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Games you can’t play this week

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Games-this-week

Sup video game news readers, it’s your boooyeeeeeeee The D here AKA Big Bont according to my eye-patch, ready to throw some of that sweet, sweet new info that you crave, straight into YO FACE! Let me adjust my cao until the peak sticks out a ridiculously stupid angle, and we’ll get this ball rolling!

We’re entering the Blitzkrieg quarter of gaming, with developers ready to assault your Normandy beach of a console library with various games until Christmas day arrives and you find yourself bitterly disappointed with the gifts that you receive. Here’s a quick run-down of the games that you won’t be playing this week:

Half-Life 3

Half lie 3

More like Half-Lie 3, AMIRITE? We’ve been waiting to play the damned final chapter in Gordon Freeman’s life saga for 11 years now. We’re pretty certain that one day, the game will be released, ready to finally fulfill all our lofty expectations for it to be the greatest game of all time.

A game so great, that’ll it open a singularity that will swallow all lesser games into its gaping maw, stripping them of any and all qualities that made those titles unique, before doing battle with a Quantum-entangled version of Advent Rising 2 in a war that annihilates all life on Earth in one great disaster.

Any day now…

The Last Guardian

Last Guardian

C’mon, you know this isn’t going to happen. Sony is setting you up. They’re going to announce a release date, tell the world that The Last Guardian has gone gold and start shipping it out.

And then, as you’re faced with the main menu, nine years worth of patience swelling up inside you and ready to burst, that’s when the music hits you, and the game screen gives way to Rick Astley Rick-Rolling you in the biggest dick move since Jehova made that Job bet with Satan.

I have seen the open book of the future, and it was written by Hideo Kojima. #StayStrongUmar

Tekken X Street Fighter

tekken x sf

Let’s be honest here: How many of you had completely forgotten about this game? 3D Hadoukens are hard yo.

Metal Gear Solid VI: How hard can it be to make this without Kojima?

Kojima-Gear

To be fair, I do see Metal Gear Solid returning…to casinos. And I’ll be there, ready to insert my Rands and gamble away my life-savings just so that I can get three Metal Gear Rexes lined up to initiate a bonus game.

C’mon dammit, any spin now. Aaaaaaaaaaany spin now…

David Cameron: Hatoful of Swine

Hatoful-of-swine

Aw yeah baby. Why bother dating pigeons? Why not date a pig instead? And mix that up with some British politics as well? Sure, that pig may have some powerful friends if you cross it, but there’s more than one way tog et your hands on some bacon, if ya know what I mean.

An English version of a Yakuza game

Bigger Boss

It’ll also have decent controls! A story that doesn’t on pointlessly for hours and hours! Characters who actually behave like real people, instead of over-acting like a Cape Town hopeful auditioning for a role in a movie! Not only will this Yakuza game be great, it’ll be the best Yakuza game of all time!

Big thanks to the readers who suggested this to Gavin online. I’d scroll through his Twitter feed to find your names, but I’m feeling too lethargic to do that, so rather revel in the fact that I’m stealing all the credit for this right now.

Last Updated: September 21, 2015

56 Comments

  1. Clicked on the red excrement button

    Reply

  2. Grand Admiral Chief

    September 21, 2015 at 15:05

    Also, xD at DAT HASHTAG!

    Reply

  3. Alien Emperor Trevor

    September 21, 2015 at 15:08

    Reply

    • DragonSpirit009

      September 21, 2015 at 15:29

      I’m having a lot of these kinda days recently!

      Reply

      • Grand Admiral Chief

        September 21, 2015 at 15:33

        How so?

        Reply

        • DragonSpirit009

          September 21, 2015 at 15:41

          Work is being mean to me again. Had the crappiest birthday of my whole life last week. My meds is messing with me again and somewhere along the way I lost my flash drive with half of my book I’m trying to write.
          So at the moment I’m fake smiling through life meanwhile I just want to sit in a corner and cry!

