As I said earlier we were very impressed by the quality of the entries and while I couldn’t list off them here I would like to single out two others who really pushed hard for the win.
Leon JordaanÂ entered with easily the shortest but still entertaining entry when he posted
I would take my Zippo, light my cigar, and kiss my a$$ goodbye!
See, size isn’t everything
and the other entry that actually came second and would have received the second place prize if we had one was Muneeb AdamsÂ with his essay like practical example of self defense
“Desperate times call for desperate measuresâ€¦
Using some of the debris inside the destroyed house, I built a semi-decent barricade in order to try and buy me some more time to formulate a plan.
Having no more ammo I rummaged through my back-pack. As I was packing out the contents, my eye fell on a dented can of good-old army issue spam and beans. Almost all of my ex-platoon members (may they rest in pieces) were aware of the fact that I have a very bad flatulence problem. I would get nothing but complaints about the foul smells that would emanate from my orifice after lunch or supper. To a certain extent my lack of control over my bodily functions caused me much grief. I finally had an opportunity to turn one of my flaws into one of my greatest attributes. Using a broken brick that was lying scattered around, I opened up the can and began eating as fast as I could. In between mouthfuls I would take in an extra breath of air to help fill up my bowels. The crazed soldier was by now making good progress in overcoming my feeble attempt at a barricade.
He was almost through when the familiar rumbling sound began coursing through my body. â€œNot yetâ€ I told my self. â€œLet it simmer a little while longerâ€. The rumbling was getting stronger with each pound on the door. â€œHe’s almost throughâ€ I thought to myself. I pulled down my trousers and readied myself at the entrance/exit. At the same time I whipped out my trusty Zippo. I flicked open the lid and lit it a few times just to get the lighter ready for action. My body was ready to explode but I had to contain myself. My life literally depended on this.
The barricade came crashing down and the Nazi came storming in. For a brief second his war-face turned into a somewhat curious expression when he saw me bending over with my pants around my ankles. My window of opportunity had opened there and then. I lit my Zippo and with all my might I let out the biggest fart of my life. The fireball that was created engulfed the soldier’s entire body from head to toe in an inferno of hellish proportions. For the next few seconds all I could hear was the screams of one unlucky Nazi as he fell to the ground writhing in agony. A few moments later the flames died down. He was now dead.
After pulling up my pants I gathered my stuff and began heading for the door. As I neared the door, I could smell the faint whiff of spam and beans amidst the charred flesh of this unlucky Nazi soldier. As I kicked pass his hand I noticed something shiny lying on the floor. It was my Zippo. Through my ordeal I had accidentally dropped it on the floor. I picked it up. Dusted it off. Gave it a small kiss and put it back in my pocket. I then made my way to the exit. My Zippo had saved my life.”
Thanks to everyone who entered, this was easily the hardest comp we have ever had to judge.
Last Updated: November 27, 2008