Films teach us a lot about the human soul, overcoming adversity and being better people. This feature is the exact opposite of those themes, as we take a look at the best weapons that came, saw and kicked some serious ass in the process.
Goldfinger – Oddjob’s hat
Because when you’re hiring a man-servant and you happen to be a super-villain, party tricks involving decapitation and fancy hats are a necessity.
Kill Bill 1 & 2 – The Hattori Hanzo katana
It slices! It dices! It’ll cut God himself if he ever challenges you to a fight! When you pick up a sword made by a master blacksmith who was also trained by the Lamborghini marketing team, then you know that you’re picking up quality.
Judge Dredd – The Lawgiver
Judge Dredd may be a turkey of a guilty pleasure, but at least they got the look of Mega City One and it’s Judges right. And where would a judge be, without his trusty sidearm to dispatch some justice with a selection of the finest bullets that the Law department had to offer?
Rambo 2 and 3 – The bow
Sly Stallone and his Rambo flicks may be tied in closely to that gut-wrenching knife of his, but don’t discount the humble bow, as that ancient weapon and it’s explosive arrows have killed more communists and Vietcong than the actual Vietnam war did.
Aliens movies – The M41-A pulse rifle
All the glamour of eighties gung-ho attitude, with the convenience of a side-mounted ammo counter. Because when you’re about to have yor face chewed off by a Xenomorph, you’ll want to know how much ammo you have left in the tank of this bad boy.
Dirty Harry – Magnum .44
Clint Eastwood and guns go together like bad rave music and glow sticks. But when it comes down to choosing the one gun that really made the man stand out, you’d be hard-pressed to find anything better than the humble hand cannon wielded in the Dirty Harry movies. Heck, it even comes equipped with punch-lines!
Ghostbusters – Proton Packs
When there’s something strange, in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call? Those guys with thermonuclear reactors strapped to their backs of course!
Indiana Jones – The bull-whip
Classic, trusty and made out of leather. There’s a lot that Indiana Jones’ whip has in common with my wardrobe, even if he sometimes ditches the weapon to go for his sidearm, due to issues with his bowels.
Hellboy – The Samaritan
If Dirty Harrys’ gun had a one-night stand with a Howitzer, this would be the bastard child of that union. Big, massive and packing enough heat to break your wrists with a single shot, this will stop the apocalypse with a single round.
District 9 – The Tesla rifle
Because kicking around an entire species who wield guns that can turn your organs into the extreme result of a Tex Avery cartoon, is a good idea. Although we’re inclined to believe that the notorious mad scientist actually did create this weapon, which was named after him.
Scarface – His little friend
First choo get de money, den you get de power, den yu get a beeg guhon to keel all dose steenkin’ cockroaches! If you’re going to die in a drug-fuelled spiral of madness, incest and rivalry, then you’re going to need a little friend to help you out, which is just what Tony Montana had on hand near the end of Scarface.
Star Wars – Lightsabers
A more elegant weapon, for a more civilised age. Also pretty much one of the coolest weapons in all of sci-fi. Search your feelings, you know this to be true.
The Lord of the Rings – Anduril’s Sword
Top tip: When you need to command an army of pissed off ghosts, nothing is better than an ancient sword that gave and took the finger of one of the most powerful beings in all of existence. We’re just sayin’, y’know.
The Fifth Element – Zorg ZF-1
The most amazing thing about Gary Oldman’s massive rifle, is that the majority of the gadgets in them actually worked in real life. Guess what I want under my tree for Christmas this year?
Iron Man/The Avengers – Tony Stark’s “prosthesis”
It’s not the suit that makes the man, it’s the – Ah hell, the suit does indeed make the man in this instance, and make him into a flying alcoholic super-hero that has more weapons inside of it than the shack of a paranoid redneck who wears a tinfoil hat, as well.
Plus, it runs on AC/DC soundtracks, which is pretty awesome.
Last Updated: September 13, 2012