Five unavoidable persons who make going to the movies absolute hell

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Now, in every form of entertainment wherein a crowd gathers to be amused, saddened or educated, there always exists a set of rules that are in place to make said experience enjoyable for all. For instance, keep quiet in a library. All air shows must play Rock you like a hurricane. Throwing peanuts at terrible comedians should not be accepted, it should be encouraged.

And then you get certain people who frequent their local cinemas, bringing with them a whole heap of annoyance and rudeness. These are five such people.

1. Mr “Screw your popcorn prices, I’m smuggling in my own food!”

This is something we may all be guilty of, bringing in outside food for a film, due to those rather ludicrous prices we’re charged for stale popcorn that is topped with cancerous salt and expired butter.

Hell, I’ve smuggled in a packet of jelly beans from time to time, as well as a few cokes here and there. That ain’t so bad. But then you get those folks who believe that the only way to combat snack-time extortion is to bring in as much food as damn possible.

I’ve sat next to people who have somehow snuck pizzas, roast chicken and steak meals past the apathetic security of the ticket-checkers. It’s an absolutely unreal sight, to sit next to a chap, who decides to noisely unwrap the foil off of his greasy streetwise two special while an on screen protagnist delivers a pithy one-liner.

As if the smell isn’t bad enough, you’ve got to sit next to them while they loudly masticate their way through the action happening on the silver screen. And as a foodie, that is just pure hell.

2. Mrs “Yes, bringing my baby with me to the movies is a great idea”

Woohoo, summer blockbuster film time! Or winter, in our Southern hemispheric case. Still, time to slip on the 3D shades, hide some snakc in our pockets and sit down for a cinematic experience where some sweet Dolby surround sound can penetrate our skulls harder than some trendy new dubstep music!

Except for some reason, the twinkling sound effects and crystal clear crescendo of crashing glass is disrupted by a banshee shriek, a sound effect that can only come from one of the cruelest poop-machines that mother nature has ever constructed, a human baby.

It’s happened to me plenty of times before, where a mother has decided that having a 3 month old bundle of joy and acidic vomit in a darkened area that constantly belches out impressive levels of Skywalker Sound with flashing lights is a perfectly sound idea. After all, what could possibly go wrong.

We’ve all had to sit through those numerous screams and revenge-diaper pooping smells, before the mother at hand finally realises that her plans for an afternoon out may not have been too well thought out.

And while we can’t fault a person such as this for wanting to just get out of the house for a short while, we have to invoke the Spock clause here. The needs of the many do indeed outweigh the needs of the few, and dammit lady, I do need to see Optimus Prime kick ass without your nightmare creature screaming in my face every time a baysplosion occurs.

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3. The clueless kids

I love a good mystery film. Now while I may not be able to match wits with Sherlock Holmes (Benedict Cumbermatch version), for some reason, I have a surprisingly good head on my shoulders when it comes to figuring out a plot throughout a film, a silent hobby which always gives me great satisfaction when I see that I’m right.

I’m not the only one that does this, but of course, some people don’t have those highly specialised and ultimately useless mental faculties. Nothing wrong with that at all, some folks get it, and some folks don’t. So sit back, enjoy yourself, and go ooooohhhhh wow when the plot twist Shamalamas itself into existence near the end.

But for the love of Pete, stop asking questions every five damn minutes! We get that you want to know why the hell Madonna is in a James Bond film. But do you really need to keep asking your friend/partner/future murderer what the motivations are behind Thor playing hammer-time on the face of Loki?

And rest assured, every time that question has to be answered, you’re just adding fuel to the fire for those cinema patrons behind you who are kind enough to try and figure out the plot for themselves.

They are going to revolt sooner or later though, which is why I wear a kevlar vest to every film I attend.

4. Generation iPhone

There are some things you just don’t do in life. For instance, men should only cry when they’ve crashed a top of the line sports car, been kicked in the gentlemen parts or have listened to a specific Coldplay song (Ok, that last one only applies to me).

And when you’re at the movies, you either turn your phone off, or you take the call outside. But when you sit in that theatre, playing Jetpack Joyride with a screen brightness that is the equivalent of a star going supernova, you honestly do deserve some hurt.

If you’re bored with the film, leave, it’s not as if the movie house has super-glued your buttocks to the seat. Do you really need to check your mail, or Mxit while a film is playing? Are you that addicted to the digital world?

Don’t bring it with you the movies then, you’re only enouraging more Angry Mob on entitled cell phone user violence at the end of the day. Plus, you’re never going to beat my high score on Jetpack Joyride, it’s impossible for your thumbs.

5. Those damn kids who would not stop kicking my seat when I went to go watch TinTin and the secret of the Unicorn

I’ve been watching a combination of Liam Neeson home movies, such as The Grey and Taken, alongside Mel Gibson’s The Patriot (One of my personal favourite films) in order to hone my combat skills, and I am going to find you, and I will put my size 9 boot to your asses.

And I’ll probably earn a medal in the process.

 

 

 

Last Updated: March 19, 2012

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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