          Reply

          • Commander JJ of the Normandy

            September 21, 2015 at 15:43

            Oh wow. You have all my sympathies. I can’t think what I’d do if I’d lost my storage of my projects. I’ve once had such a near experience, since then I’ve been using dropbox or even just gmail drafts when I’m rushed to update and backup every little thing that’s important.

          • DragonSpirit009

            September 21, 2015 at 15:49

            Thanks. I’m hoping to find a backup file on either my laptop tonight or my PC back home on Wednesday. I usually have backups everywhere. Except at work… because the work PC is just to messy!
            I’m more worried about my work moving me again to a new location.

          • Grand Admiral Chief

            September 21, 2015 at 15:50

            Geez that sucks.

            And how come your work moves you around?

          • DragonSpirit009

            September 21, 2015 at 15:57

            Because there is that one jerk in a huge company that wants to mess up the little people lives.
            It’s all about money. The newspaper business is losing to digital univers so they are moving and mixing people every 2-5 years

          • Commander JJ of the Normandy

            September 21, 2015 at 15:51

            Oh dear. That’s not always a good thing. Though it depends a lot where you’d be going, I suppose.

          • DragonSpirit009

            September 21, 2015 at 15:57

            I prefer to stay in the Western Cape. I don’t want to move back to Jo’burg

          • Commander JJ of the Normandy

            September 21, 2015 at 15:59

            That I can definitely agree with. No option finding better/other work? Job market is hell now though, I’m also trying to switch.

          • DragonSpirit009

            September 21, 2015 at 16:01

            I can but graphic design is very rare lately. And if I do actually find they tell me my skill isn’t good enough. I’m still trying and sending out CV’s but its tough out there!

          • Commander JJ of the Normandy

            September 21, 2015 at 16:03

            Agreed. It is tough.
            You should try and join the next Lagz get together if you can, it’s very relaxed and there’s no real threat to Rince, Trevor keeps him busy enough. ;P

          • DragonSpirit009

            September 21, 2015 at 16:06

            I saw that you guys held one last year. I was hoping there might be another and would like to join. Hopefully I can and hopefully I won’t get lost in Cape Town like a couple months back!

          • Commander JJ of the Normandy

            September 21, 2015 at 16:09

            I actually did get lost the first time I went to meet up.

          • DragonSpirit009

            September 21, 2015 at 16:13

            I always get lost when I go to the city… that why most of the time I don’t go further than Cape Gate. But I have friend there… I’ll just buy her a bottle brandy then she can drive me around. Win win kinda situation

          • Commander JJ of the Normandy

            September 21, 2015 at 16:14

            I say we hold the next one in the northern subs, it’s about time those filthy southern subbies come this side.

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            September 21, 2015 at 16:15

            Good plan. Andre said he knew some nice place to try.

          • DragonSpirit009

            September 21, 2015 at 16:21

            Awesome! Every bit closer to my home works for me!

          • Grand Admiral Chief

            September 21, 2015 at 18:53

            xD

          • Grand Admiral Chief

            September 21, 2015 at 15:51

            I recommend a hearty game of pew pew action. Join me for some zombie killing tonight, or some terrorist sniping!

          • Grand Admiral Chief

            September 21, 2015 at 15:51

            Also, happy belated bday for last week! Why was it crappy?

          • DragonSpirit009

            September 21, 2015 at 15:53

            I got the news about work wanting to move me and no one could attend the braai I held.

          • Commander JJ of the Normandy

            September 21, 2015 at 15:58

            I also had my birthday last week.
            September kids unite. 🙂
            You’re definitely not in the Western Cape, because if there’s a braai anywhere near Rince he’ll show up, whether you want him to or not ;P

          • DragonSpirit009

            September 21, 2015 at 15:59

            XD
            There was someone stalking our house… could have been him!

          • Grand Admiral Chief

            September 22, 2015 at 06:52

            I suggest you run another braai, invite the CPT Lagz peeps, I’m sure they will make your belated bday partay awesome!

