Tis the season for chills, frights and spooky delights! With Halloween kicking off tomorrow night around the world and in roughly 73 million live service video games, it’s also that one time of the year where cinemaphiles haul out DVDs of their favourite horror movie franchises and revel in scene after scene of horny teenagers being murdered in increasingly inventive ways.
Not every horror movie monster or icon is a winner though. For every Freddy Krueger who just so happens to have Rey Mysterio for a stuntman, there are those other monsters whose terror is laughable at best. Nearly-dangerous supernatural menaces whose real threat is that they could make you die from laughter when they’re exposed. Heck even the Scooby Doo cartoons have bigger fish to fry than these freaks.
In the spirit of All Hallows Eve, here’s a look back at some horror movie monsters that you could easily take out if you were trapped in a room with them.
Chucky – Child’s Play series
Let’s kick this list off with a big name from the heyday of horror: Chucky. While the idea of a serial killer inhabiting the body of a doll and terrorising a family may have been bloodcurdling stuff in the decade of over the top hairstyles and ozone layer depletion, fast forward a few decades and even with a proper remake under its belt Buddi happens to be about as threatening as a kitten convention.
Possessing all the power of an oversized action figure, Chucky’s reign of terror happens to be hamstrung by his lack of reach, height, weight and a vulnerability to being revived from the dead for increasingly crappy sequels.
Best tactic: Leave the bastard in his box so that he can remain imprisoned for all eternity in near-mint condition.
Death bed, the bed that eats people – Death bed
Death bed! The bed that kills people! In an age where just about any inanimate object was capable of being possessed by demons and going on a killing spree, whichever denizen of hell got tasked with murdering people via an immovable piece of furniture must have picked the shortest straw. Death bed, the bed that eats people is all goose feather duvets and zero threat, a satanic spread whose key strategy is hoping that the chamomile tea you just drunk results in you slipping between its covers and blissfully falling asleep into a demonic pit of stomach acids.
It has the mobility of a dead squirrel and the fashion sense of your grandmother based on the bedsheets. Nothing that 50 cents for a book of matches cannot defeat.
Best tactic: Unleash Patton Oswalt on it.
Brundlefly – The Fly
I know what you’re thinking! How could anyone beat Jeff Goldblum when he happens to have accidentally spliced himself with fly DNA and has become stronger, faster and Goldblummier? That’s a fair point, as Goldblum’s glistening pecs alone could end a planet if they were flexed incorrectly. Goldblum as Brundlefly however, is something entirely different.
Sure, he may have gotten the drop on one guy and used microwaved milk to melt off a few limbs but come on: He’s about as fragile as secondhand toilet paper and even your grandmother after hip replacement surgery has a better range of motion than this abomination of science. Provided you remember that he follows 1980s horror movie rules and strikes from above, you’re golden.
Best tactic: Distract it with some freshly bought fish left out in the open and wait for him to be in firing range.
Trolls – Troll 2
I’ve always said that being healthy would get you killed, and no film has proven that point better than Troll 2. A movie so bad, its key plot point revolves around a family being terrorised by vegetarian goblins who have a taste for human flesh that has been harvested, but the bastards will only pounce if you happen to have consumed some cursed greens. Even if they didn’t follow that ludicrous rule, they’re still flesh and blood buggers whose only advantage is that they can launch an assault on your kneecaps.
What I guess what I’m saying, is that Paul McCartney can go take a long walk off a short pier because I refuse to let Meat-free Monday be the death of me.
Best tactic: Weaponised beef sammiches.
The Tala aliens – Killers from Space
Honestly, unless you’re challenged to a staring contest, you should be able to easily whup these 1954 Z-movie rejects back to the planet that they came from
Best tactic: Laughing at their ridiculous costumes and hurting their feelings with mockery.
Jack Frost – Jack Frost
A serial killer exposed to plot juice on a cold winter’s night, mutated into an unstoppable chilly bastard that’s out for blood! Jack Frost may sound like a nigh-unstoppable force of nature, but he just so happens to be vulnerable to a few things that you can easily find everywhere: Leaky hot water bottles, hairdryers, curling irons, toasters and are you seeing where i’m going with this?
Best tactic: Ingesting KFC Dunked Zinger Wings and going into a meltdown mode that resembles Godzilla’s ultimate form when he killed King Ghidora in King Of The Monsters.
Killer Tomatoes – Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
Fresh produce run amok! Easily mistaken for vegetables, but possessing a thirst for human flesh! The Killer Tomatoes are mankind’s greatest nemesis, an alpha predator lifeform with few weaknesses. Save for George Clooney. And being trod on. Or run over. Or actually eaten. Or being crammed into a glass bottle and holy crap okay these guys are pushover.
Best tactic: Geoff, armed with some Ciabatta bread, Olive oil and a reminder that it’s lunchtime.
Last Updated: October 30, 2019