How to pew pew better in Call Of Duties Advanced Warp Fair

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Another year, another Call Of Duty. But this year, something is different. New exo abilities. New weapons, near-future hardware and extra Kevin Spacey technology have all combined to make a Call Of Duty game that is new, yet familiar. And we get that. We get that you might need some help in going forward in a level and shooting people. After weeks of painstaking research and development, we’ve developed a guide that we feel will help you. Spoilers to follow, of course.

Induction

Call-of-Duty induction

PEOPLE WHO AREN’T AMERICANS! SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM ALL!

Atlas

COD Atlas

PEOPLE WHO ARE AMERICANS! HOLD YOUR FIRE!

Traffic

Call of Duty Traffic

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT MY MASSIVE EXO-SKELETON ARSE! SHOOT THEM ALL, LET THEIR GOD SORT THEM OUT!

Fission

Call of Duty fission

SHOOT TO THRILL, PLAY TO KILL! TOO MANY WOMEN AND TOO MANY PILLS! SHOOT TO THRILL PLAY TO KILL I GOT MY GUN AT THE READY AND I FIRE AT WILL!

Aftermath

Call of Duty aftermath

FORWARD FORWARD FORWARD JUMP JUMP BACKWARD BACKWARD JUMP FORWARD FORWARD OH WAIT THIS ISN’T THAT SONIC THE HEDGEHOG COMPETITION THAT K-TV USED TO RUN!

Manhunt

Call of Duty manhunt

SHOOT WITH A PARROT DRONE HOW COOL IS THIS TECHNOLOGY I WANT ONE FOR CHRISTMAS PLEASE MOMMY!

Utopia

Call of Duty utopia

I TOTALLY DID NOT SEE THE PLOT TWIST THAT KEVIN SPACEY WOULD BE EVIL COMING AND I CAN’T BRING MYSELF TO TO SHOOT HIS OSCAR-WINNING FACE! EXPLOSIONS!

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Sentinel

Call of Duty sentinel

REMEMBER IF WE GO INTO CLOAK MODE THEY CAN’T SEE US AND OH CRAP THEY HEARD ME TALKING ABOUT CLOAK MODE IN A LOUD VOICE DIDN’T THEY CRAP LET’S CRASH THIS PARTY ALREADY SND STEAL SOME SUSHI!

Crash

Call of Duty crash

JIRRE V** DIS KOUD SKIET DIE BLIKSEM!

Bio Lab

Call of Duty bio lab

Shhh, be vewy vey quiet, I’m hunting toxic nerve gas agents that have been biologically engineered to not target various ethnic groups. AhahahahahahahaHOLY SHIT A TANK? YES LET’S DO THIS

Collapse

Call of Duty collapse

I’D BE UPSET ABOUT SAN FRANCISCO LOSING THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE BUT NOW THE WORLD IS SAFE FROM HIPPIES AT LEAST AND I DON’T HAVE TO SHOOT THEM MYSELF!

Armada

Call of Duty armada

I’M ON A BOAT MOTHAF***A! SHOOT WEAPONISED ONLINE INSULTS THROUGH RAIL GUN CANNONS!

Throttle

Call of Duty throttle

VROOOM VEEEEEHHHEEEWWW THIS JET MAKES SHOOTING EVEN MORE AWESOME SO YOU SHOULD TOTALLY DO IT!

Captured

Call of Duty captured

STRUGGLE IN VAIN AS A SCRIPTED SEQUENCE PREVENTS YOU FROM SHOOTING, PUNCHING, STABBING, GOUGING OR CROTCH-KICKING ANYONE UNTIL KEVIN SPACEY HAS DONE HIS MONOLOGUE!

Terminus

Call of Duty terminus

HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW ATLAS? YOU AIN’T GOING TO BE PRETTY NO MO’ WHEN I GET DONE SHOOTING ALL YOUR PALS SPACEY!

Last Updated: December 3, 2014

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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