Home Entertainment Five unavoidable persons who make going to the movies absolute hell

Five unavoidable persons who make going to the movies absolute hell

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Now, in every form of entertainment wherein a crowd gathers to be amused, saddened or educated, there always exists a set of rules that are in place to make said experience enjoyable for all. For instance, keep quiet in a library. All air shows must play Rock you like a hurricane. Throwing peanuts at terrible comedians should not be accepted, it should be encouraged.

And then you get certain people who frequent their local cinemas, bringing with them a whole heap of annoyance and rudeness. These are five such people.

1. Mr “Screw your popcorn prices, I’m smuggling in my own food!”

This is something we may all be guilty of, bringing in outside food for a film, due to those rather ludicrous prices we’re charged for stale popcorn that is topped with cancerous salt and expired butter.

Hell, I’ve smuggled in a packet of jelly beans from time to time, as well as a few cokes here and there. That ain’t so bad. But then you get those folks who believe that the only way to combat snack-time extortion is to bring in as much food as damn possible.

I’ve sat next to people who have somehow snuck pizzas, roast chicken and steak meals past the apathetic security of the ticket-checkers. It’s an absolutely unreal sight, to sit next to a chap, who decides to noisely unwrap the foil off of his greasy streetwise two special while an on screen protagnist delivers a pithy one-liner.

As if the smell isn’t bad enough, you’ve got to sit next to them while they loudly masticate their way through the action happening on the silver screen. And as a foodie, that is just pure hell.

2. Mrs “Yes, bringing my baby with me to the movies is a great idea”

Woohoo, summer blockbuster film time! Or winter, in our Southern hemispheric case. Still, time to slip on the 3D shades, hide some snakc in our pockets and sit down for a cinematic experience where some sweet Dolby surround sound can penetrate our skulls harder than some trendy new dubstep music!

Except for some reason, the twinkling sound effects and crystal clear crescendo of crashing glass is disrupted by a banshee shriek, a sound effect that can only come from one of the cruelest poop-machines that mother nature has ever constructed, a human baby.

It’s happened to me plenty of times before, where a mother has decided that having a 3 month old bundle of joy and acidic vomit in a darkened area that constantly belches out impressive levels of Skywalker Sound with flashing lights is a perfectly sound idea. After all, what could possibly go wrong.

We’ve all had to sit through those numerous screams and revenge-diaper pooping smells, before the mother at hand finally realises that her plans for an afternoon out may not have been too well thought out.

And while we can’t fault a person such as this for wanting to just get out of the house for a short while, we have to invoke the Spock clause here. The needs of the many do indeed outweigh the needs of the few, and dammit lady, I do need to see Optimus Prime kick ass without your nightmare creature screaming in my face every time a baysplosion occurs.

3. The clueless kids

I love a good mystery film. Now while I may not be able to match wits with Sherlock Holmes (Benedict Cumbermatch version), for some reason, I have a surprisingly good head on my shoulders when it comes to figuring out a plot throughout a film, a silent hobby which always gives me great satisfaction when I see that I’m right.

I’m not the only one that does this, but of course, some people don’t have those highly specialised and ultimately useless mental faculties. Nothing wrong with that at all, some folks get it, and some folks don’t. So sit back, enjoy yourself, and go ooooohhhhh wow when the plot twist Shamalamas itself into existence near the end.

But for the love of Pete, stop asking questions every five damn minutes! We get that you want to know why the hell Madonna is in a James Bond film. But do you really need to keep asking your friend/partner/future murderer what the motivations are behind Thor playing hammer-time on the face of Loki?

And rest assured, every time that question has to be answered, you’re just adding fuel to the fire for those cinema patrons behind you who are kind enough to try and figure out the plot for themselves.

They are going to revolt sooner or later though, which is why I wear a kevlar vest to every film I attend.

4. Generation iPhone

There are some things you just don’t do in life. For instance, men should only cry when they’ve crashed a top of the line sports car, been kicked in the gentlemen parts or have listened to a specific Coldplay song (Ok, that last one only applies to me).

And when you’re at the movies, you either turn your phone off, or you take the call outside. But when you sit in that theatre, playing Jetpack Joyride with a screen brightness that is the equivalent of a star going supernova, you honestly do deserve some hurt.

