Friday Fight Club – Presidential Patriotic Puglism

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This week, America celebrated another year of not being a part of the UK , much the same way that England celebrates India day, the day in which so many soldiers gave up their lives to keep India British.

And what better way to keep the fireworks going, than with an Independence Day slobber-knocker for the ages, when two of the greatest presidents in movie history throw more than just witty retorts at each other?

President James Marshall (Harrison Ford, Air Force One)

Some presidents were born to lead their nations, some were born to blunder it into one of the worst financial situations since the Great Depression. And then along came President James Marshall, a man who was born to kick ass while defending democracy.

You think a plane full of well armed and trained Kazakh terrorists could frighten this president? Republican please, that ain’t no thang for Marshall as he guns and punches his way through not only a squad of terrorists, but some traitors as well.

Some presidents can only speak with a prepared script. Marshall on the other hand, can answer all your questions with a punch, and when faced with the admittedly greater speech-spewing powers of President Whitmore, who will no likely attempt to win this fight by commandeering a fighter jet, Marshall has only four words for him before he’ll toss his ass out;

“Get off my plane!”

-Darryn

President Thomas J. Whitmore (Bill Pullman, Independence Day)

So you stood up to a couple of Eastern European terrorists, fresh from the cabbage farms? Big deal. We’ve all seen the factual documentary Borat, we know what kind of men Kazakhstan produces. Yes, James Marshall took out a whole plane full of them, but so could anybody who has the use of at least 1 arm and leg, and had seen a [INSERT 80’S ACTION MOVIE ICON] movie in the last few years.

Now when a technologically advanced alien race show up on your doorstep with delusions of conquest, that’s when you see the real men step up to the plate. Men like Gulf War veteran turned President Thomas J. Whitmore.

Alien ships turn your house to kindling and kill your wife? You’ll have time for emotions later, in the mean time “Nuke ’em.” “…Nuke the bastards.”

And if that doesn’t work, do you just give a rousing speech that gets an entire country’s blood pumping and inspires them to give these would-be alien overlords the finger? Well, yes, but then you climb into a fighter jet yourself and head to the frontlines right along with them, so that you can personally shoot a couple missiles right up these alien’s butt-probing butts.

Now that’s a badass.

-Kervyn

Last Updated: July 6, 2012

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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