With the (hopefully) final Twilight film releases before the end of the year, we will all be reminded at how much we despise glittery vampires with too much emotion. Well, there is a sure cure to your Bella Swan blues… a recap of a few of my favourite film vampire hunters.
In the late 90’s John Carpenter revamped the vampire genre with his action-packed stake fest in the form of Vampires, starring none other than everyone’s favourite angry middle-aged guy, James Woods. It seems like when he isn’t terrorising the Griffin family, he’s been honing his skills with a crossbow as the badass leader of a group of Catholic Church-sanctioned vampire hunters. Loads of cheese, and James Woods chews every scene he’s in to a pulp. A true 90’s masterpiece.
If seeing Kate Beckinsale run around in a leather suit wasn’t convincing enough, as Selene from Underworld she manages to kick, shoot and stake many of her follow less-attractive vampires in style and slow motion. Since there is already a fourth installment of the series, I can rest assured that there are many, many fans of hers reading this right now. You know who you are! Don’t be ashamed, she kicks ass. If she isn’t falling in love with vampire-werewolf hybrids she racks up quite an impressive vampire body count, so she definitely makes the list.
Before Sarah Michelle Gellar perfected the role in the titular tv series, Kristy Swanson starred as the feisty high-schooler who moonlights as a vampire killer extraordinare. With a title like the “Slayer”, she is definitely quite capable of handling herself in a fight. While most people have only seen the series, the film must definitely be credited as the start of a much loved franchise and also paved the way for other potential vampire huntresses. She is also officially the first teenager to fall in love with a way-too-old vampire jock, so that’s a dangerous step in Bella Swan territory. We’ll forgive her though, because she does protect us from the Hellmouth.
A new entry to the list, Abraham Lincoln became an unlikely action star earlier this years as his early years are depicted with nightly scouting trips to the cemetary and back to despatch vampires with his trusty (and insanely cool) shotgun-axe. Yes, you read that right. Not only did Honest Abe abolish slavery, he reduced many of those batty undead pesks to ashes in style…in a top hat. Now THERE is a Commander-and-Chief we can count on!
One of my all-time favourites hunters, Wesley “Jailtime” Snipes brings the mighty Blade to life with style and menace, striking fear into the hearts of vampires as the Daywalker. No place is safe! From high-end loft vampire nests to blood-soaked raves, Blade will be there to decapitate you with his silver katana and look ultra-cool while doing it.
I’ve saved the best for last, folks! While certainly not the most elequent of vampire hunters, Seth “George Clooney” Gecko falls into the hero’s role by accident as him, his psychotic brother and a kidnapped family decides to have a drink at the infamous Titty Twister bar, where a vampire Cheech Marin makes sure we are aware what flavour of pie Juliette Lewis is. What lesson can we take away from this? Bandage up any wounds you have effectively…you never know who’s hungry. Congratulations Mr. Gecko, you also win the “coolest tattoo” award. A clear contenter for the #1 spot in my book! What do you guys think?
Last Updated: October 18, 2012