We’re scraping that barrel that we found at the bottom of a scraped barrel factory again today. The 1980s may have given us Rambo, John McClane and the Terminator, but it’s also given us some of the worst action stars since John Saxon pretended to do pretend-karate in Enter the Dragon. And we’ve hauled out two such almost-never-were’s, from obscurity for one final battle, today.
Nick DiMarco (John Miller in Undefeatable)
You want some of this? Do you? Nick DiMarco is more than just a martial arts master with an oily body. He’s an expert in the fearsome art of melodramatic action posing, a shirt ripper of note. He’s mastered the art of joke-fighting, and while you may laugh at his inability to dodge a punch that was slowed down on purpose, you’ll underestimate him at your own peril, as he uses that edge to actually pull off his orange-belt flying kicks and straight to DVD punches.
And up against a man who thinks that the purpose of Ninjutsu is to be as garish as possible, while using techniques that wouldn’t even defeat a disguised orange ninja in a Victoria’s Secret shop? This is the battle that DiMarco has been saving his terrible puns and horrendous delivery for, all his life.
Joe Armstrong (Michael Dudikoff in American Ninja)
He’s an American. He’s a Ninja. Not since Nicolas Cage and Alice Kim named their son after Superman has West and East teamed up with such badass results. Yeah, Pvt. Joe Armstrong may not actually remember anything about himself, or how to emote like a normal human being, but he sure does remember those deadly ninjitsu moves. Like standing dead still while people fire automatic rifles into the ground next to his feet. Also, throwing lots and lots of shuriken. Seriously, where is he storing all those shuriken?
And it doesn’t matter where you try to hide, he will find a way to infiltrate your defenses using his ancient art of colour co-ordinated outfits. Hiding out among sandy dunes of the desert? No problem. You won’t see him coming in his dusty white gi. Well, how about hiding inside a volcano? Orange gi! Centre court at Wimbledon? Grass green gi! Surface of the sun? Yellow gi!
There simply is no sanctuary from his vengeance, especially if you’re on old Chinese guy with face tattoos like a Pollsmoor inmate.
Last Updated: September 21, 2012