An idiot’s guide to why Overwatch may be the best game of 2016

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I think we can all agree that Overwatch is a terrific game. Blizzard has a winner on their hands here, as I spend night after night looking to get a loot crate drop with that Genji skin that I’ve been aching for. Any rational, sane person can tell you why Overwatch is a contender for best of the year. But the true mark of a game, is when an idiot convinces you to drop cash on it.

And with god as my witness, I am that idiot. Here’s a completely arbitrary and baffling list of reasons why Overwatch is a contender on my list for the best damn game of 2016.

It made me like Australia again

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Man, I hate those Ozzies. They’ve got a better economy, tighter rules on protecting their environment and a government that is actually held accountable for badness. Buggers. We’re natural enemies you see. Like brothers and sisters. Or dogs and cats. Or Bastion and Reaper players in Overwatch. Thing is, despite my hatred of the rugby champs, I’m in love with their representation in Overwatch.

Roadhog and Junkrat are two of my favourite characters, Ozzie survivors from the set of a Mad Max movie and leftover Baysplosions. They’re two explosive sides of the same coin, if that coin had a tonic-guzzling shotgun engineer and a lanky desert pirate whose hair was on fire on the other side. Look, they’re genuinely fun to play as. Maybe I should stop leaving flaming bags of dog poo on the steps of the Australian embassy.

Its given me hope for cosplay

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I mean yes, we’ve seen lots, lots of Widowmakers and Tracers lately in the cosplay scene. But the beauty of Overwatch, is that it caters to all manner of body types. Sculpted gods, regular normal people, massively muscled Germans and strangely attractive female bodybuilders from Russia. And also, me as my current sweet physique is the spitting image of Roadhog’s mighty power paunch. Thanks Blizzard!

Don’t fear the Reaper

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Just die. DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE!*

Read  Blizzard disables paid Loot Boxes for Belgian Overwatch players

*Don’t worry, it’s actually just German for The The The etc

Do however, fear the mighty tire

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There are plenty of sounds in Overwatch that signal the sound of death on the approach: McCree telling you the time, Winston’s farts and D.Va going full gamer. But nothing spreads more fear than hearing an Ozzie accent in the background telling you to start your engine and then seeing an old tire roll into battle. Truly, the stuff of nightmares if you’re on the wrong side of rubber running mad.

Its my new religion

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Look, I’m not against the idea of keeping the faith. Sometimes, a little faith can help you out of a dark patch. But religion these days? It’s not exactly exciting stuff. It’s not the Catholicism-Wow! that Cardinal Glick promised me. I mean, just look at your regular preacher. Unless he’s Jesse Custer, he’s downright boring. And when you’re in the middle of a firefight, what use is a Buddhist going to be?

Think those mantras are going to turn the tide of battle? That’s why I’ve converted to the Omnic form of spirituality lately. Enlightenment will come one day, and having a robotic saint who can transform into an unstoppable tank of healing is one hell of a way to sell the idea of spiritual enlightenment. Can your pastor do that? Hell, your local preacher can barely boast about having a decent grip-strength, unlike the latest range of Omnic saints who have enough PSI to easily crush any non-believer.

Overwatch taught me the perfect counter to any argument

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Thanks to Overwatch, I now know how to win any debate. No matter how much evidence your opposition or the authorities have, all you have to do in life is be calm, breathe and shout RYUU GA WAGA TEKI KURAU as loud as you can. Instant win. It works in Overwatch, it works in my daily life and it can work for you. Subscribe now to receive a 10-part VHS series on how to do it properly.

It’s time to Play Overwatch!

Last Updated: June 15, 2016

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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