


But wait, there’s more! In each package, you’ll find not only a butt that faces to the left, but also a butt that faces to the right! We’ll even throw in more butts, to suit every fetish you could possibly have! Krogan butts, Asari butts, butts wrapped up in skintight leather, and butts with scales. We’ll even include our revolutionary Ass Effect blank butt space and our ink-based butt-creation toolkit so that you can draw the lumpy butts of your dream. Go for a renegade rear or a paragon posterior, the choice is yours!


Even better, our technology is BioWare-proof. No matter how the game is patched in the future, your chosen rump-a-dump of exotic glutes cannot be removed from the game. Goddamit, you want even more? FINE. With every order, I’ll include a torremt link to my “homework” folder that collects various Mass Effect-related Rule 34 art that’s so heinous, it makes every deity under the sun weep for our species.


Call now! Stocks are limited, and operators are standing by. Do we take credit cards? Butt of course!

Last Updated: February 8, 2021

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