Casting Call – The Expendables 3

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I don’t know about you lot, but having seen The Expendables 2 was one of my film highlights this year. Brash, in your face but always fun, the film was a real blast.

It also made a decent dent at the box office, so seeing a third film (IN 3D!) isn’t out of the question. But we reckon that this time, the Expendables will need to face an entire team of anti-Expendables, to really justify a threequel. Here’s a look at who would fit the mould perfectly.

Al Leong

Behold the anti-Miyagi! If there was an unlucky cop deserving a slow and painful death in the 80s, you could bet your badge that Al Leong would be there to twirl his super-manly moustache and inflict some major pain on a protagonist.

With more moves than a Jet Li DVD catalogue and a fondness for implements that cause maximum pain, it’d be a thrill to see Leon return to the big screen.

Steven Seagal

Jean Claude Van Damme was pure brilliance in the first sequel, and he was practically only in it for ten minutes. Now imagine Sly Stallone grunting and heaving in a heavyweight match against the fastest hands in all of cinema.

Personally, I’m of the thought that Seagal and his cool, detached persona would be ideal for this flick. Proivided that he can find enough stunt-men to do his fast kicks and slaps for him.

Hulk Hogan

Ha, no, not a chance in Hulkamania hell! Just kidding, move along.

Vinnie Jones

Jason Statham is pretty much the ‘ardest man in the franchise. But Vinnie Jones is the ‘ardest man in real life. He got his first red card in life seconds after he was born for headbutting the doctor that delivered him, and he has used that image to propel his career off and on the football pitch ever since.

Now imagine all that pent up hooligan rage, directed at Statham, and I guarantee you that we’ll have one of the best fights ever constructed in cinema.

John Travolta and Nicolas Cage

Hear me out on this one! John Travolta and Nic Cage, as a tag team of violence, crazy and guns! We’ll make millions! After all, they took turns being the bad guy in Face Off, and lets face facts, no one does crazy maniac like those two lunatics when it comes film roles.

Crispin Glover

Dolph Lundgren is going to need someone to fight while yelling “MAGGOTS”, and who better than the equally tall and typecasted freak himself, Crispin Glover?  He stole hearts and locks of hair in the Charlie Angels films, and his kung fu is good yo.

This could be one interesting match-up.

Mel Gibson

Let’s be clear: If starring in a third Expendables film would involve a scene where every single hero curb-stomps, shoots, stabs and bludgeons Mel Gibson to death, he’d do it for free.

And without a stuntman.

Willem Dafoe

Who better than the original creepy-faced actor himself, to scare the Expendables crew into running in the opposite direction? Defoe has been a great actor in whatever role he’s been given, and he’s clearly not afraid to get his hands dirty. Or his other…parts. I should have never watched that Anti-Christ film, brrrrrr…

Kirsten Dunst

And speaking of actors that knew Spider-Man, we can’t just have a massive sausage -fest on our hands, can we? And when it comes to femme fatales, there are none more evil than Kirsten Dunst and her Mary Jane persona!

After all, she tore the amazing wallcrawler apart not once, not twice, but three times! Top that Mystique!

Christopher Walken

Clearly, the Walken dead-man himself does not need to cash in a paycheck these days. He acts because he can, and because he wants to. But enough of these quirky roles! Enough of taking on acting gigs that are endearing and charming!

It’s time to let Walken 1.0 loose again! I want to see a team of vicious killers led by the man who tried to murder James Bond, humanity and The Rock! And with his broken speech…patterns intact!

Liam Neeson

If the Expendables have Chuck Norris on their side, it’s only fair that the villains get their own force of nature. And what better than the one man act of god insurance clause, than Liam Neeson himself.

Immovable object meets an unstoppable force? It’s the sequel to their very first battle that we’ve all been waiting. I believe it was called Clash of the Titans back in the 1980s…

 

Last Updated: October 26, 2012

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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