Friday Fight Club – Who do your Elf eyes see winning here?

3 min read

We’re going back in time today, as we pit two of the deadliest archers against one another, men who wield the first long-distance killing weapon with godlike precision.

In one corner, we’ve got the pride of the Elves, Legolas, while in the opposite corner, we’ve got a secret agent with a swiss army tool selection of arrows on his back, Hawkeye! Who will win? You decide!


It’s not easy, being an elf. Sure, you’ve got perfect blonde-hair, a toned physique and nails which are somehow perfectly manicured, but then you’ve got to put up with constant sneers and jealousy from the lesser races on middle-earth, who would like nothing more than to make that pretty boy look like the inside of a Helms Deep long-drop.

So you can only imagine the kind of crap that Legolas had to put up with. Years of jealousy, resulting in him sharpening his archery skills to ludicrous levels, as well as the fact that he doesn’t even need to loose an arrow to kill you, as those lightning quick hands can attest to.

Sure, Ol’ Hawkeye may have sight that is almost as good as his, but he’s a man who has never faced the might of a Tolkien army imagined from groovy shrooms. War elephants, bloodthirsty orcs, liches and goblins, all have fallen before Legolas and his bow. And he looked fabulous  as he did so.

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There’s just no way that a master of everything deadly and pointy is being beaten by a walking Pantene commercial. Sure Legolas has that magical elvish ability to walk really softly and stare far into the distance while looking constipated, but Hawkeye doesn’t need any of that when he has a veritable arsenal literally at his fingertips.

Let’s see your Elvish healing factor deal with an explosive arrow in your retina from a mile away.

And while Legolas is definitely a decent shot with the bow (Yes, just decent. Once he can accurately shoot USB flash drives, then he can get upgraded to good) and has been known to surf a shield or two (Guffaw!), Hawkeye is a one man army who can turn just about anything into a weapon. No more arrows? No worries. Fists, knives, guns, hell even using his empty bow like a melee weapon; Hawkeye is an equal opportunity badass who is willing to put you in your place with any weapon of your choosing.

An uppity elf? Please, Hawkeye warms up on gods.

Last Updated: August 31, 2012

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia’s M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

  • I was gonna vote Legolas – Hawkeye just doesn’t have his speed. But the argument for Hawkeye is very convincing – he is a better all-rounder. Hmmmm…

    I’ll choose Rambo.

    • Wtf101

      Yup. Rambo will rip the arms of Legolas and beat Hawkeye to death with ’em

  • CaptainNemo42

    “They’re taking the Hobbits to Isengard!”

  • Erwin Kempff

    Charlie Sheen in Hot Shots Part Deux

  • hawkeye has this one unfortunately, hes a human version of legolas with explosive arrows, and freeze arrows, and shocking arrows and a few other kinds of arrows.

  • ES

    If Hawkeye was shooting with normal arrows, Leggy would win. He’s hundreds of years old… please… Dx

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