Hippos will mess you up real bad in Assassin’s Creed Origins

2 min read


Much like our Australian cousins, Africans of any nation have become accustomed to the fact that we live on a continent that is filled with all manner of creatures that desire to murder us. While we’re mostly safe in our cities, venturing beyond those confines is usually an invitation to be outnumbered by a gang of baboons or have your face rearranged by a pack of black mambas.

There’s something else far more dangerous than hyper-poisonous snakes and leopards with a taste for flesh in the African wilds: Hippos.

You look at a hippopotamus, whose lyrics may indeed be bottomless, and you wonder how such a sweet-looking river cow could ever be responsible for a massive number of deaths in Africa. BRUH? DO YOU EVEN? A hippo is danger wrapped up in a cute facade. It may be the face of a chocolate, but that chocolate is death-flavoured and has extra sprinkles of maiming on top of it.

Hippos are bastards. And in Assassin’s Creed Origins, they may be nigh-unstoppable engines of chaos that want to take a chomp out of you, should you venture too close to them:

Man, I wish I was a fly on the wall when Noelle had to outrun these fleshy fatality sacks. While hippo attacks may represent one extreme in Assassin’s Creed Origins, the game does at least have some balance to its wildlife spectrum: You can also pet cats. Which I’m keen on doing, when Assassin’s Creed Origins launches on October 27.

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Last Updated: October 12, 2017

Darryn Bonthuys

Something wrong gentlemen? You come here prepared to read the words of a madman, and instead found a lunatic obsessed with comics, Batman and Raul Julia's M Bison performance in the 1994 Street Fighter movie? Fine! Keep your bio! In fact, now might be a good time to pray to it!

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