If you’re bored with the film, leave, it’s not as if the movie house has super-glued your buttocks to the seat. Do you really need to check your mail, or Mxit while a film is playing? Are you that addicted to the digital world?

Don’t bring it with you the movies then, you’re only enouraging more Angry Mob on entitled cell phone user violence at the end of the day. Plus, you’re never going to beat my high score on Jetpack Joyride, it’s impossible for your thumbs.

5. Those damn kids who would not stop kicking my seat when I went to go watch TinTin and the secret of the Unicorn

I’ve been watching a combination of Liam Neeson home movies, such as The Grey and Taken, alongside Mel Gibson’s The Patriot (One of my personal favourite films) in order to hone my combat skills, and I am going to find you, and I will put my size 9 boot to your asses.

And I’ll probably earn a medal in the process.

 

 

 

Last Updated: March 19, 2012

13 Comments

  1. Tracy Benson

    March 19, 2012 at 11:41

    The Generation iPhone started before iPhones, I remember as a teenager going to watch The Time Machine. I hung out with the wrong group of kids because I was the only one to get it, let alone enjoy it, everyone else was on their cellphones sending Please Call Me’s to everyone else (that was when we all used to rock the 3310 and send Please Call Me’s instead of SMS). They were a bizarre combo of Generation iPhone and Clueless Kids, they’d only look up from the screen to ask what was going on. Bunch of morons.

    Reply

    • Kervyn Cloete

      March 19, 2012 at 11:54

      Now I know I may be completely out of the loop here, but last time I checked, going to movies actually cost money. Like real world money. So what I don’t understand is if you’re not there to watch the film, then by Thor’s Testes why did you pay money to just come sit in a dark room and talk to your friends?!
      You could have done that outside! For Free! In Sunlight!

      Reply

      • Tracy Benson

        March 19, 2012 at 12:10

        I have no good answer to that. It’s what we did on a Friday night. Get dropped off at a shopping centre, meet up with your friends, go to a movie, not watch the movie, get picked up by your parents at half past 10. Back then movies weren’t more than R25, popcorn and coke was about the same, so depending on how rich your parents were you could waste that pocket money. I can’t justify it, I’m just glad I’ve grown up. 

        Reply

      • Abigail Holden

        March 19, 2012 at 12:15

        My mom regularly goes to the movies, only to spend the film napping. I’ve never understood it. 

        Reply

  2. Gavin Mannion

    March 19, 2012 at 12:14

    My wife is number 3, it shows how much I love her that we still go to the movies together 😉

    Reply

  3. Kervyn Cloete

    March 19, 2012 at 12:24

    Here’s a (possibly embarrassing) confession about how much of a film geek I am. The first time I took my wife (then just a girl I had my eye on) to the movies, she was disappointed to find out that I actually intended to – gasp shock horror – watch the movie I had just paid to see, instead of just making out in the dark!

    Reply

  4. grant nicol

    March 19, 2012 at 13:06

    Wow guys you all sound like Barry Ronge movie snobs!! Apart from the last two points, if you cant cope with rest of society why not just lock yourself in a little room and never come out…..

    Reply

    • Kervyn Cloete

      March 19, 2012 at 14:44

      Wait so you’re saying that it’s ok to have a baby screeching in your ear while you’re trying to watch a movie?

      Reply

      • grant nicol

        March 19, 2012 at 15:13

        No it isnt but sometimes thats life and we have to live with it…

        Reply

        • Voicy

          March 19, 2012 at 15:25

          Erm no. It’s YOUR devil spawn which YOU brought to life. Ergo, YOU have to live with it. Not displaying public courtesy turns a person into a douche. 

          If we all did as we pleased with total disregard for others around us, then we’d be no different from the taxi drivers we so passionately loathe. 

          Reply

          • Kervyn Cloete

            March 19, 2012 at 15:29

            Exactly. I’m all for people having the right to do what they want, but as long as they do not infringe on the rights of others.

        • James Francis

          March 20, 2012 at 09:07

          Screw that – I PAID to watch the movie. I expect a certain experience in return. I will contend with screaming kids of a plane – that is an acceptable situation. But it can be managed in a movie. 

          That said, if you go watch something on a weekend, you take what you get. 

          Reply

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