It’s not the luckiest day to be outside. Whether you’re slamming into a mirror emporium, have been savaged by a gang of black cats, or drove underneath and around a kilometre of ladders that was set up by OK Go! for one of their new music videos, bad luck is all around us.
Which is why we blame wizards for it, on Black Friday. While Kervyn and myself head out to go skin Uri Geller with one of his fake spoons for making us miss out on buying an Avengers box set for cheap, take a look at these two warring warlocks, who we’re pitting against one another today, in Friday Fight Club!
Tim the Enchanter (Monty Python and the Holy Grail)
See that rock over there? BOOM! It’s gone! That tree? Killed with fire! That mountain over yonder? Tim is the reason why it’s on fire now, baby. When it comes to weaving spells, mastering the elements is essential. Tim took that idea, threw out four of those elements and got to work on becoming the greatest firebender ever seen.
The crafty wizard mastered the art of the pyro spell, can cast a Baysplosion with a mere flick of the wrist and will napalm your face if you get to close to him.
He’s a man to be feared, a warlock who could turn even King Arthur and his brave followers (Minus Sir Robin), into a gaggle of quivering stutterers who wet themselves in their wooly chain-mail.
And without even casting a spell. Now that’s power!
Look at that pimping skullcap. You know what type of person is brave enough to go out in public rocking a skullcap that shiny and silver? Badasses who ain’t afraid of nobody, that’s who.
You see while some wizards are nothing but walking Guy Fawkes celebrations, Merlin draws on the power of the very Earth itself. Not to mention the power of that pet dragon he has on beck and call. And if that doesn’t work, he’s always got that Charm of Making cocked and loaded. You know, the one where he pretty much bends reality to his will just by uttering a cockney/pig latin hybrid.
Yep, toppling kingdoms, making kings, tricking uppity witches into transforming themselves into crones so hideous that their sons throttle them on sight; it’s just all in a day’s work for Merlin.
Well, that’s if he’s not too busy single-handedly slamming broadswords into solid bed rock, like hot knives into microwaved butter. Badass.
Last Updated: July 13, 2012