Am I cheap enough to post four new Witcher 3 4K screenshots? Yes, yes I am

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Sting-Witcher

You damn well better believe that when it comes to news, there’s no barrel bottom that we won’t scrape in order to hit our article quota for the day! And that’s a Lazygamer promise! The next big game of 2015 is easily The Witcher 3: The Wild Hunt, which is finally, finally releasing in May. Which happens to be next month. Get hyped yo!

So here’s a quartet of new screenshots of the game, with extra-value insight added to each one as I decipher the clues hidden within each one. Remember, click to embiggen:

Witcher 3 (1)

It may have looked like a sad and lonely penis standing at half-mast beneath a chubby belly of hills, but Geralt was determined to climb the tower which was not bathed in light and fight the Stephen King  lawsuit that awaited him at the top.

Witcher 3 (2)

A cabin in the woods. Geralt had a strange and uneasy feeling about this new locale, and he immediately checked his script to see if Drew Goddard or Joss Whedon had had a hand in producing his latest game. That, and Geralt was going to die like some weak-ass promiscuous high-school girl in his own game.

Witcher 3 (3)

After having several comas pile-driven into his skull at Wrestlemania 32, Sting went completely off the rails. Challenging fictional characters, the placebos that his doctor had prescribed him had worked so well thanks to the power of suggestion and mind over matter, that he was finally able to cross the barrier between the real and fictional worlds. So what’cha gonna do, when Witchermania runs wild all over you?

Witcher 3 (4)

Geralt had faced horrors that would have broken any ordinary man or warrior. But dog-training classes for his pack of unruly mutts may have been his greatest challenge to date as his pooches failed to acknowledge his position as the alpha-male of the pack.

The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt will be out on PlayStation 4, Xbox One and PC soon enough. Prepare your tickets for the hype train.

Last Updated: April 14, 2015

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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