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How to pew pew better in Call Of Duties Advanced Warp Fair

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Another year, another Call Of Duty. But this year, something is different. New exo abilities. New weapons, near-future hardware and extra Kevin Spacey technology have all combined to make a Call Of Duty game that is new, yet familiar. And we get that. We get that you might need some help in going forward in a level and shooting people. After weeks of painstaking research and development, we’ve developed a guide that we feel will help you. Spoilers to follow, of course.

Induction

Call-of-Duty induction

PEOPLE WHO AREN’T AMERICANS! SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM ALL!

Atlas

COD Atlas

PEOPLE WHO ARE AMERICANS! HOLD YOUR FIRE!

Traffic

Call of Duty Traffic

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT MY MASSIVE EXO-SKELETON ARSE! SHOOT THEM ALL, LET THEIR GOD SORT THEM OUT!

Fission

Call of Duty fission

SHOOT TO THRILL, PLAY TO KILL! TOO MANY WOMEN AND TOO MANY PILLS! SHOOT TO THRILL PLAY TO KILL I GOT MY GUN AT THE READY AND I FIRE AT WILL!

Aftermath

Call of Duty aftermath

FORWARD FORWARD FORWARD JUMP JUMP BACKWARD BACKWARD JUMP FORWARD FORWARD OH WAIT THIS ISN’T THAT SONIC THE HEDGEHOG COMPETITION THAT K-TV USED TO RUN!

Manhunt

Call of Duty manhunt

SHOOT WITH A PARROT DRONE HOW COOL IS THIS TECHNOLOGY I WANT ONE FOR CHRISTMAS PLEASE MOMMY!

Utopia

Call of Duty utopia

I TOTALLY DID NOT SEE THE PLOT TWIST THAT KEVIN SPACEY WOULD BE EVIL COMING AND I CAN’T BRING MYSELF TO TO SHOOT HIS OSCAR-WINNING FACE! EXPLOSIONS!

Sentinel

Call of Duty sentinel

REMEMBER IF WE GO INTO CLOAK MODE THEY CAN’T SEE US AND OH CRAP THEY HEARD ME TALKING ABOUT CLOAK MODE IN A LOUD VOICE DIDN’T THEY CRAP LET’S CRASH THIS PARTY ALREADY SND STEAL SOME SUSHI!

Crash

Call of Duty crash

JIRRE V** DIS KOUD SKIET DIE BLIKSEM!

Bio Lab

Call of Duty bio lab

Shhh, be vewy vey quiet, I’m hunting toxic nerve gas agents that have been biologically engineered to not target various ethnic groups. AhahahahahahahaHOLY SHIT A TANK? YES LET’S DO THIS

Collapse

Call of Duty collapse

I’D BE UPSET ABOUT SAN FRANCISCO LOSING THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE BUT NOW THE WORLD IS SAFE FROM HIPPIES AT LEAST AND I DON’T HAVE TO SHOOT THEM MYSELF!

Armada

Call of Duty armada

I’M ON A BOAT MOTHAF***A! SHOOT WEAPONISED ONLINE INSULTS THROUGH RAIL GUN CANNONS!

Throttle

Call of Duty throttle

VROOOM VEEEEEHHHEEEWWW THIS JET MAKES SHOOTING EVEN MORE AWESOME SO YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO IT!

Captured

Call of Duty captured

STRUGGLE IN VAIN AS A SCRIPTED SEQUENCE PREVENTS YOU FROM SHOOTING, PUNCHING, STABBING, GOUGING OR CROTCH-KICKING ANYONE UNTIL KEVIN SPACEY HAS DONE HIS MONOLOGUE!

Terminus

Call of Duty terminus

HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW ATLAS? YOU AIN’T GOING TO BE PRETTY NO MO’ WHEN I GET DONE SHOOTING ALL YOUR PALS SPACEY!

Last Updated: December 3, 2014

20 Comments

  1. Step 1: Don’t buy the game.
    Step 2: Win at life.

    Reply

    • Corrie

      December 3, 2014 at 15:18

      See people this man get’s it, why can’t the rest too

      Reply

    • Anon A Mouse

      December 3, 2014 at 15:27

      But I want to win in your mother’s bedroom…. O wait I did that like yesterday.

      Reply

      • ToshZA

        December 3, 2014 at 15:30

        So you’re into GILFs? Euw man, just gross.

        Reply

  2. ToshZA

    December 3, 2014 at 15:04

    Ps, article sounds legit.

    Reply

  3. SargonTheGreatPandaOfAkkad

    December 3, 2014 at 15:07

    The amount of illegal narcotics consumed in the creation of this article is NOT HIGH ENOUGH.
    Awesome. 😀

    Reply

  4. Hammersteyn

    December 3, 2014 at 15:10

    • Corrie

      December 3, 2014 at 15:20

      Damnit you just leaked the next game Call of Duty Nut Warfare

      Reply

    • Anon A Mouse

      December 3, 2014 at 15:26

      Skêr broer, skêr.

      Reply

    • Ryanza

      December 3, 2014 at 15:33

      Extreme lesbian sex?

      Reply

      • Hammersteyn

        December 3, 2014 at 15:37

        I guess they’re both girls now.

        Reply

  5. Alien Emperor Trevor

    December 3, 2014 at 15:12

    You left out it takes longer to read this article than to play the campaign.

    Reply

    • Corrie

      December 3, 2014 at 15:20

      Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Buuuuurn

      Reply

    • shakins

      December 3, 2014 at 15:31

      my co-worker’s sister-in-law makes $83 an hour on the internet .. She has been fired for nine months but last month her paycheck was $19782 just working on the internet for a few hours…..
      go to ths sit…………

      ????????????????????

      http://WWW.247-JOB.COM
      ????????????????????
      GO TO THE SITE FOR MORE INFO ANd HELP……….

      Reply

  6. Matthew Holliday

    December 3, 2014 at 15:14

    its funny that they still expect people to play the campagn.
    ive got 3 friends on steam with CoD AW, 2 of which havent even installed the singleplayer portion, and the other that did install it, but hasnt played it.

    i played the campagn, i feel like an anomoly.

    Reply

    • Hammersteyn

      December 3, 2014 at 15:16

      That’s why the Halo Anniversary editions broken MP is such a issue

      Reply

    • Guild

      December 3, 2014 at 15:17

      I haven’t played campaign since MW3. Started playing this one, just need to actually finish it now

      Reply

      • Weanerdog

        December 3, 2014 at 16:02

        But where will you find that one whole hour to do that.

        Reply

  7. Hammersteyn

    December 3, 2014 at 15:15

    LOL Crash sounds like a Stormer supporter at Loftus in the middle of winter.

    Reply

  8. Weanerdog

    December 3, 2014 at 16:04

    Hi my name is Wayne and I have never played a COD game.

    Reply

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