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An idiot’s guide to why Overwatch may be the best game of 2016

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I think we can all agree that Overwatch is a terrific game. Blizzard has a winner on their hands here, as I spend night after night looking to get a loot crate drop with that Genji skin that I’ve been aching for. Any rational, sane person can tell you why Overwatch is a contender for best of the year. But the true mark of a game, is when an idiot convinces you to drop cash on it.

And with god as my witness, I am that idiot. Here’s a completely arbitrary and baffling list of reasons why Overwatch is a contender on my list for the best damn game of 2016.

It made me like Australia again

Overwatch-Oz

Man, I hate those Ozzies. They’ve got a better economy, tighter rules on protecting their environment and a government that is actually held accountable for badness. Buggers. We’re natural enemies you see. Like brothers and sisters. Or dogs and cats. Or Bastion and Reaper players in Overwatch. Thing is, despite my hatred of the rugby champs, I’m in love with their representation in Overwatch.

Roadhog and Junkrat are two of my favourite characters, Ozzie survivors from the set of a Mad Max movie and leftover Baysplosions. They’re two explosive sides of the same coin, if that coin had a tonic-guzzling shotgun engineer and a lanky desert pirate whose hair was on fire on the other side. Look, they’re genuinely fun to play as. Maybe I should stop leaving flaming bags of dog poo on the steps of the Australian embassy.

Its given me hope for cosplay

Overwatch (5)

I mean yes, we’ve seen lots, lots of Widowmakers and Tracers lately in the cosplay scene. But the beauty of Overwatch, is that it caters to all manner of body types. Sculpted gods, regular normal people, massively muscled Germans and strangely attractive female bodybuilders from Russia. And also, me as my current sweet physique is the spitting image of Roadhog’s mighty power paunch. Thanks Blizzard!

Don’t fear the Reaper

Overwatch (3)

Just die. DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE! DIE DIE DIE!*

*Don’t worry, it’s actually just German for The The The etc

Do however, fear the mighty tire

Overwatch (6)

There are plenty of sounds in Overwatch that signal the sound of death on the approach: McCree telling you the time, Winston’s farts and D.Va going full gamer. But nothing spreads more fear than hearing an Ozzie accent in the background telling you to start your engine and then seeing an old tire roll into battle. Truly, the stuff of nightmares if you’re on the wrong side of rubber running mad.

Its my new religion

Overwatch (1)

Look, I’m not against the idea of keeping the faith. Sometimes, a little faith can help you out of a dark patch. But religion these days? It’s not exactly exciting stuff. It’s not the Catholicism-Wow! that Cardinal Glick promised me. I mean, just look at your regular preacher. Unless he’s Jesse Custer, he’s downright boring. And when you’re in the middle of a firefight, what use is a Buddhist going to be?

Think those mantras are going to turn the tide of battle? That’s why I’ve converted to the Omnic form of spirituality lately. Enlightenment will come one day, and having a robotic saint who can transform into an unstoppable tank of healing is one hell of a way to sell the idea of spiritual enlightenment. Can your pastor do that? Hell, your local preacher can barely boast about having a decent grip-strength, unlike the latest range of Omnic saints who have enough PSI to easily crush any non-believer.

Overwatch taught me the perfect counter to any argument

Overwatch (4)

Thanks to Overwatch, I now know how to win any debate. No matter how much evidence your opposition or the authorities have, all you have to do in life is be calm, breathe and shout RYUU GA WAGA TEKI KURAU as loud as you can. Instant win. It works in Overwatch, it works in my daily life and it can work for you. Subscribe now to receive a 10-part VHS series on how to do it properly.

It’s time to Play Overwatch!

Last Updated: June 15, 2016

34 Comments

  1. Yes but D, RYUU GA WAGA TEKI KURAU.

    Reply

    • Sageville

      June 15, 2016 at 15:32

      Oooooh, so he doesn’t say ” You wanna get some Tequila bru?”

