Another year, another Call Of Duty. But this year, something is different. New exo abilities. New weapons, near-future hardware and extra Kevin Spacey technology have all combined to make a Call Of Duty game that is new, yet familiar. And we get that. We get that you might need some help in going forward in a level and shooting people. After weeks of painstaking research and development, we’ve developed a guide that we feel will help you. Spoilers to follow, of course.
Induction
PEOPLE WHO AREN’T AMERICANS! SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM ALL!
Atlas
PEOPLE WHO ARE AMERICANS! HOLD YOUR FIRE!
Traffic
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT MY MASSIVE EXO-SKELETON ARSE! SHOOT THEM ALL, LET THEIR GOD SORT THEM OUT!
Fission
SHOOT TO THRILL, PLAY TO KILL! TOO MANY WOMEN AND TOO MANY PILLS! SHOOT TO THRILL PLAY TO KILL I GOT MY GUN AT THE READY AND I FIRE AT WILL!
Aftermath
FORWARD FORWARD FORWARD JUMP JUMP BACKWARD BACKWARD JUMP FORWARD FORWARD OH WAIT THIS ISN’T THAT SONIC THE HEDGEHOG COMPETITION THAT K-TV USED TO RUN!
Manhunt
SHOOT WITH A PARROT DRONE HOW COOL IS THIS TECHNOLOGY I WANT ONE FOR CHRISTMAS PLEASE MOMMY!
Utopia
I TOTALLY DID NOT SEE THE PLOT TWIST THAT KEVIN SPACEY WOULD BE EVIL COMING AND I CAN’T BRING MYSELF TO TO SHOOT HIS OSCAR-WINNING FACE! EXPLOSIONS!
Sentinel
REMEMBER IF WE GO INTO CLOAK MODE THEY CAN’T SEE US AND OH CRAP THEY HEARD ME TALKING ABOUT CLOAK MODE IN A LOUD VOICE DIDN’T THEY CRAP LET’S CRASH THIS PARTY ALREADY SND STEAL SOME SUSHI!
Crash
JIRRE V** DIS KOUD SKIET DIE BLIKSEM!
Bio Lab
Shhh, be vewy vey quiet, I’m hunting toxic nerve gas agents that have been biologically engineered to not target various ethnic groups. AhahahahahahahaHOLY SHIT A TANK? YES LET’S DO THIS
Collapse
I’D BE UPSET ABOUT SAN FRANCISCO LOSING THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE BUT NOW THE WORLD IS SAFE FROM HIPPIES AT LEAST AND I DON’T HAVE TO SHOOT THEM MYSELF!
Armada
I’M ON A BOAT MOTHAF***A! SHOOT WEAPONISED ONLINE INSULTS THROUGH RAIL GUN CANNONS!
Throttle
VROOOM VEEEEEHHHEEEWWW THIS JET MAKES SHOOTING EVEN MORE AWESOME SO YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO IT!
Captured
STRUGGLE IN VAIN AS A SCRIPTED SEQUENCE PREVENTS YOU FROM SHOOTING, PUNCHING, STABBING, GOUGING OR CROTCH-KICKING ANYONE UNTIL KEVIN SPACEY HAS DONE HIS MONOLOGUE!
Terminus
HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW ATLAS? YOU AIN’T GOING TO BE PRETTY NO MO’ WHEN I GET DONE SHOOTING ALL YOUR PALS SPACEY!
Last Updated: December 3, 2014
ToshZA
December 3, 2014 at 15:02
Step 1: Don’t buy the game.
Step 2: Win at life.
Corrie
December 3, 2014 at 15:18
See people this man get’s it, why can’t the rest too
Anon A Mouse
December 3, 2014 at 15:27
But I want to win in your mother’s bedroom…. O wait I did that like yesterday.
ToshZA
December 3, 2014 at 15:30
So you’re into GILFs? Euw man, just gross.
ToshZA
December 3, 2014 at 15:04
Ps, article sounds legit.
SargonTheGreatPandaOfAkkad
December 3, 2014 at 15:07
The amount of illegal narcotics consumed in the creation of this article is NOT HIGH ENOUGH.
Awesome. 😀
Hammersteyn
December 3, 2014 at 15:10
I’d rather do this than play COD
http://img-9gag-ftw.9cache.com/photo/aDwVMvB_460sa.gif
Corrie
December 3, 2014 at 15:20
Damnit you just leaked the next game Call of Duty Nut Warfare
Anon A Mouse
December 3, 2014 at 15:26
Skêr broer, skêr.
Ryanza
December 3, 2014 at 15:33
Extreme lesbian sex?
Hammersteyn
December 3, 2014 at 15:37
I guess they’re both girls now.
Alien Emperor Trevor
December 3, 2014 at 15:12
You left out it takes longer to read this article than to play the campaign.
Corrie
December 3, 2014 at 15:20
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Buuuuurn
shakins
December 3, 2014 at 15:31
my co-worker’s sister-in-law makes $83 an hour on the internet .. She has been fired for nine months but last month her paycheck was $19782 just working on the internet for a few hours…..
go to ths sit…………
????????????????????
http://WWW.247-JOB.COM
????????????????????
GO TO THE SITE FOR MORE INFO ANd HELP……….
Matthew Holliday
December 3, 2014 at 15:14
its funny that they still expect people to play the campagn.
ive got 3 friends on steam with CoD AW, 2 of which havent even installed the singleplayer portion, and the other that did install it, but hasnt played it.
i played the campagn, i feel like an anomoly.
Hammersteyn
December 3, 2014 at 15:16
That’s why the Halo Anniversary editions broken MP is such a issue
Guild
December 3, 2014 at 15:17
I haven’t played campaign since MW3. Started playing this one, just need to actually finish it now
Weanerdog
December 3, 2014 at 16:02
But where will you find that one whole hour to do that.
Hammersteyn
December 3, 2014 at 15:15
LOL Crash sounds like a Stormer supporter at Loftus in the middle of winter.
Weanerdog
December 3, 2014 at 16:04
Hi my name is Wayne and I have never played a COD game.