Another year, another Call Of Duty. But this year, something is different. New exo abilities. New weapons, near-future hardware and extra Kevin Spacey technology have all combined to make a Call Of Duty game that is new, yet familiar. And we get that. We get that you might need some help in going forward in a level and shooting people. After weeks of painstaking research and development, we’ve developed a guide that we feel will help you. Spoilers to follow, of course.
PEOPLE WHO AREN’T AMERICANS! SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM ALL!
PEOPLE WHO ARE AMERICANS! HOLD YOUR FIRE!
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT MY MASSIVE EXO-SKELETON ARSE! SHOOT THEM ALL, LET THEIR GOD SORT THEM OUT!
SHOOT TO THRILL, PLAY TO KILL! TOO MANY WOMEN AND TOO MANY PILLS! SHOOT TO THRILL PLAY TO KILL I GOT MY GUN AT THE READY AND I FIRE AT WILL!
FORWARD FORWARD FORWARD JUMP JUMP BACKWARD BACKWARD JUMP FORWARD FORWARD OH WAIT THIS ISN’T THAT SONIC THE HEDGEHOG COMPETITION THAT K-TV USED TO RUN!
SHOOT WITH A PARROT DRONE HOW COOL IS THIS TECHNOLOGY I WANT ONE FOR CHRISTMAS PLEASE MOMMY!
I TOTALLY DID NOT SEE THE PLOT TWIST THAT KEVIN SPACEY WOULD BE EVIL COMING AND I CAN’T BRING MYSELF TO TO SHOOT HIS OSCAR-WINNING FACE! EXPLOSIONS!
REMEMBER IF WE GO INTO CLOAK MODE THEY CAN’T SEE US AND OH CRAP THEY HEARD ME TALKING ABOUT CLOAK MODE IN A LOUD VOICE DIDN’T THEY CRAP LET’S CRASH THIS PARTY ALREADY SND STEAL SOME SUSHI!
JIRRE V** DIS KOUD SKIET DIE BLIKSEM!
Shhh, be vewy vey quiet, I’m hunting toxic nerve gas agents that have been biologically engineered to not target various ethnic groups. AhahahahahahahaHOLY SHIT A TANK? YES LET’S DO THIS
I’D BE UPSET ABOUT SAN FRANCISCO LOSING THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE BUT NOW THE WORLD IS SAFE FROM HIPPIES AT LEAST AND I DON’T HAVE TO SHOOT THEM MYSELF!
I’M ON A BOAT MOTHAF***A! SHOOT WEAPONISED ONLINE INSULTS THROUGH RAIL GUN CANNONS!
VROOOM VEEEEEHHHEEEWWW THIS JET MAKES SHOOTING EVEN MORE AWESOME SO YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO IT!
STRUGGLE IN VAIN AS A SCRIPTED SEQUENCE PREVENTS YOU FROM SHOOTING, PUNCHING, STABBING, GOUGING OR CROTCH-KICKING ANYONE UNTIL KEVIN SPACEY HAS DONE HIS MONOLOGUE!
HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW ATLAS? YOU AIN’T GOING TO BE PRETTY NO MO’ WHEN I GET DONE SHOOTING ALL YOUR PALS SPACEY!
Last Updated: December 3, 2014
December 3, 2014 at 15:02
Step 1: Don’t buy the game.
Step 2: Win at life.