So I guess Steven Seagal is back in this trailer for CONTRACT TO KILL

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Generally when we post trailers on our site, it’s to tell you about an interesting looking upcoming movie. Sometimes though, these trailer pieces are actually cautionary tales of what you should probably avoid. This is one of those times. And of course it involves Vladimir Putin’s favouring jig-dancing sidekick Steven Seagal.

Now, before you get me wrong, I grew on “so bad it’s good” 80’s/90’s Seagal movies. My teenage self saw more limbs being broken than can be healthy thanks to the Aikido master’s signature brand of cinematic violence. But that was then. Seagal has since become a surreal parody of himself, but unlike how fellow classic action icons like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis, Jackie Chan, and Jean Claude Van Damme just leaned into their golden years (hell, Van Damme has almost revitalized his career again), this isn’t is a joke to him. He’s still taking this seriously. And apparently there are some other people in Hollywood who are doing the same, willing to dye his hair the colour of nugget and use strategic camera angles and bad editing to hide the fact that he’s now a slower, heavier and subsequently much more ridiculous version of his former self. He’s basically nothing more than Luis Guzman without the funniness.

Which all brings us to Contract To Kill, the latest movie that Seagal somehow convinced a room full of people needed to be made. Check out the trailer below… and prepare to cringe as every bad trope in the book gets added on top of the farce that Seagal has become.

In this international action-thriller, Steven Seagal stars as Harmon, a CIA/DEA enforcer investigating Arab terrorists captured in Mexico. With his team—seductive FBI agent Zara (Jemma Dallender) and spy-drone pilot Sharp (Russell Wong)—he flies to Istanbul and uncovers a brutal plot: Islamic extremists plan to use Sonora drug-smuggling routes to bring deadly weapons, and leaders, into the U.S. To prevent an attack on America, Harmon must turn these two savage forces against one another before his time—and his luck—run out.

Holy crap, how sleepy does Seagal sound?! Is he actually dead and this is just some elaborate Weekend At Bernie‘s styled prank to make movies with him?! Are there secretly guys in green body stockings slowly moving him and who then got CG’d out?! And Russell Wong, what are you doing, man? You used to be cool, damn it!

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This movie is actually getting a theatrical release in the US in December, but locally, I don’t think you should expect more than seeing it pop up on eTV late on a Friday night.

Last Updated: November 8, 2016

Kervyn Cloete

A man of many passions - but very little sleep - I've been geeking out over movies, video games, comics, books, anime, TV series and lemon meringues as far back as I can remember. So show up for the geeky insight, stay for the delicious pastries.

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