            Let me know if you want me to put you in contact with the guys

          • DragonSpirit009

            September 22, 2015 at 12:01

            XD That would be awesome. I can just see how my mother would react with a house with “strangers”.
            Mother: “Who are these people?”
            Me: “Um… just people.”
            Mother: “What do they want?”
            Me: “A braai.”
            Mother: “Did you buy me beer?”
            Me: “Um… yes. And chops. And wood.”
            Mother: “Okay we’re good. Enjoy!”

          • Grand Admiral Chief

            September 22, 2015 at 12:49

            There you have it. Just don’t stay alone with Rince for too long…

    • Commander JJ of the Normandy

      September 21, 2015 at 15:40

      I have this identical reaction when I get my paycheck

      Reply

      • Alien Emperor Trevor

        September 21, 2015 at 15:59

        Does yours have anything in it? Mine’s always empty. It’s like a recurring joke that I just don’t understand.

        Reply

        • Commander JJ of the Normandy

          September 21, 2015 at 16:01

          No mine has quite a few things in it.
          Stuff like:
          – tax
          – pension
          – self worth

          Reply

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            September 21, 2015 at 16:04

            Mine tells me how many vacation days I can’t take.

          • Commander JJ of the Normandy

            September 21, 2015 at 16:04

            Ah, the spoils.

          • DragonSpirit009

            September 21, 2015 at 16:07

            Thats one upside I have ^_^ I have like 31 days. I’m now being forced to take leave

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            September 21, 2015 at 16:08

            I usually sell mine, which the tax man loves. :/

          • DragonSpirit009

            September 21, 2015 at 16:13

            I’m not allowed to with mine… greed work people <_<

    • jesika thamas

      September 22, 2015 at 00:55

      <– my dads buddy just got a nice six-month old Mercedes E-Class E63 AMG from only workin part time online… find more information It’s been six months since i started this and i made so far total of 37,000 dollars. Basicly i profit about 80 dollars every hour and work for 3 to 4 hours a day–>,,,,,hkhj,,,

      Open This Link..……

      ???? WWW.PROFIT70.COM ???????????????????????

      Reply

  4. HairyEwok

    September 21, 2015 at 15:11

    I didn’t know the D is thug life :/

    Reply

  5. Kromas untamed

    September 21, 2015 at 15:25

    You forgot Portal 3,Dota 3, Team Fortress 3 and CS:GO3. 🙂

    Reply

    • The D

      September 21, 2015 at 15:35

      Games you can’t play, week deux.

      Reply

    • VampyreSquirrel

      September 21, 2015 at 15:37

      Might as well call it Valve 3.

      Reply

  6. Sageville

    September 21, 2015 at 15:42

    D releasing his inner gansta…

    Reply

    • Commander JJ of the Normandy

      September 21, 2015 at 15:44

      I thought D was ALL gangsta. He’s the baddest mo on Lagz. The ghost pepper video proves it.

      Reply

      • Alien Emperor Trevor

        September 21, 2015 at 15:57

        Spider D, Spider D, does whatever a spider can.

        Reply

        • Commander JJ of the Normandy

          September 21, 2015 at 15:59

          XD

          Reply

        • Dutch Matrix

          September 21, 2015 at 16:00

          Isn’t he Batma(D)?

          Reply

          • Commander JJ of the Normandy

            September 21, 2015 at 16:04

            That’s what he wants you to think

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            September 21, 2015 at 16:06

            It’s a trap. He’ll be singing “nanananananana” and you think he’s going to say Batman next, but then it’s “BANANA SPIDER!*”

            *picture not included.

          • The D

            September 21, 2015 at 16:43

            This week, I’m Big Bont. I even have an eye-patch to get into character!

          • Alien Emperor Trevor

            September 21, 2015 at 20:07

            You scoundrel!

      • The D

        September 21, 2015 at 16:45

        I’m about as gangsta as a white guy in an infomercial.

        Reply

  7. Michael Matusowsky

    September 21, 2015 at 16:00

    Well memed, quality shit post, IGN 10/10

    Reply

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