Games That Should Never Have Been Made

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Remember back when you were a young lad, you could play just about any videogame and be entertained? Now that we’re older and more astute, those very games that would once keep us occupied would now make you vomit a little on the inside of your mouth.

Every system is home to a few less-than-stellar titles, but after the jump you’ll find a list of games so mind-numbingly bad that you’ll wonder why they were even made in the first place.

Superman (Nintendo 64)

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Until the recent Batman : Arkham Asylum, superhero games were known for being mediocre at best, but generally downright awful. Quite possibly the worst of them is Superman 64, from Titus software. It’s generally regarded as one of the worst games of all time, and even holds the dubious record of being the lowest rated superhero game according to Guinness.

Known for its ridiculous plot, shoddy graphics and laughable gameplay, Superman 64 had the most boring missions imaginable, largely consisting of flying through hoops. Still, playing a Superman, must be fun, right? Well, No. As Gamespot so eloquently put it : “It serves no purpose other than to firmly establish the bottom of the barrel”

Custer’s Revenge (Atari 2600)

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Forgoing any historical accuracy, Custer’s Revenge on the Atari 2600 had the ill-fated general – wearing nothing but boots and a cowboy hat – traverse a field of flying arrows so he and his…little blocky general could have their way with an also naked native American Indian woman who happened to be tied to a cactus. It’s noted for the controversy it caused, essentially being the first – and unfortunately not the last – videogame depiction of rape.

Why was this even made? If you’re capable of getting turned on by blocks engaging in coitus, I’d imagine you’re able to be turned on just by having a cup of tea. It’s not let down just by its questionable subject matter – but also the boring repetitive gameplay, bland blocky graphics and abysmal sound.

Sonic the Hedgehog (2006) (PS3, Xbox 360)

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This would be Sonic’s Next-Gen debut – and a hopeful return to form. Instead it was a rushed, broken glitchy mess, that had you switching between the accumulated peripheral character’s that’ve been woefully incorporated in to the Sonic universe. It’s characterised by awful voice acting, a ridiculously contrived plot and some of the most cringe-worthy cut scenes in videogame history – including a kiss between the game’s blazing blue protagonist and a human heroine, that’ll likely set off your gag reflex.

It’s quite obvious that Sonic Team just didn’t care about this game at all – and I’m glad that DIMPS have been given the opportunity to revive the franchise.

Charlie’s Angels (PS2, GameCube)

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Licenced film-Videogame adaptations are known for generally being bad games, but none is nearly as bad as this mess. A 3D, 3rd person action brawler intended to be a modern Double Dragon, with 3 hot chicks in bikinis. What could go wrong? Just about everything – Awful graphics; outdated, broken gameplay; a shoddy camera system and a complete lack of fun.

Let’s no mention that they managed to make 3 hot chicks look like bulldogs with down’s syndrome.

Daikatana (PC)

Daikatana

A lesson in development Hell, John Romero’s Daikatana ended up being a four year, $40m mistake. As a result of an engine switch, a complete rewrite and just plain poor design, Daikatana devolved into an a ugly mess of dated graphics, awkward gameplay and frankly boring enemies. Laughably, the game’s biggest “innovation” – a pair of sidekicks whom you needed to protect – ended up being the game’s biggest liability. Thanks to crummy AI, they would frequently do whatever it took to get themselves killed. And escort missions are ALWAYS fun.

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Last Updated: February 22, 2010

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Geoffrey Tim

Editor. I'm old, grumpy and more than just a little cynical. One day, I found myself in possession of a NES, and a copy of Super Mario Bros 3. It was that game that made me realise that games were more than just toys to idly while away time - they were capable of being masterpieces. I'm here now, looking for more of those masterpieces.

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