Games you can’t play this week

3 min read
56

Games-this-week

Sup video game news readers, it’s your boooyeeeeeeee The D here AKA Big Bont according to my eye-patch, ready to throw some of that sweet, sweet new info that you crave, straight into YO FACE! Let me adjust my cao until the peak sticks out a ridiculously stupid angle, and we’ll get this ball rolling!

We’re entering the Blitzkrieg quarter of gaming, with developers ready to assault your Normandy beach of a console library with various games until Christmas day arrives and you find yourself bitterly disappointed with the gifts that you receive. Here’s a quick run-down of the games that you won’t be playing this week:

Half-Life 3

Half lie 3

More like Half-Lie 3, AMIRITE? We’ve been waiting to play the damned final chapter in Gordon Freeman’s life saga for 11 years now. We’re pretty certain that one day, the game will be released, ready to finally fulfill all our lofty expectations for it to be the greatest game of all time.

A game so great, that’ll it open a singularity that will swallow all lesser games into its gaping maw, stripping them of any and all qualities that made those titles unique, before doing battle with a Quantum-entangled version of Advent Rising 2 in a war that annihilates all life on Earth in one great disaster.

Any day now…

The Last Guardian

Last Guardian

C’mon, you know this isn’t going to happen. Sony is setting you up. They’re going to announce a release date, tell the world that The Last Guardian has gone gold and start shipping it out.

And then, as you’re faced with the main menu, nine years worth of patience swelling up inside you and ready to burst, that’s when the music hits you, and the game screen gives way to Rick Astley Rick-Rolling you in the biggest dick move since Jehova made that Job bet with Satan.

I have seen the open book of the future, and it was written by Hideo Kojima. #StayStrongUmar

Tekken X Street Fighter

tekken x sf

Let’s be honest here: How many of you had completely forgotten about this game? 3D Hadoukens are hard yo.

Metal Gear Solid VI: How hard can it be to make this without Kojima?

Kojima-Gear

To be fair, I do see Metal Gear Solid returning…to casinos. And I’ll be there, ready to insert my Rands and gamble away my life-savings just so that I can get three Metal Gear Rexes lined up to initiate a bonus game.

C’mon dammit, any spin now. Aaaaaaaaaaany spin now…

David Cameron: Hatoful of Swine

Hatoful-of-swine

Aw yeah baby. Why bother dating pigeons? Why not date a pig instead? And mix that up with some British politics as well? Sure, that pig may have some powerful friends if you cross it, but there’s more than one way tog et your hands on some bacon, if ya know what I mean.

An English version of a Yakuza game

Bigger Boss

It’ll also have decent controls! A story that doesn’t on pointlessly for hours and hours! Characters who actually behave like real people, instead of over-acting like a Cape Town hopeful auditioning for a role in a movie! Not only will this Yakuza game be great, it’ll be the best Yakuza game of all time!

Big thanks to the readers who suggested this to Gavin online. I’d scroll through his Twitter feed to find your names, but I’m feeling too lethargic to do that, so rather revel in the fact that I’m stealing all the credit for this right now.

Last Updated: September 21, 2015

Darryn Bonthuys

Word-slinger at Critical Hit. Inventor of the macho Swiss gym chocolate known as Testoblerone. That's...that's about it really.

Check Also

Valve is reportedly working on their own VR headset, and might launch Half-Life with it

With HTC out of the picture, Valve might be preparing to reveal their own VR headset with …