Tuesday Conspiracy Theory – Was Willy Wonka a killer?

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Charlie and the chocolate factory! It’s one of the most well known books from the Roald Dahl library, as it charts the rise of Charlie Bucket from filthy poor kid to the eventual inheritor of the chocolateer business started by Willy Wonka. But before Charlie could rise to the top, he had to take part in the very first Hunger Games.

And by Hunger Games, I mean a factory that was teaming with death traps in 1971’s Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory.

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Lets examine some facts here: First, no one likes children, thanks to long haul flights involving 12 hours of listening to the brats scream. But that’s just me. But bratty children? Man, that’s a while new level of hate. Charlie happens to have one saving grace though in comparison to the rest of his golden ticket winners, and that’s a genuine respect for authority figures. But the rest of those kids? Veruca, Violet, Mike and Augustus?

They’re the kind of kids that no parent actually wants. They’re spoiled, hateful and have the manners of a goat with mouth-diarrhea. CAn you blame Wonka for wanting to off them? After all, just look at his factory. It’s less whimsical, and more one massive health code violation. And each room on his tour happens to be tailored specifically towards the interests of the children. Hell even Charlie isn’t even spared, as he almost finds himself a few inches shorter in a massive ceiling fan death trap.

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In fact, each trap is based on one specific vice: Temptation. And everyone falls for it. And just look at Wonka. The man is clearl a few screws loose. But not in the charming eccentric way, but in a real “shove me in a straightjacket” way. Take that boat ride for instance, where he trips the light fantastic:

And how is it, that every single time one of the kids get caught in his traps, the Oompah Loompahs just happen to have a song on hand that is related to their demise? Choreography ain’t spontaneous, no matter what High School Musical would have you believe. And how about the fact that out of all the millions of chocolate bars sold and consumed, only children found those five tickets? Adult consumers had just about as much interest in winning, so obviously, Wonka had some help on his side. Outside plants if you will.

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory Cast

But here’s the biggest clue: Each of the vehicles seen in that film, happen to have the exact amount of seats required for the tour group, after the various “accidents”. Willy Wonka wasn’t a genius. He was a madman. And he got away with it too, after disposing of those meddling kids.

Last Updated: May 21, 2013

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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