Behind The Guitar of Figgy Stardust

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Figgy-Stardust-is-forever

Once a millennia, a legend is born. Heroes rise, legends are born and the world basks in the glory of a myth made flesh. Figgy Stardust was one such hero. A guitarist of unfathomable skill, Figgy Stardust could bring kings to their knees with a mere wave of his plectrum.

But like all legends, Figgy Stardust would eventually fall. This is his story. This, is behind the guitar of Figgy Stardust.

Born with a guitar in his hand, Figgy Stardust managed to master the solo to stairway to heaven before he could walk.

Naturally gifted, once his family had stopped mistaking him for the livestock on their farm, he was enrolled in a prestigious music academy and dismissed with full honours after he managed to set the principal’s office on fire with a guitar solo that was described by a local nunnery as “totally sick yo”.

Fame and fortune would soon follow, with Figgy Stardust regularly topping the charts. His tracks would go instantly ultra-platinum, earning him enough cash to be qualify as the 12th largest economy in the world.

Like every other rock star around, Figgy Stardust was consistently intoxicated, although his vice of choice was to snort ground-up Chappies bubble-gum and rant about the shanging music industry.

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Like all legends however, Figgy Stardust was headed for a fall.

At the really awesome gaming expo of 2015, Figgy Stardust’s self-destructive habits finally caught up with him. With enough drugs in his system to knock out an elephant, Stardust took to the stage, and forgot to plug his guitar, resulting in an air guitar showdown that ended in disaster as he faced his longtime rival Venter Sandman.

Confused, disorientated and mistaking the audience for lizard people from the center of the planet, this was one performance that Stardust could not bounce back from.

To his credit, Venter Sandman was so drunk that his breath alone was registered to be about 70% alcohol, resulting in an equally terrible performance and questions as to whether or not his hair was real. Two titans fell that day, but Stardust fell the hardest.

Figgy Stardust was never seen again after the Rage that should never have been. Some say he packed up his guitar and returned to his roots. Others say that he decided to die the way he lived: Naked, confused and with a pissed off bear trying to murder him.

No one knows what truly became of Figgy Stardust, but his fans will always remember him as the man of miracles, the guitar god who fell from grace.

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PS: Super-huge thanks to the best Twitter-wife in this or any other parallel dimension, Samantha Wright, for the kickass camera work. You should go follow her on Twitter and read her website, Tech-Girl. She’s super-rad, and even manages to put up with my consistently stupid shenanigans.

Last Updated: October 13, 2015

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia’s M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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