Aquaman isn’t a joke

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Aquaman (10)

I feel bad for Aquaman. One of the mightiest heroes around, reduced to a running gag about how he’s almost as useless as GI Joe’s Snowjob when he isn’t in his natural habitat. And that’s a travesty.

You want to know how much of a badass Aquaman is? Here’re a few quick pointers:

  • He’s king of the seas. ALL OF THEM. That’s two-thirds of the planet, amigo. Your United Nations go get bent.
  • He once lifted an entire city that had sunk into the water. A CITY.
  • His son was in danger, he was ambushed and left chained to a rock to watch him die. Aquaman’s solution? CUT HIS OWN FREAKIN’ HAND OFF.
  • Yeah, he talks to ocean life, like cute fish. You know what also counts as ocean life? Great white sharks, whales and gigantic kraken from the depths of the ocean floor.
  • Speaking of sharks, he actually unleashed a horde of them on invading Parademons from Apokolips, as a show of force.
  • Secret identity? That’s for chumps and chumpettes. The whole world knows who Aquaman is, and he doesn’t give a crap.
  • He’s a badass out of water. Save your silly jokes for Robot Chicken. Aquaman has kicked ass on dry land. ON OTHER PLANETS.
  • Did I mention that he fights Cthulu. Annually? And wins every year? Let’s see Superman do that.
  • He once threw a bear at criminals. An actual, pissed-off grizzly bear. For reals.
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Anyway, the reason why I’m on an Aquaman bend right now, is because of this: The Aquaman Premium Format Figure from Sideshow Collectibles.

Gifted with extraordinary aquatic abilities, Arthur Curry rises from the depths wielding his mighty trident, a powerful enchanted weapon and symbol of sovereign authority.

It’s the king of the seas, in all his moist glory. And with an interchangeable beardy face and hook-hand, if the fancy strikes you. There’s no solid release date on this statue yet, but expect it to cost around $429.99 when it eventually releases.

Now, anybody here still think that Aquaman is a joke, and can do so without linking an embed to a Robot Chicken gag?

Last Updated: October 21, 2015

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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