Home Gaming Insert Coin: Altered Beast

Insert Coin: Altered Beast

3 min read
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AlteredBeast

“RISE FROM YOUR GRAVE!” the little digitised voice from the arcade machine said, as I stood outside a schwarma take-away place with my dad in old Hillbrow. I watched the thing in pure wonder as a man changed from an undead soldier into a werewolf who threw fireballs at a lumpy rock boss throwing copies of his own face.  The arcade machine spoke to me, and I had to play it.  Begging my dad for 20c worked, and I got to play a game that would be one of my favourites for years. Here’s the thing though though. It’s a bloody awful game. Rose-tinted nostalgia glasses had me thinking it was great for years, but it’s never really been any good at all, has it?

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First up, it features a dead Roman centurion who’s raised from the dead by the Greek god Zeus to help save his daughter Athena from the clutches of Neff, the bald guy you end up killing 5 or so times. That alone makes no sense; if Zeus is powerful enough to bring a nameless soldier back from the dead, surely he could just save her himself?

In each level, you’ll go about as your sculpted hunk of surprisingly undecomposed manflesh, moving left to right, kicking and punching things; zombies, weird backward wasps, wolves, more wolves, and stupid birds until you finally kick or punch special things that give you magical orbs. They’re magical orbs of insta-steriods, because for whatever reason you become buffer with each one. Your chest and arms expand like you’ve been klapping gym, boet until eventually you transform in to some or other creature.

AlteredBeast

The first is the aforementioned werewolf, later, a dragon that shoots off bolts of electricity at giant eyeballs – and later, a roly-poly bear that seems to spit death, or something. As the bear, you get to take on Neff in his insidious form of an evil giant snail, because why the hell not. Worst of all, when you do beat the end-level boss after becoming a big powerful were-creature, that bald bastard whose ass you’ve just whipped takes your powers away, leaving you a skinny little weakling all over again.

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The whole thing’s over in about 12 minutes if you’re good at the game. You aren’t though, because it has the worst mechanics and hit detection in any game ever. Couple that with the fact that your shirtless, were-lothario feels like he’s perpetually moving in quicksand and you’re in for a bad time.  It’s not a great game. It was never a great game,  and any real fondness you may have for it is driven by nostalgia and nothing else. Altered Beast is awful. Even that digitised voice sample in the beginning; the only reason you know it says “rise from your grave” is because of the accompanying text. Really, it sounds like “mrss fwmmer gwaaf,” which makes more sense than the game’s stupid narrative.

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In the end, it turns out the whole thing’s just been one elaborate and frankly stupid stage production as everybody reveals their stupid masks to reveal they’re actors. I replayed it not too recently, and it ruined my life, essentially proving that just about every fond arcade gaming memory I had as a child was a lie. The game was led by SEGA’s Makoto Uchido, who went on to use the same basic template to create something good, and that actually still stands up to scrutiny as a worthwhile game today: Golden Axe.

Last Updated: November 18, 2014

28 Comments

  1. Admiral Chief Wang

    November 18, 2014 at 15:05

    Man, I remember this.

    Reply

  2. Hammersteyn

    November 18, 2014 at 15:07

    Altered beast was a below average beat em up but the hook was that you could transform into a badass werewolf. At the time it was awesome! hehe I still have Golden Axe on my PS3.

    Reply

    • Exalted Overlord Geoffrey Tim

      November 18, 2014 at 15:09

      It was never awesome. Ever.

      Reply

      • Hammersteyn

        November 18, 2014 at 15:14

        At the time it was. Especially the transformation screen that launched you into Beast Mode. It was simple but it gave me a rush back when I was still in primary school. I will admit that it hasn’t aged as well as Golden Axe for instance. At least me and Altered Beast has something in common but I’d still rather play this than some of the other games that came out this year.

