Is it 2014 again? It certainly feels that way, what with gaming press hyping up a new game that features you as the hero of the hour, wielding fantastic powers and fighting back against impossible odds to save humanity during their darkest hour. There’s a lot of familiarity that Anthem brings to the table when you compare it to Destiny, and linking the strengths of the two wholly separate game franchises against one another is a task that is frankly lazy, unoriginal and silly in the grand scheme of things.
Attributes which I gladly embody and have tattooed across my arms, because if you’re going to own something, it’s best to make a copyright with ink. I have no idea where this is going, so back on track: Destiny vs Anthem. Which game is the best? On the one hand, you have a brand new experience to enjoy, while on the other greasy appendage you have a product which has several years of content to explore, woven into its very DNA.
Time for a proper showdown. Using cutting edge science, I’ve placed Anthem and Destiny against each other in a crucible of categories that truly matter. The stuff that the fans are asking for. So let’s get this show on the road and begin with:
Anthem: I’ve seen civilisations rise and fall between Anthem missions. I’ve watched the world repeat cycles of turmoil and rebirth, seen the tides bring change and I’ve watched the stars chart new paths through the cosmos as numerous galaxies drift further and further away away from one another into the cold dark vacuum of space itself.
Plus I’ve also managed to make myself an actual cup of Dolce Gusto pod coffee between levels, so yeah, Anthem kinda of has you waiting ages to get from point A to point B. At this point, I’m Saving Private Ryan Matt Damon just before the end credits.
Destiny 2: Also long, just like my dad telling a terrible joke with an equally terribly punchline, but at least I can gawk at gorgeous vistas while I wait to touch down on Mars and see some random Guardian doing a weird emote. Just standing there, dancing. For hours on end.
Winner: Destiny 2
Destiny 2: Destiny 2’s lore reads like it was written by university philosophy and media studies majors who are desperate to validate their degrees. The myths, the legends and the stories of Destiny 2 form an incomprehensible melting pot of vague nonsense that reads like a FaceBook post from your one friend who always has to talk above you because they’ve read every single issue of Popular Mechanics. And it’s not even a good story, now that I think about it.
Anthem: Anthem’s also got a weird story that tows the line between hand-wavey nonsense and actual super-science that makes sense, but it has the benefit of giving you an entire novel’s worth of exposition to read through at your own leisure and doesn’t try to elevate its tale as some sort of classical half-truth mixed with the mad ramblings of a hobo high on cocaine and powdered rat.
Destiny 2: Destiny 2 provides three Guardians with three sub-classes attached to each of them.
Anthem: Anthem provides four Iron Man suits, four is more than three plus you can do a three-point landing. Game, set and check-match.
Destiny 2: For a game that gives you ammo, health, shields, two special abilities and a bar for your Super-duper awesome Extreme 5000 ultimate ability, Destiny 2’s UI is actually streamlined, sleek and non-intrusive.
Anthem: The entire UI for Anthem looks like the aftermath of a violent graphic design explosive diarrhoea episode.
Winner: Destiny 2
Destiny 2: So far, Destiny 2 has had a literal idea as a villain (swept under the floor), Space-Satan (dead), Space-Bane (dead) and a gigantic space-anus with teeth (dead) as its primary antagonists.
Anthem: From what I’ve played so far, Anthem’s main villain is Iron Man Shredder. Now even though I’ve got a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles tattoo of ol’ Oroki Saki that is based on his killer appearance from the 2014 TMNT movie, I just want to ensure you that I’ll still be as impartial as ever for this breakdown.
Winner: Anthem because I’m a liar.
Number of Nathan Fillions
Destiny 2: Currently zero, because Bungie decided to kill the best character in their franchise. Bastards.
Anthem: Definitely zero, although I may have spotted him in a loading screen. Maybe, I don’t know.
Winner: Saints Row Gat out of Hell for casting Fillion as god.
Best use of Glenn
Destiny 2: Despite Glenn being mah Destiny boooyeeeeeeee who helped Al and I get our Whisper of the worms sniper rifles, Bungie has yet to honour his valiant service and replace the sweeping droid in the tower with him.
Anthem: Pretty sure that’s Glenn in the marketplace right there.
Most punchable face
Destiny 2: Everyone wears a helmet, making fist-to-face techniques near impossible to successfully connect with. Although for now, I’m going to say Uldren Sov. He knows what he did.
Anthem: F***ing Owen. I’m six hours into Anthem so far, and if hour ten doesn’t end with his smug over-eager face being smeared all over the Monitor’s fist when he finally activates his tragic third act character development sacrifice powers, then I’m going to be disappointed.
Winner (kind of because we all lose): Anthem
Ability to create epileptic seizures through its combat
Destiny 2: Have you ever played a round of Mayhem where the server was filled with Voidwalker Warlocks? That’s why you’re currently foaming at the mouth.
Anthem: Like Destiny 2 above, only all the freakin’ time and my eyeballs may have just exploded after being exposed to pure unicorn sparkles and cinematic embers dialled up to 11.
Winner: Destiny 2
And the overall winner is…Warframe!
Yup, like an RKO that came from outta nowhere, Digital Extremes and their indie wunderkind have popped up to deal devastating nutshots to both Anthem and Destiny, thanks to their mix of polish, deep system designs and community feedback that have combined to form a game that looks like the bastard child of both franchises had Terry Gilliam been the father. Plus it’s free, so in this cynically cheap day and age, we all know who the real winner is.
Last Updated: February 18, 2019