Due to some personal circumstances, I was unable to post up my review for Gods of Egypt before its release, so let me give you the Readers’ Digest version.

  • What is it?

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An Alex Proyas (Dark City, The Crow) directed big budget fantasy adventure set in an ancient Egypt where 10-foot tall gods live and walk among men, occasionally taking time off to turn into badly rendered bits of CGI. One of these gods is the beloved Horus (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) who was all set to ascend to his father’s throne and become god-king of Egypt, until he was violently betrayed by ambitious and warmongering god-uncle Set (Gerard Butler) who wanted it all for himself. With Horus left blinded and broken, it’s up to a human thief named Bek (Brenton Thwaites) to help the god defeat Set, regain his crown and restore peace to the world.

  • I would like this if I like…

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Really shiny things. And racism. Basically, you need to be the filmgoing equivalent of a magpie who gets easily distracted by glistening bits of flotsam so as not to notice that a movie set in Africa stars a Dane, a Scot, a couple of Aussies and some Englishfolk. Admittedly, besides for the whitewashing, there is a properly epic mythological story being told here – even if it’s told in a shoddy, sometimes confusing fashion – but if you’re down with seeing a badass mohawk-sporting Geoffrey Rush as Ra going toe to godly toe with the massive world-destroying demon Apophis who is all fangs and evil, then you’ll at least get some kicks out of this.

  • Is it good?
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Despite a few moments of mythological awesomeness and the occasional hint of a fun adventuresome tale – and at least Coster-Waldau seems to be having fun with the material – Gods of Egypt ends up being nothing more than a bad videogame cutscene stretched to full feature film length, filled with about as much depth as it has racial diversity. Characters mostly just hop from one clumsily staged end-level boss fight action setpiece to the other, with very little dramatic fibre between them, and it’s kind of shocking how a movie filled with so many brightly coloured moments of godly stuff punching other godly stuff in the face can often end up as dull as it does.

  • Should I watch it?

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Yeah, you should. If you enjoy dumb movies that trade an abundance in CG for brains. Or if you just want to see how it’s possible to gild a turd, put a $140 million price tag on it and sell it to Hollywood.

Last Updated: February 29, 2016

Summary
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Kervyn Cloete

A man of many passions - but very little sleep - I've been geeking out over movies, video games, comics, books, anime, TV series and lemon meringues as far back as I can remember. So show up for the geeky insight, stay for the delicious pastries.

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