        Reply

    • Cadis Etrama Di Umar

      November 18, 2014 at 15:19

      Gah, last gen Golden Axe was so bad 🙁

      Reply

      • Hammersteyn

        November 18, 2014 at 15:23

        The one on the Genesis or the PS3?

        Reply

        • Cadis Etrama Di Umar

          November 18, 2014 at 15:24

          Not the genesis. The remake

          Reply

          • Hammersteyn

            November 18, 2014 at 15:28

            The nostalgia is strongest in me it seems.

  3. Alien Emperor Trevor

    November 18, 2014 at 15:14

    I remember playing this once or twice at the cafe, once or twice was enough.

    Reply

  4. Guild

    November 18, 2014 at 15:18

    Hmm I always seemed to play Gals Panic at the local Spar down the road

    Reply

    • Exalted Overlord Geoffrey Tim

      November 18, 2014 at 15:19

      Ahh yes, the pervy offshoot of Qix. Is a better game than Altered Beast.

      Reply

    • Alien Emperor Trevor

      November 18, 2014 at 15:20

      So that’s why you have a restraining order prohibiting you from going to Spar.

      Reply

    • Cadis Etrama Di Umar

      November 18, 2014 at 15:21

      Loved Gals Panic. Used to play it all the time as a kid

      Reply

    • Hammersteyn

      November 18, 2014 at 15:22

      Bwahaha “GOOD LUCK!”

      Reply

  5. Viking Of Divinity

    November 18, 2014 at 15:24

    WISE FWOM YOUR GWAVE!!!

    Reply

  6. Rock789

    November 18, 2014 at 15:29

    Nostalgia is a powerful thing… And yes, I used to think this game was awesome too… Until I played it on the Sega Arcade Collection on my 360… Still brings back that twinge of nostalgia… But that’s about it nowadays…

    Reply

    • Hammersteyn

      November 18, 2014 at 15:32

      Sometimes playing old old games is like trying to keep a party going after everyone has left.

      Reply

      • Quo Vadis?

        November 18, 2014 at 16:47

        Yup. I bought one of those old arcade style games for a bud of mine for his 40th birthday. It had more than 1000 classic arcade games on it. It looked like a café game platform with all the buttons and joysticks on it. Switched it on, played for 5 minutes, and I wanted to cry. He wanted to cry. 10k wasted on nostalgia. Now, it is the world’s most expensive stand to put beers/ braai meat on it so the dogs don’t knock it over :/

        Reply

  7. Brady miaau

    November 18, 2014 at 15:38

    Never played, never wanted to. Was it any good, he asks tongue in cheek?

    Reply

    • Exalted Overlord Geoffrey Tim

      November 18, 2014 at 15:51

      :/

      Reply

      • Brady miaau

        November 18, 2014 at 15:56

        This game was one of those that people spoke about in hushed tones, almost reverential like. It was weird. I never even tried to play and the arcades had the Altered Beast in big colourful letters and it was noisy and stuff. But no.

        Now Golden Axe I did play, on the PC and it was FUN.

        Reply

  8. NoOne3584

    November 18, 2014 at 16:42

    I remember this on the Sega Genesis. Was the free game that came with the console. Great game. Great console actually.

    Reply

  9. Sir Rants A Lot is a DADDY

    November 18, 2014 at 18:49

    Go play Sonic 1 or 2 @OddSockZA:disqus

    That at least lives up to its nostalgia! Unlike your silly little Altered Beast

    Reply

    • Admiral Chief Wang

      November 19, 2014 at 08:37

      Sonic 2 and 3 are gaming GEMS

      Reply

      • Sir Rants A Lot is a DADDY

        November 19, 2014 at 08:45

        Someone who agrees with me! Finally!

        Reply

  10. Damian Paynter

    November 19, 2014 at 08:15

    So, it’s left to me to stir things up a bit. I LIKED THIS GAME!!!! BWAH HAHAHAHAHA. Oh, what planet is this again? My overlord says “HI”

    Reply

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