The top five groin attacks in movie history

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We’ve seen plenty of fights in movies, from high-flying kung fu, through to brutal boxing matches and high octane gun battles. But while the majority of those fights also have the habit of making the audience shout DAYUMN every time an uppercut is landed, it’s when a certain tried and tested attack to the lower areas of an anatomy makes the male half the audience cringe in pain.

And we’re taking a look at five such legendary attacks today. Gentlemen, get your squinting faces ready!

5. Batman versus Ninja nards (Batman)

There’s nothing that the Batman is not prepared for.  Or at least doesn’t happen to have a can of repellent for. Woman, steroid abusers, nerds, sharks and Robin, there’s nothing that the dark knight cannot spray away.

So when Tim Burtons vision for a darker, less campy Batman rolled around, you could be certain that he would be packing a few gadgets under his bat-belt, that could deal with any highly improbable situation that he was currently in.

Case in point: The Batman is after the joker, and finds himself in a belfry crawling with joker goons. And that’s when the first goon somersaults his way towards the caped crusader, which might have sounded much cooler on paper.

And it looks the Dark Knight is done for. Nah, just kidding, as Batman happens to have an anti-capoeria extendable rod hidden in his gauntlet, which soon renders one plucky henchmen unconscious and impotent for life.

4. Topper Harley will vasectakick you broken (Hot Shots! Part Deux)

Many, many years ago, there used to be a genre of film that did not cause projectile vomiting and ocular bleeding.

They were called parody films, and they were a joyful satire of everything, with smart writing, clever gags and decent budgets.

The sequel to the first Hot Shots! Film had it all. Star Wars battles, Saddam Hussein, Mr Bean stuck in a heinous torture trap and Charlie Sheen, in full-on Rambo mode.

Parodying that infamous underground fight from the third Rambo film, Topper Harley finds himself battling a vicious opponent, with the crowd chanting for him to choose either gummi bears or sprinkles.

In the end, the two combatants battle it out, with Topper emerging victorious. But like any decent film antagonist, his opponent happens to be a sore loser, forcing Topper to utilise the most brutal of martial arts moves ever seen on film.

If you watched that without cringing, then you’re either a eunuch or Chuck Norris.

3. Johnny Cage will make the splits look manly (Mortal Kombat)

Mortal Kombat happens to be another guilty pleasure of mine, but we’ll look at that film later. For now, we’re going to examine what happens when a four-armed animatronic beast voiced by Frank Welker faces off against a talented Hollywood star.

He shouldn’t have broken those Ray-Bans!

Case in point here, when faced with a towering mass of leather bags and a douchebag ponytail, the only logical thing to do is drop down, and summon the spirit of Bloodsport into your best jewel-punching hand.

And man, what an attack that was. Cage hit ol’ Goro hard enough to justify his own fist getting a credit in the end titles of Mortal Kombat.

Plus, those tortured man-screams from Goro afterwards were the audio equivalent of an unkempt Quinn from Jaws being dropped into a warehouse full of chalkboards.

2. Jet Li has no respect for your dojo. Or gentlemen parts

Jet Li is angry. His sensei has been murdered, his homeland of china has been occupied, and no one bothered to tell him legendary his fist was that day.

What’s a talented student with such mythically awesome fists supposed to do? Why take out his frustrations on the Aikido camp responsible for the death of his master of course.

In a Bruce Lee approved scene, Li does just that, as he pounds and grounds his way through several groins, mouths and organs.

It’s not pretty, but when you see him snap a kick straight into the nethers of a flying student, you realize just why Quentin Tarantino loves this film so much.

Steven Seagal versus The World (The Onion movie)

It’s safe to say that everyone, at some point in their life, is going to be on the receiving end of Steven Seagal and one of his infamous arm-locks.

When he’s not making kickass films with his ever-increasing army of stunt doubles, the portly aikido master also happens to be a deputy reserve officer for the police force, using his naturally honed justice vision to track down criminals.

EYES OF THE LAWMAN!

That said, pretty much any role of his has him breaking limbs, but none can compare to his all too brief cameo as the master ball-buster, in Cock-Puncher.

Twenty years of training in order to master the deadliest of all known martial arts. I don’t think anyone had the balls to face him after that film.

 

Last Updated: April 16, 2012

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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