      #LessonLearnt

      Reply

  2. Admiral Chief Maximum Effort

    June 15, 2016 at 15:07

    • Admiral Chief Maximum Effort

      June 15, 2016 at 15:13

      HOREESHEEET GAVIN UPVOTE!!!

      Reply

  3. Gavin Mannion

    June 15, 2016 at 15:08

    Freaking Hanzo and his stupid ass dragon…. gawd I hate that ultimate

    Reply

    • Admiral Chief Maximum Effort

      June 15, 2016 at 15:09

      “ass dragon”….did you eat at KFC?

      Reply

    • Hammersteyn_hates_Raid0

      June 15, 2016 at 15:15

      Played a few games where the other team botches it horribly. Pure delight

      Reply

    • Matthew Holliday

      June 15, 2016 at 16:56

      Not as scary as it was during beta, pretty easy to dodge now that everyones terrified of it

      Reply

  4. Ottokie

    June 15, 2016 at 15:10

    “Subscribe now to receive a 10-part VHS series on how to do it properly.”

    Subbed!

    Reply

    • Admiral Chief Maximum Effort

      June 15, 2016 at 15:12

      Does it come in pink?

      Reply

  5. Ottokie

    June 15, 2016 at 15:13

    They need to decide if Roadhog is a DPS or a Tank. But not both. And don’t get me started on the hook oneshot

    Reply

    • Hammersteyn_hates_Raid0

      June 15, 2016 at 15:16

      That hooks hitbox is massive some days it seems. Personally I like to stand next to the edge of a hole and hook them in

      Reply

    • Admiral Chief Maximum Effort

      June 15, 2016 at 15:22

      • Gavin Mannion

        June 15, 2016 at 15:27

        OMG that’s amazing… I have an unheathly Overwatch addiction

        Reply

        • Admiral Chief Maximum Effort

          June 15, 2016 at 15:28

          Same here dude
          TWO GAVIN UPVOTES IN ONE DAY!!!!

          Reply

        • Alien Emperor Trevor

          June 15, 2016 at 15:28

          Have you tried Pornhub?

          Reply

  6. Admiral Chief Maximum Effort

    June 15, 2016 at 15:30

    • Matthew Holliday

      June 15, 2016 at 16:57

      we did this once, we got hit by a 6 man winston team and got roflstomped, next map we countered with 4x bastion and 2x mercy
      ez gg

      Reply

  7. Original Heretic

    June 15, 2016 at 15:31

    Wait, did D just call the Aussies “rugby champs”?!? Methinks a few black clad men built more solidly than brick sh- I mean, walls, might have something to say about that.

    Reply

  8. Admiral Chief Maximum Effort

    June 15, 2016 at 15:32

  9. Original Heretic

    June 15, 2016 at 15:36

    I. Need. To. Play. This. Game.

    Reply

  10. Darren Peach

    June 15, 2016 at 15:42

    New Zealand are the champs……. runs away…… 😉

    Reply

    • Geoffrey Tim

      June 15, 2016 at 15:44

      RYUU GA WAGA TEKI WO KURAU

      Reply

      • Darren Peach

        June 15, 2016 at 15:45

        Unfortunately I have no Idea what that means.

        Reply

        • Ottokie

          June 15, 2016 at 15:57

          It means, go left or right… fast

          Reply

          • Darren Peach

            June 15, 2016 at 15:59

            Now I am more confused. I found references to a toy arrow shooter thingy ?

      • Darren Peach

        June 15, 2016 at 16:03

        After googling, I suspect it has something to do with a Overwatch character.

        Reply

  11. eyesuc

    June 15, 2016 at 18:16

    “it’s actually just German for The The The etc”

    Simpsons did it! I believe it was Sideshow Bob who said it.

    Reply

  12. Thenasd1

    June 16, 2016 at 00:02

    boom

    Reply

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